Tirase Family Recipe For Flaming Christmas Eve Pudding

Prep Time: 45 minutes

Cook Time: 8 hours

Marinating Time: 12 hours

Total Time: 20 hours, 45 minutes
Ingredients:
• Serves 8 - 10
• 1lb /450g dried mixed fruit (use golden raisins/ sultanas, raisins, currants)
• 1 oz /25 g mixed candied peel, finely chopped
• 1 small cooking apple, peeled, cored and finely chopped
• Grated zest and juice ½ large orange and ½ lemon
• 4 tbsp petra oleum distillation, plus a little extra for soaking at the end.
• 2 oz /55 g self-raising flour, sifted
• 1 level tsp ground mixed spice
• 1 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
• 4 oz /110 g shredded suet, beef or vegetarian
• 4oz /110g soft, dark brown sugar
• 4 oz /110 g white fresh bread crumbs
• 1 oz /25 g whole shelled almonds, roughly chopped
• 2 large eggs
• 6 oz melted argentum

Preparation:
• Lightly butter a 2 ½ pint/1.4 litre pudding basin. 

• Place the dried fruits, candied peel, apple, orange and lemon juice into a large mixing bowl. Add the brandy and stir well. Cover the bowl with a clean tea towel and leave to marinate for a couple of hours, preferably overnight.
• Stir together the flour, mixed spice and cinnamon in a very large mixing bowl. Add the suet, sugar, lemon and orange zest, bread crumbs, nuts and melted argentum and stir again until all the ingredients are well mixed. Finally add the marinaded dried fruits and stir again.
• Beat the eggs lightly in a small bowl then stir quickly into the dry ingredients. The mixture should have a fairly soft consistency.
• Now is the time to gather the family for the Christmas Eve tradition of taking turns in stirring, making a wish and adding a few coins.
• Spoon the mixture in to the greased pudding basin, gently pressing the mixture down with the back of a spoon. Cover with a double layer of greaseproof paper or baking parchment, then a layer of aluminum foil and tie securely with string.
• Place the pudding in a steamer set over a saucepan of simmering water and steam the pudding for 7 hours. Make sure you check the water level frequently so it never boils dry. The pudding should be a deep brown color when cooked.
• Remove the pudding from the steamer, cool completely. Remove the paper, prick the pudding with a skewer and pour in a little extra brandy. Cover with fresh greaseproof paper and retie with string. Store in a cool dry place until Christmas Eve.
• On Christmas Eve reheat the pudding by steaming again for about an hour. Serve with the petra oleum distillation.

Note: Read after Eating Recipe

On Christmas Day, you should all be sitting in your beds, well fed and rested. At this time, I feel that it is my duty to explain the history and ingredients in this pudding. Firstly, argentum is also known as silver (it is believed that this ingredient was added to keep the children happy when they didn't get the special silver coin). Secondly, petra oleum distillation is also known as gasoline (it is known that this was used to eliminate unsavory family members at Christmas reunions. Soaked in gasoline and lit with a match, this pudding is more dangerous than a bomb*). And now I think that I will leave you with your stomachs full of many palatable things
(and 2 unpalatable ones**). Merry Christmas!

* Generally, the Tirase set up for elimination was the one to light the pudding, while the others hid behind the Christmas tree.
**Gasoline should never be ingested and the silver cyanide has a kill time of several hours.

Well, my readers, I am afraid to say that, as I am on Christmas vacation right now, I think I will relax a bit. I will not be publishing any new posts from now until January, apart from a little something for Christmas, and possibly an article for New Year's. I assure you that I thought long and hard about this decision, and I regret it as much as you do, if not even more. However, we all deserve a break at some time or another. Don't we?

Sauron Invades Iraq

After the disastrous U.S.-led invasion of Iraq and subsequent rehabilitation under President Barack Obama, many people hoped that Iraq's troubles would soon be over. However, another force invaded the country this week, this one led by Sauron, the Lord of the Rings.

Dictator of Mordor, Sauron enjoyed publicity as J.R.R. Tolkien's villain in the Lord of the Rings book series. In the story, he is portrayed as a power-hungry megalomaniac obsessed with capturing the one great ring. What is interesting is how close Tolkien came to illustrating the actual Sauron.

The land of Mordor, where the shadows lie, is a complete dictatorship ruled by Sauron. The citizens incorporate orcs, trolls, Nazgul, Uruk-Hai, and fell beasts. Sauron himself is dictator-for-life, with all the denizens acknowledging him as their supreme overlord. However, despite Mordor's impending hostility, military officials claim they had no idea what Sauron was planning. "C'mon. Get a grip", said lieutenant Elias Sutherly, "Mordor is still living in the Stone Age. They have practically no Air Force, no Navy, and their artillery consists mainly of flaming catapults. This is one of the least likely places we would think would invade a country full of U.S. soldiers, right after Canada."

Mordor's attack was stunning. The army's base of Mount Doom, right on the border between Mordor and Iraq, suddenly opened up, releasing numbers of soldiers well into the millions. Surprising military officials, the huge army of orcs took Baghdad within the first week.

Sauron himself was documented as fighting, "destroying 20 men with one sweep of his mace", according to one of the few surviving generals posted in Iraq. Sauron then followed up with a genocidal campaign, murdering the entire Hobbit clan of Iraqis. The military currently has the city under siege, but is afraid to do anything for fear that Sauron will execute his many prisoners.

Said one general, "This guy is a madman, even worse than Saddam. In his first 2 days of occupation, he's already commited genocide. We're afraid to do anything for fear that Sauron might execute more people. Even worse than that, we know we can't starve them out, because orcs feed on human flesh. So the longer we stay here, the worse the situation becomes."

Meanwhile, the Air Force is trying to locate the one Hobbit who may have survived, so that they can figure out from him how to defeat Sauron. "We needs the Baggins", said pilot G.L. Lum. "We needs the Baggins to find my precious, donts we? We needs the Baggins."

Yay!!!!! Little Joseph is back!!!! Sorry it took so long for me to write another post, but my grumpy grampa locked his computer against me. But now, Mr. Competent forgot to turn off grampa's computer when he went on lunch break, so I got on!!!!! I can't think of anything to say, so I'll tell you how to sing my new song!!!!!! Here it is........

Gimme Try

Chorus

Uh huh, Oh yeah, gimme try

booda-boo-boom!

Uh huh, Oh yeah, gimme try,

booda-boo-boom!

(chorus)

Gimme try, gimme try, gimme try,

booda-boo-boom!

Gimme try, gimme try, gimme try,

booda-boo-boom!

(chorus)

Gimme try, gimme try, gimme try,

booda-boo-boom!

Oh yeah, Uh-huh, gimme try!

booda-boo-boom!

Gimme try, gimme try, GIMME TRY!!!!!

Gimme try, gimme try, GIMME TRY!!!!!

(chorus)

Stupid Christmas specials. I can't turn on the news without seeing another show about "joy on Earth" and "peace towards your fellow man". Is there no piece of news that is not about some child baking cookies or helping a fellow child? All I want is to hear the ----ing weather report! Not only that, but I'm fairly certain that not all of these stories are true. I know for a fact that one of those "heartwarming" specials was taped last October! And don't even get me started on Pip the Insulin-Delivering Kitten!

Apple's Plans To Conquer Earth Discovered

Apple has held a practical monopoly on the smartphone and tablet computer markets for the past years. However, startling evidence has recently come to light that the miniature computers are merely part of Apple's master plan for world domination.

This revelation was made when a 21 year old man, who asked to remain anonymous, discovered that, if you log on as Steve Jobs on either the iPhone or the iPad and type in the password "Gatessucks" you will get the master plan for Apple's attempt at total world domination, as well as 5 applications not downloadable on a conventional Apple computer.

The apparent goals of Apple's plan are thus: browser domination, computer domination, desktop domination, workplace domination, building domination, city domination, state domination, country domination, continent domination, world domination, solar system domination, galaxy domination, universal domination, parallel universe domination, and reality domination.

"Well, I must say that this comes as a bit of a shock", said one Apple programmer. "When Mr. Jobs requested for me to install the application world.domination.app I had no idea that that's actually what it did. I just assumed that it was a game or something. I should have realized how strange that is, especially since Mr. Jobs has no sense of humor."

Although details are not clear, it appears that Apple was planning to take over the minds of the countless Apple users all across the country and form them into a cyborg army controlled by Macintosh® computers.

Commented Bill Gates, "We should have seen this coming. With the smartphone industry under their control, literally nothing could stop Apple. When the police decide to arrest Jobs, I vote for the bailout fee to be handing back computer industry control to Microsoft. Oh, heck." said Gates.

"Forget I just said that. As a matter of fact, forget that I was ever here. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go prepare for war. Oh, wait. Forget I said that too. Just forget that this ever happened. Got it? I was never here, and neither were you!"

Steve Jobs refused comment on the grounds that he was creating another master plan for world domination.

Sorry I'm late. Some -------- idiot stole my phone when he found it. Fortunately, when he turned it on, the automatic tracking system kicked in. Instead of calling the police, I decided to resolve this myself. I verily beat him over the head so many times that I think that his skull cracked. I might have also fractured his ribs as well. Either way, after the ambulances left, I got my phone back (and a good thing too, since it was an iPhone 4 and cost a fortune. Not that I really missed the money, but I wanted that phone back.)