Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
In response to the wave of outrage uttered by environmentalists following the 2010 Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill, the United States, in an alliance with Canada, used their most desperate measure yet: sending all members of BP to Davy Jones' Locker.
In a move of espionage not seen since the obliteration of Mt. St. Helens by atomic bombs, both governments quietly invited all members of the former British Petroleum to a party on board a yacht containing some 100 gallons of oil in the cargo hold. The ship then was discreetly sailed to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, where the crew then left a time bomb in the hold and quietly sailed away. At exactly 12 midnight, the bomb went off collapsing the ship.
However, it also appears that the two countries had help: that of the mythical Davy Jones. Said Jones "Yes. Apparently, they wanted me to 'choke them to death with their own oil' or something to that effect. But the main reason I took the job was to kill those damned executives.", he hissed, his ghostly crew moaning behind him. "Do you have any idea what happened after all those oil spills? I couldn't get the horrid stuff out of my beard for weeks! Not to mention, my locker got so clogged up that I heard that one person just gave up and jumped into the Mariana Trench. The Mariana Trench!"
At this point, this reporter made a hasty retreat, before he was killed by the visibly agitated Jones. However, this may mark the largest economic upset since the Great Depression. As the entire BP oil company was completely destroyed, no one has filed a lawsuit against America and Canada; indeed, many European citizens were positively overjoyed at the news.
"BP's gone forever? Oh yeah!" said one jubilant Londoner. "No more oil spills on the news now! Finally, finally I can watch The Simpsons without feeling guilty about not watching the news about the oil spill! God be praised! Hallelujah!" "By the way", he said later, "BP, you totally asked for this."
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Many Greek citizens were uncomfortable after the 2010 European sovereign debt crisis. However, none were expecting the consequences, as president Karolos Papoulias handed over control of the entire country to Australian actor Sam Worthington. Said the visibly harried former president, "This seemed like the right thing to do. After seeing Mr. Worthington star in that Clash of the Titans film as the amazing demi-god Perseus, I thought 'This man is a hero'. And if ever Greece needed a hero, it is now."
It is hoped that instating the movie star as President will proof Greece against attack by giant scorpions, cursed princes, flesh-eating one-eyed women, Gorgons, and Krakens.
In a public interview, Worthington said, "I'm not sure I'm up to this challenge. Killing a giant sea monster on a big screen is a lot different than running a country in a state of financial collapse. But believe me when I say that I'll be giving it the old college try." "This, by the way, is not a campaign promise", he added, nervously backing away from the excited reporters.
The political hand-over is seen as a good thing by an estimated 20% of the population of America and Greece (young women ages 15-20). "He's so dreamy", swooned a female reporter, before being carried out of the room. However, political analysts are not looking upon this favorably.
Said one, "This man has no political experience whatsoever, and they are making him the president? And in a country going through a financial crisis, no less! Mark my words, the Kraken of this sovereign debt crisis will not be quelled! By becoming president, Mr. Worthington will not killed the beast, but instead, he will release it! He will release–the Kraken!"
"Ah, I'm not too worried", said Mr. Worthington. "There's always a Medusa head around somewhere. Maybe I can borrow Sarah Palin."
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Mr. T shocked viewers last week when he announced that his next venture would be as a spokesperson and professional enforcer for the AT&T phone company.
Said T, "Hey, some folks think that I'm beginning to lose my way. the last movie role I got had me as a policeman who used an extended "got my eye on you" metaphor. And then, out of nowhere, my Verizon account on my phone crashed. I pitied those fools so much I decided to apply for a job at AT&T. Plus, T, AT&T is a catchy name. Only one snag: I ain't gettin' on no plane." Indeed, Mr. T's first conference with Verizon on behalf of At&T ended up with the Verizon spokespeople sprawled on the floor moaning and with their ties removed and used to write in huge letters on the floor, "I pity these fools very much."
Mr. T isn't the only one enjoying the contract, as evidenced by one AT&T executive's words. Said the unnamed executive, "We're very pleased with this arrangement. However, we're currently trying to recruit the entire living members of the A-Team, so that we'll have an elite force ready to strike when Verizon finally attacks. Have you seen their ninja bodyguards over there?"
Verizon is taking the news that AT&T has formed an alliance with Mr. T surprisingly well. "We knew that this day would come", said one worker there. "We aren't worried about T alone. However, if AT&T gets the whole A-Team, that's when we'll start to worry. Even worse: T, A-Team, and AT&T. That is a catchy slogan."
Not only that, but Mr.T has begun to give AT&T new ideas for their communications. Said another spokesperson, "We've decided to use Mr. T's voice for anyone who uses our broadband communications. Just imagine how quickly we'll rocket to #1 if people who uses AT&T get to watch free episodes of The A-Team or T&T! We'll be the best phone company in the world!!!" Mr. T has already begun his work, stating that, "Those Verizon fools don't stand a chance. They won't gimme no back-talk. Not to Mr. T! Those fools don't deserve pity! I pity those fools– I pity them very, very much.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
President Barack Obama has been the target of many threats and assassination attempts. However, the most shocking of these happened just last week: an assassination attempt by former president George W. Bush.
The details are not widely know, but it is believed that the ex-president invited the Obama to his Texas home and attempted to stampede him with a horde of Texas cattle. Bush was taken into custody at 1:00 in the morning. President Barack Obama was taken to the hospital at the same time.
He suffered minor injuries and bruises and 2 broken ribs. Said Bush, "I woulda gotten him if he would've just stood still. Instead, this guy jumped out of the way. Why, 3 of my most prized Texas cattle got knocked unconscious. I'm gonna sue Obama'a pants off until I get my money back."
However, it is in doubt whether or not Bush will be released at all. He is currently at 1 count of attempted murder, and the Department of Justice is out for blood. "Ohhhhh yeah, ohhhhh yeah," said one employee. "Bush has had this coming for 8 long years. Finally, finally we can bust him once and for all."
"I voted for the electric chair", he said in a conspiratorial whisper. Indeed, the entire Democratic Party is clamoring for Bush's execution, or at least 70 years in prison.
"So, Bush isn't so high and mighty now, is he?", said a registered Democratic voter. "He's going down, down, and down. He had his laughs, and now it's our turn. Prepare to eat steel, 'Dubya'!!", he said viciously, while throwing a barbed steel dart at a poster of Bush's head.
One of the few witnesses of the attack commented on the incident, saying that "It was a bit like that Jimmy Carter Rabbit Incident back in 1979, with a beserk Southern inhabitant attempting to attack the President, only this time we caught the offender. Take that, Rabbit of Caerbannog!"
Bush's only defense so far is himself stating that "I wasn't the one who tried to kill the President, that was those damn cows. And don't you forget it."