George W. Bush Attempts To Assassinate Barack Obama

President Barack Obama has been the target of many threats and assassination attempts. However, the most shocking of these happened just last week: an assassination attempt by former president George W. Bush.

The details are not widely know, but it is believed that the ex-president invited the Obama to his Texas home and attempted to stampede him with a horde of Texas cattle. Bush was taken into custody at 1:00 in the morning. President Barack Obama was taken to the hospital at the same time.

He suffered minor injuries and bruises and 2 broken ribs. Said Bush, "I woulda gotten him if he would've just stood still. Instead, this guy jumped out of the way. Why, 3 of my most prized Texas cattle got knocked unconscious. I'm gonna sue Obama'a pants off until I get my money back."

However, it is in doubt whether or not Bush will be released at all. He is currently at 1 count of attempted murder, and the Department of Justice is out for blood. "Ohhhhh yeah, ohhhhh yeah," said one employee. "Bush has had this coming for 8 long years. Finally, finally we can bust him once and for all."

"I voted for the electric chair", he said in a conspiratorial whisper. Indeed, the entire Democratic Party is clamoring for Bush's execution, or at least 70 years in prison.

"So, Bush isn't so high and mighty now, is he?", said a registered Democratic voter. "He's going down, down, and down. He had his laughs, and now it's our turn. Prepare to eat steel, 'Dubya'!!", he said viciously, while throwing a barbed steel dart at a poster of Bush's head.

One of the few witnesses of the attack commented on the incident, saying that "It was a bit like that Jimmy Carter Rabbit Incident back in 1979, with a beserk Southern inhabitant attempting to attack the President, only this time we caught the offender. Take that, Rabbit of Caerbannog!"

Bush's only defense so far is himself stating that "I wasn't the one who tried to kill the President, that was those damn cows. And don't you forget it."

Spongebob Elected For President

By Junior Propagandist Joseph

Spongebob Squarepants, age 10, narrowly beat Squidward Tentacles, age 35, in a battle for the Presidency. Spongebob narrowly beat Squidward by 2 votes.

The furious Squidward demanded a recount, taking it to the Supreme Court, and biasing Spongebob on the grounds that he wasn't even 35. However, the law firm of Krabs and Cheeks secured a victory, on the grounds that cartoons are timeless.

Spongebob's campaign was marred by scandal, when it was discovered that Spongebob had been using a robotic double for several speeches, while the real candidate went backstage and flipped Krabby Patties.

Spongebob's inauguration went as planned, except for an assassination mishap. While Spongebob was taking the oath of office, it was discovered that the Chum Bucket, a local restaurant and rival of the Krusty Krab, where Spongebob's former job was located, was on wheels and had a rocket on the bottom. If the Secret Service had not shot at and destroyed the wheels, causing the bucket-shaped restaurant to capsize, our new president would be marred by an unseemly flat body. The attempted assassinator, a small protozoa, goes by the name of Sheldon-hee-hee J. Plankton. Regrettably, this dangerous plankton escaped, and anyone with information about his whereabouts should contact law enforcement.

Apparently, Squidward burst into tears upon learning of the election results. His fellow Republican, George W. Bush, patted him on the back, saying "There, there, buddy. There's always next time."