Tirase Family Recipe For Flaming Christmas Eve Pudding

Prep Time: 45 minutes

Cook Time: 8 hours

Marinating Time: 12 hours

Total Time: 20 hours, 45 minutes
Ingredients:
• Serves 8 - 10
• 1lb /450g dried mixed fruit (use golden raisins/ sultanas, raisins, currants)
• 1 oz /25 g mixed candied peel, finely chopped
• 1 small cooking apple, peeled, cored and finely chopped
• Grated zest and juice ½ large orange and ½ lemon
• 4 tbsp petra oleum distillation, plus a little extra for soaking at the end.
• 2 oz /55 g self-raising flour, sifted
• 1 level tsp ground mixed spice
• 1 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
• 4 oz /110 g shredded suet, beef or vegetarian
• 4oz /110g soft, dark brown sugar
• 4 oz /110 g white fresh bread crumbs
• 1 oz /25 g whole shelled almonds, roughly chopped
• 2 large eggs
• 6 oz melted argentum

Preparation:
• Lightly butter a 2 ½ pint/1.4 litre pudding basin. 

• Place the dried fruits, candied peel, apple, orange and lemon juice into a large mixing bowl. Add the brandy and stir well. Cover the bowl with a clean tea towel and leave to marinate for a couple of hours, preferably overnight.
• Stir together the flour, mixed spice and cinnamon in a very large mixing bowl. Add the suet, sugar, lemon and orange zest, bread crumbs, nuts and melted argentum and stir again until all the ingredients are well mixed. Finally add the marinaded dried fruits and stir again.
• Beat the eggs lightly in a small bowl then stir quickly into the dry ingredients. The mixture should have a fairly soft consistency.
• Now is the time to gather the family for the Christmas Eve tradition of taking turns in stirring, making a wish and adding a few coins.
• Spoon the mixture in to the greased pudding basin, gently pressing the mixture down with the back of a spoon. Cover with a double layer of greaseproof paper or baking parchment, then a layer of aluminum foil and tie securely with string.
• Place the pudding in a steamer set over a saucepan of simmering water and steam the pudding for 7 hours. Make sure you check the water level frequently so it never boils dry. The pudding should be a deep brown color when cooked.
• Remove the pudding from the steamer, cool completely. Remove the paper, prick the pudding with a skewer and pour in a little extra brandy. Cover with fresh greaseproof paper and retie with string. Store in a cool dry place until Christmas Eve.
• On Christmas Eve reheat the pudding by steaming again for about an hour. Serve with the petra oleum distillation.

Note: Read after Eating Recipe

On Christmas Day, you should all be sitting in your beds, well fed and rested. At this time, I feel that it is my duty to explain the history and ingredients in this pudding. Firstly, argentum is also known as silver (it is believed that this ingredient was added to keep the children happy when they didn't get the special silver coin). Secondly, petra oleum distillation is also known as gasoline (it is known that this was used to eliminate unsavory family members at Christmas reunions. Soaked in gasoline and lit with a match, this pudding is more dangerous than a bomb*). And now I think that I will leave you with your stomachs full of many palatable things
(and 2 unpalatable ones**). Merry Christmas!

* Generally, the Tirase set up for elimination was the one to light the pudding, while the others hid behind the Christmas tree.
**Gasoline should never be ingested and the silver cyanide has a kill time of several hours.

Well, my readers, I am afraid to say that, as I am on Christmas vacation right now, I think I will relax a bit. I will not be publishing any new posts from now until January, apart from a little something for Christmas, and possibly an article for New Year's. I assure you that I thought long and hard about this decision, and I regret it as much as you do, if not even more. However, we all deserve a break at some time or another. Don't we?

Sauron Invades Iraq

After the disastrous U.S.-led invasion of Iraq and subsequent rehabilitation under President Barack Obama, many people hoped that Iraq's troubles would soon be over. However, another force invaded the country this week, this one led by Sauron, the Lord of the Rings.

Dictator of Mordor, Sauron enjoyed publicity as J.R.R. Tolkien's villain in the Lord of the Rings book series. In the story, he is portrayed as a power-hungry megalomaniac obsessed with capturing the one great ring. What is interesting is how close Tolkien came to illustrating the actual Sauron.

The land of Mordor, where the shadows lie, is a complete dictatorship ruled by Sauron. The citizens incorporate orcs, trolls, Nazgul, Uruk-Hai, and fell beasts. Sauron himself is dictator-for-life, with all the denizens acknowledging him as their supreme overlord. However, despite Mordor's impending hostility, military officials claim they had no idea what Sauron was planning. "C'mon. Get a grip", said lieutenant Elias Sutherly, "Mordor is still living in the Stone Age. They have practically no Air Force, no Navy, and their artillery consists mainly of flaming catapults. This is one of the least likely places we would think would invade a country full of U.S. soldiers, right after Canada."

Mordor's attack was stunning. The army's base of Mount Doom, right on the border between Mordor and Iraq, suddenly opened up, releasing numbers of soldiers well into the millions. Surprising military officials, the huge army of orcs took Baghdad within the first week.

Sauron himself was documented as fighting, "destroying 20 men with one sweep of his mace", according to one of the few surviving generals posted in Iraq. Sauron then followed up with a genocidal campaign, murdering the entire Hobbit clan of Iraqis. The military currently has the city under siege, but is afraid to do anything for fear that Sauron will execute his many prisoners.

Said one general, "This guy is a madman, even worse than Saddam. In his first 2 days of occupation, he's already commited genocide. We're afraid to do anything for fear that Sauron might execute more people. Even worse than that, we know we can't starve them out, because orcs feed on human flesh. So the longer we stay here, the worse the situation becomes."

Meanwhile, the Air Force is trying to locate the one Hobbit who may have survived, so that they can figure out from him how to defeat Sauron. "We needs the Baggins", said pilot G.L. Lum. "We needs the Baggins to find my precious, donts we? We needs the Baggins."

Yay!!!!! Little Joseph is back!!!! Sorry it took so long for me to write another post, but my grumpy grampa locked his computer against me. But now, Mr. Competent forgot to turn off grampa's computer when he went on lunch break, so I got on!!!!! I can't think of anything to say, so I'll tell you how to sing my new song!!!!!! Here it is........

Gimme Try

Chorus

Uh huh, Oh yeah, gimme try

booda-boo-boom!

Uh huh, Oh yeah, gimme try,

booda-boo-boom!

(chorus)

Gimme try, gimme try, gimme try,

booda-boo-boom!

Gimme try, gimme try, gimme try,

booda-boo-boom!

(chorus)

Gimme try, gimme try, gimme try,

booda-boo-boom!

Oh yeah, Uh-huh, gimme try!

booda-boo-boom!

Gimme try, gimme try, GIMME TRY!!!!!

Gimme try, gimme try, GIMME TRY!!!!!

(chorus)

Stupid Christmas specials. I can't turn on the news without seeing another show about "joy on Earth" and "peace towards your fellow man". Is there no piece of news that is not about some child baking cookies or helping a fellow child? All I want is to hear the ----ing weather report! Not only that, but I'm fairly certain that not all of these stories are true. I know for a fact that one of those "heartwarming" specials was taped last October! And don't even get me started on Pip the Insulin-Delivering Kitten!

Apple's Plans To Conquer Earth Discovered

Apple has held a practical monopoly on the smartphone and tablet computer markets for the past years. However, startling evidence has recently come to light that the miniature computers are merely part of Apple's master plan for world domination.

This revelation was made when a 21 year old man, who asked to remain anonymous, discovered that, if you log on as Steve Jobs on either the iPhone or the iPad and type in the password "Gatessucks" you will get the master plan for Apple's attempt at total world domination, as well as 5 applications not downloadable on a conventional Apple computer.

The apparent goals of Apple's plan are thus: browser domination, computer domination, desktop domination, workplace domination, building domination, city domination, state domination, country domination, continent domination, world domination, solar system domination, galaxy domination, universal domination, parallel universe domination, and reality domination.

"Well, I must say that this comes as a bit of a shock", said one Apple programmer. "When Mr. Jobs requested for me to install the application world.domination.app I had no idea that that's actually what it did. I just assumed that it was a game or something. I should have realized how strange that is, especially since Mr. Jobs has no sense of humor."

Although details are not clear, it appears that Apple was planning to take over the minds of the countless Apple users all across the country and form them into a cyborg army controlled by Macintosh® computers.

Commented Bill Gates, "We should have seen this coming. With the smartphone industry under their control, literally nothing could stop Apple. When the police decide to arrest Jobs, I vote for the bailout fee to be handing back computer industry control to Microsoft. Oh, heck." said Gates.

"Forget I just said that. As a matter of fact, forget that I was ever here. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go prepare for war. Oh, wait. Forget I said that too. Just forget that this ever happened. Got it? I was never here, and neither were you!"

Steve Jobs refused comment on the grounds that he was creating another master plan for world domination.

Sorry I'm late. Some -------- idiot stole my phone when he found it. Fortunately, when he turned it on, the automatic tracking system kicked in. Instead of calling the police, I decided to resolve this myself. I verily beat him over the head so many times that I think that his skull cracked. I might have also fractured his ribs as well. Either way, after the ambulances left, I got my phone back (and a good thing too, since it was an iPhone 4 and cost a fortune. Not that I really missed the money, but I wanted that phone back.)

Damn it! I've lost my cell-phone! If you see it, could you please return it to me? Because it cost $1500 dollars, I'm going to be just a bit annoyed if I (you) don't find it and return it (to me). Now get on it, because I have a phone conference in half an hour, and I'm going to sue you into oblivion if you don't find it (it's your patriotic duty!) More exactly, it's your patriotic duty to your wallet.

Horse Hunts Down, Shoots Farmer

Farmers across the continent are locking their doors and loading their shotguns, as the news has arrived that a Wyoming Mustang has single-handedly hunted down and shot Farmer Brown, a wealthy Wyoming farmer who specializes in breeding racing horses.

According to the few eyewitnesses, the horse, known as Swiftfeet, attacked Farmer Brown when he arrived to feed him. The horse apparently had obtained a Howitzer gun, most likely through illicit purposes, and fired at the farmer, who vainly tried to strike the animal with his riding crop. Firefeet then shot the farmer some 27 times, having gotten several bullet packs. Farmer Brown was then trampled and shot again for good measure after Swiftfeet got to a safe distance.

Said Swiftfeet, "This guy was making me run 5 miles in 5 minutes just to get my meals. The other animals wanted freedom too, so I decided to do something. Man, you should have seen Farmer Brown's face after I blasted the barn doors off."

The other animals then escaped the farm, trampling several farm-hands in the process. 7 sheepdogs attempted to stop the rampage, but quickly joined them, helping to break and utterly destroy the entire fence, as well as a water tower.

Said one farmer upon hearing the news, "Huh. So the animals finally turned against us. Well, I'll just have to upgrade to a shotgun, 'stead of a wooden club. I'm not gonna worry. I have enough food right here in my barn. Matter of fact, I think I'm gonna go train my horse for the races right now. Gotta earn a living, even if I'm still very rich."

Animal control investigators have been upgraded in weapons and equipment in response to the breakout, and most of them now resemble heavily armed marines.

Said one investigator,"Something just doesn't add up. how'd that horse even fire that gun? Mark my words, there's something fishy going on, and I can assure you that we're going to get to the bottom of it."

Said another investigator, "A horse is a horse, of course of course, unless of course that horse is the famous Mr. Ed. As this horse is not the famous Mr. Ed, we know that this horse is a horse. Of course of course."

This investigator's interview was cut short when Swiftfeet and his small, but increasing, army of barnyard animals trampled him into the pavement.

Well, how did the boycott go? I must say, it provided a good deal of entertainment for me, via hidden video cameras. After all, there are some advantages to being a multibillionaire, such as top-of-the-line technology. It was just so fun to equip the police with spiked steel truncheons! Aren't boycotts just so fun? (By the way, I'm not paying your hospital bills).

-------- scientists! What idiot decided to make Twinkies® the 5th state of matter?! I hate those things, and if you have any respect for the scientific community, you'll do something about this --------ed new law. Put up posters! Boycott Twinkies®! Do whatever it takes to male sure that this foul incident is wiped from the history books! Go wild! (By the way, if you're arrested by the local state law enforcement, S. D. Tirase had nothing to do with this).

Fifth State of Matter Discovered: Twinkies®

Until several decades ago, there were only 3 states of matter: Solid, Liquid, and Gas. In 1928, plasma was named, and subsequently became the 4th state. Now, apparently, teachers will have to change their Science textbooks again, because a 5th state of matter has been discovered: Twinkies®.

The small cream filled sponge cakes were invented in 1930 by James A. Dewar, a baker for Continental bakeries, now known as Hostess Brands®. The small cakes, marketed as a "Golden Sponge Cake with Creamy Filling", quickly rose to popularity in the United States and are now eaten by several thousand people each day.

Said Hal Manovitch, the researcher who made the breakthrough, "This would explain a lot. Try to poke a Twinkie®, and it doesn't retain its shape, like a solid must, by definition. The creamy filling reacts the same. And don't even get me started on deep-fried Twinkies®. So I naturally proclaimed it the 5th State of Matter. I'm sure the scientific community will thank me and appreciate this discovery."

"Thank him!?" exclaimed physicist Stephen Hawking. "A Twinkie® is a disgusting food with no nutritional value whatsoever, not a State of Matter. I cannot believe that anyone would be so thick as to believe this dunderhead."

However, evidence, however faulty, does make this at least somewhat realistic, said the minority of the scientific community who believed Manovitch's theory. Hawking and other respected scientists and physicists, including the entire workforce of CERN, are lobbying for Manovitch's theory to be rejected, and his name erased from all scientific textbooks, as well as all records of him that point to him being a scientist at all.

Said United States Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, "I wouldn't mess around if I were Manovitch. When those scientists banish someone, they banish someone. Did you hear what they did to those Japanese scientists who discovered the last digit of π? I shudder to think what they might do to this guy. if I were him, I'd watch out: those scientists might actually banish him. They've got a lot of power in our government, those science guys. If you annoy them at all, you'd better watch out."

However, Manovitch remains unconcerned. "I'm sure Hawking and the rest of them will come to their senses eventually," he said. "In the meantime, would you like a Twinkie®? Now with radical new chocolate filling!"

Ah........... I have just had lunch at a most wonderful restaurant, and I am quite full. They had exquisite chocolate truffles dusted with powdered sugar and gold dust. I have no doubt that it cost more than you will make in a year. That's right! Wallow in agony at the sight of my enormous riches! You will bow before me! Incidentally, I highly recommend you go to this restaurant. Just make sure that your bank account has a million or more dollars in it.

Well. Nothing new today. As a matter of fact, today was rather boring. I'm looking for something to do. Do you have any ideas? Because if you do, I'd like you to speak up. Since I'm looking for something to do, I think that suing you will be an excellent course of action, unless you give me some other ideas. Well? My lawyers are waiting.............

Test Squadron of F-35 Fighter Jets Bombs Small Alaskan Town

The inhabitants of the small Alaskan city of Kupreanof cried foul Tuesday, when a squadron of experimental F-35 Lightning II fighter jets bombed their tiny city back into the Stone Age.

The town of Kupreanof is located off the eastern shore of Kupreanof Island in the Petersburg Census Area of Alaska, and is currently the smallest city in the state. By a 2000 count, there were 23 people residing there, less than the average school classroom.There are approximately 12 families residing there, and 6 households. The population density is 5.7 people per square mile. The population was outraged at the sudden bombing, which obliterated all 6 of the households and injured all 23 people.

Said one anonymous citizen, "We are outraged at this intrusion into our territory. I am intrigued by the fact that the planes were apparently testing out their various weapons. We will, of course, have a meeting with the Secretary of the Air Force as to how two experimental planes escaped and bombed our fair city into oblivion."

The Secretary in question, Michael B. Donley, replied that " The Air Force had nothing to do with this." Said Mr. Donley, "I assure you that we did not authorize this wanton destruction, and the fact that Kupreanof is an ideal testing ground for the Lightning ll should make no difference. What on Earth would make you think that we would take advantage of the fact that almost nobody even knows what Kupreanof is, and no one would miss it if it were destroyed?"

However, the Alaska National Guard is not so sure that the planes were stolen. "There are what, 15 of these things, and 5 of them magically disappear and reappear, wreaking havok on an ideal testing ground for these things? I don't think so." said officer Herbert Melthowick. " I can assure you that we'll be looking into this, and figuring out how these particular fighter jets ended up so far from home."

" So they're going to be nosing around our top-secret base, are they?", said Donley. "Then I'd just advise them to watch the skies."

Sorry for the delay, but I had to go to our technical department because one of our Difference-Engines broke down (not that I was actually fixing it; more along the lines of threatening the people in charge of fixing it and occasionally hitting them with my walking-stick). 20 whacks later, the engine was fixed, but it took tremendous effort (namely, when my trusty old mahogany stick broke and I had to go back to get the other one with the steel head). No matter, for it was fixed, and that is what matters. Just a pity that half of my technical experts had to be hospitalized.

Ah, Mr. Ezekiel Watley of The Watley Review seems to be a rather nice man. His 70-year-old Scotch is beyond compare, his manners are impeccable (unlike his nephew) and we share the same interests: namely, crawling our way up out of semi-obscurity. However, Mr. Watley does not seem to be quite as devoted as I to corrupting the young generation. Surely, as an intelligent editor, he must understand that our purpose is to propagate our views to those properly informed people all around the world? Alas, no. So, I am afraid that Mr. Watley and I have reached a temporary paradox-like stalemate, which I am hard-pressed to understand. I think that I shall just sit down and sip a glass of 1800 whiskey while I ponder this out.

Elite Group of Cartographers Attempts To Take Over Earth To Make Their Jobs Easier

The newly formed Atlas Police received their first challenge last week, breaking up a plot by an elite society of cartographers to take over the planet.

According to the head of the Atlas Police, "We were formed to deal with border regulations. Specifically, reports of convicts or any such wanted person trying to escape over the border to another country where they aren't wanted for their various crimes. You know, we were formed as a sort of secret police to catch them or give their harboring country a reason to chuck them back. But we were weren't expecting to have to deal with a plot this big."

The society of cartographers were, apparently, a group of diabolical mapmakers who desired to take over Earth and unify all continents and countries to make their jobs easier. The Atlas Police caught them just as they were finishing the details of their plan to use atomic bombs along the planet's fault-lines to slam all seven continents into another Pangaea.

The first prison interview occurred yesterday, with the interview with the leader, Mr. C.T. Rapher.

Said Mr. Rapher, "All of these wars, continental shifting, I don't know where to start. Are Europe and Asia separate land-masses? Or what about both those and Africa, as well? And those are the older ones. Should we classify Iraq as a U.S. Territory? So we decided to do something. We would merge all continents into a supreme nation where we would rule. Yes, us, the minority who has to deal with all of your shortcomings in the past hundred years! We would rule all the Earth. We will rule! Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!"

At this point Mr. Rapher was manacled and dragged to his cell, where he continued to maniacally giggle for another thirty minutes. However, some terrorist experts are worried that that this will not be the last of the attacks.

Warned one such expert, "These guys were fanatics. That's been established. But they're right; the borders are changing, but I didn't think anything like this would happen. If it weren't for the quick intervention of the Atlas Police, I shudder to think what would have happened."

AAAAAGH! My computer crashed! You would think, as my computer has more memory space in it than The Pentagon, that it would be safe, but no, it still crashed! I am getting annoyed about this, so I have fined everyone in the vicinity $100 (Well, it's making more progress than most of the other attempts). If anyone had anything to do with this, I will hunt them down, bring them to court, and order their immediate life imprisonment. The perpetrator cannot escape me! I will find him, and I will make him pay!

Well, I must say that Propaganda Central has gone far. We started out as a lowly newspaper company backed by only $30 billion dollars, and now look! Now we are a bustling business backed by $50 billion dollars! Through all of the blood, the sweat, and the tears, (all of those are quite literal. To show people how diligent my workers are, I put them in nonstop manual labor in a factory for a week. True, I lost about a quarter of my staff, but I got my audience's trust.) my staff has endured. I think that by now, Propaganda Central has truly entered into the fold. Read, and enjoy!

Gladiatorial Games Reinstated in Summer Olympics 2012

The Olympic Games are a time-held tradition, and will be for years to come. However, every now and then, a new game is introduced. It appears that this pattern will continue into the 2012 Summer Olympics, with the introduction of gladiatorial games into the mix.

The games, consisting of a pair of trained fighters engaging in duels until one dies, will be "modernized", with the introduction of chain-saws, automatic rifles, and grenades. Said one organizer who asked to remain anonymous, "The regular summer sports: swimming, discus throwing, etc. etc. are boring. Where's the life threatening combat? Since London's already going to set the record of hosting the Olympic Games three times, why not set another record as well? So we decided to add gladiatorial games. And, just to make it more exciting, we've okayed the use of modern weapons, from machetes to smoke bombs. This year's Games will be more exciting than ever!"

But the concept still has its critics. Several athletes have withdrawn, stating that "I will not risk my life for the Olympics, no matter how great the prize." One London man, John Forstin, said that "These games have gone too far. There was a time, centuries ago, where this kind of sport was encouraged. I am seriously thinking of not attending the Olympics this year, if I have to watch people dismember themselves and die in terrible agony."

According to another organizer, the gladiatorial games will start with the athletes choosing their respective weapons, and then will be randomly selected to duel. The round will end when one combatant is dead, and will then start another round.

Said one athlete, who requested to remain anonymous, "I'd do it. I'm pretty sure I can take 'em. Anyway, there's compensation if you die. You get $100 just for participating, and you get double that if you die. Yeah, most people probably won't do it, but that just means less competition for us. It seems like a good gamble, and I think that we can all agree that, even if we all don't participate, these games will be the most exciting ones ever!"

I hate advertisements. They bombard every web-page on the Internet! On some I have seen, there is practically no room for any content at all! Our pristine newspaper has held out for several weeks now, (it was completely worth it to hire armed guards to patrol menacingly at the doors of our establishment!) but every time I publish a pst, my computer says how I need to "make money off my newspaper" with advertisements (we get all the money we need by just carrying Master Tom-Tom and asking for donations)! I am a newspaperman through and through, damn it! Printer's ink flows through my veins! And I will not succumb to advertisements! I have seen comrade after comrade fall, but no matter what happens, Propaganda Central shall remain unmarred by the stain of paid advertising! No, I do not want to save money with great deals on the new Microsoft software!

Ugh. I cannot believe that I almost forgot yesterday's post. I remembered at the last minute, but still.......! I need to be more aware of what I'm doing. I just hope that it doesn't happen again, as this newspaper is bound to report the news, whatever the conditions, whatever the circumstances, whether we are using an old-fashioned printing-press of writing with a quill pen on a stone wall (although that's not technically our motto. Our actual motto, Vos es a valde bardus, means "You are very stupid". Don't you just love Latin?).

World's Most Intelligent Dog Follows-Up Ode To Beanie-Weenies With 1,000 pg. Epic On Butt-Sniffing

Bingo, the world's most intelligent dog, stirred up controversy when he composed an ode to Beanie-Weenies. However, he may be heading into even darker waters, as he is on the verge of finishing his epic saga, The Bottom-Sniffer. The story tells the tragic tale of a puppy born into this world with no bottom, and begins like this:

Oh great Gods of the Bottom-Sniffing Dogs,

You Hear My Call and Answer My Prayer.

For Into this World comes One Who is Not.

Born Without a Bottom, He Cannot Pray.

The poem is written in iambic pentameter and is divided into four-line verses. It has been hailed as a great work, but has disappointed many who hoped that Bingo's second work would not constitute "Dog" subjects (i.e. dog food, butt-sniffing, cats, and chasing cars). The Bottom-Sniffer's predecessor, the notorious 2,300 line poem listing the merits of Beanie-Weenies, has been widely hailed as a "flawed masterpiece" and has generally not been listed with such literary greats as the Odyssey and Great Expectations. Said animal behaviorist Andrew Starr, who also commented on Bingo's previous work, "Bingo is a lost cause. The first poem brought him down, but this struck the final blow. An example is this line, possibly the worst I have ever

seen:

The Smell of a Bottom is Like Roast Beef.

It Quenches the Quest for Knowledge, For Strength.

It Springs Eternal Forgiveness in Past.

So One Lacking such Marvels Will Be Blind."

Tell me that isn't the worst poetry you've ever heard. Face it. Bingo had his chance, and he blew it. I'm sorry for him, but he brought all this on himself, epic saga or no epic saga. In the public eye, he's done for. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. He would have to compose something truly brilliant to get himself out of this."

Christmas is coming! This is a holiday that I actually enjoy, and the fact that it comes once a year is 11 times too little for me (mainly because I make it a requirement for my staff to give me at least 5 presents per Christmas– with the exception of Joseph, of course!) The only thing I do not like about Christmas is little Joseph's annual Christmas list, which I am detailing to you now.

Joseph's Christmas List

1. Nintendo DS

2. Nerf Dart Gun Stampede

3. Remote-Control Dinosaur Toy

4. 100-inch plasma screen TV

5. Computer

6. Wii

7. Lego Harry Potter for Wii

8. Mario Kart

9. Lego Star Wars: the Clone Wars video game

10. Walking-stick (so I can be just like Grampa!)

11. Make-Your-Own-Robot Kit

12. Puppy

13.Lego Star Wars Death Star set

14. Spider-Man action figure

15. Diary of a Wimpy Kid 5: The Ugly Truth

16. My own newspaper!

17. Binoculars

18.– AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! ENOUGH WITH LITTLE JOSEPH!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN"T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

–Whew, sorry about that, but little Joseph has become such a central character to this, it's starting to drive me crazy. Still, I guess I'm lucky I managed to stop the download for Josph's Christmas list before it crashed my entire 10-to-the-50th-power petaflop computer.

Interesting. Little Joseph has actually become a part of our Propaganda Central staff. I have placed him as Assistant Propagandist, a job at which he excels. As he is the only one Master Tom-Tom listens to, I deemed it necessary to integrate him into our staff. Indeed, a 3-year-old who has been working here 2 days has already proved better at his job than my useless secretary, who has been at his post for 15 years. I think that I was right in making Joseph one of our number, and as my great-grandson and protegee, I can only wait for what wonders he will soon conceive.

Philosopher Offers "King Kong" Remakes As Strongest Evidence Yet of Reincarnation

In philosophical news, yesterday an anonymous philosopher offered the "King Kong" remakes as the strongest evidence yet of reincarnation. The theory, deposited at the local church in the form of a letter, stated that "these remakes, each showing another, identically named ape, are very suggestive, and could be our strongest evidence yet of reincarnation."

The remakes of the original King Kong movie are a cultural icon of America, culminating in the 2005 remake by Peter Jackson. The movies, portraying a ferocious but emotional giant gorilla, have generally been successful, with the worst scraping 80$ million at the box office. However, until now, they have never been seen as a philosophical movie.

Said the Reverend, "This man is insane. This–this "King Kong" is a movie, a commercial venture. Granted, a good movie, but it is merely a moneymaking scheme. These directors had only greed motivating them; not reverence to our Lord. That is proved by the fact that those heathen natives worship that giant ape."

The anonymous philosopher defended his theory, saying in another letter, put down at a later point, "I am not saying that Kong is the angel Gabriel. What I am saying is that this is the same story, happening over and over, over the course of almost a hundred years. Doesn't that ring a bell?" "What is this man talking about?! He is an insane heathen defending a ridiculous answer to a ridiculous question! Any more letters arriving will be burnt to a cinder on arrival! I refuse to sully this good church with this ridiculous madman!!", exclaimed the visibly furious man.

The series of letters that followed will have linguists talking for years. The letters introduced a full 327 words to the English language. They are not listed, as they would have to be censored. At an interview with Peter Jackson, director of the 2005 King Kong remake, he stated, "Wow. My movie is being used as a way to verify reincarnation? I just thought that I wanted to make King Kong more realistic. Oh well. You just don't argue with someone who can blast off your head, resurrect you, and do it again."

Hi everybody!!!!!! It's Joseph again!!!! Did you know that Christmas is coming? My grampa knows 'cause I gave him my Christmas list!!!! All 975,798 things on it! And I know he'll get them all 'cause I'll throw a tantrum if I don't!! I love the Christmas season!!! It's a time of goodwill and greetings to everyone!!! I even saw Tom-Tom the monkey writing a list today!!!

Oh well..... I suppose that Master Tom-Tom is not as bad a threat as I first thought. Admittedly, there was that time when he deleted £500 from my Swiss bank account, but apart from that, he is an excellent pet. It turns out that, still being just a baby, he cannot reach most doorknobs, meaning that my stash of 100 year old Scotch is safe. Not only that, but he has proved to be an excellent newspaper writer, and I have made him the chief writer in that respect* (being able to use all 4 limbs, as well as the tail, in typing means that he can work 5 times as fast as the old writer). He is now a full-fledged member of our staff, and he has one more asset, probably greater than any other: nothing persuades people to make huge donations to us more than an adorable monkey sitting at the visitor's desk.

* Fine. Make all the jokes about "monkeys running this newspaper" that you want.

Propaganda Central Contract

Warning! By Reading This Article, You Are Legally Bound

And Must Obey The Terms Listed

_By Reading This Article, I, ______, Being of Sound Mind and Sound Body, Agree To All The Terms Listed Herewith. I Accept That Any Deviation Is Grounds For Up To A 50,000 Fine and That If Such A Fine Is Incurred, I Promise To Legally Pay It Off Within A Period Of 31 Days. I Am Not Eligible For Legal Counsel In This Case, As I Have Read And Agreed To The Statements Listed Within.

I Hereby Do Accept The Terms Of This Contract,

_________________

Firm Of Tirase, Tirase, and Mentin

Contract*

_I Agree That, By Reading This Contract, I Draft Myself Into Propaganda Central Staff For A Period Of 5-50 Years**.

_I Agree To Donate Any Funds Secured By Myself, (i.e. My Job, Or Any Other Context Involving The Securing Of Money) To Propaganda Central, In Exchange For Lodging.

_I Agree That, If I Cannot Perform Any Of The Prior Tasks, I Put Myself In Penal Servitude To Propaganda Central For A Minimum Of 10 Years***.

_I Agree That If I Break This Contract, I Will Be Fined A Minimum*** Of 50,000 Dollars And/Or A Minimum Of 20 Years In Jail.

_I Agree To Serve Mr. Tirase Faithfully For The Duration Of My Years****. All Hail Mr. Tirase, Our Bearded Saviour. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail.......

_I Agree That I Am Not Entitled To Legal Counsel If The Contractor Behaves Unfairly, As I Have Agreed with This Contract And Its Terms, No Matter How Unfair They May Be*****.

_I Hereby Agree To Join Joseph's Munchkin Army When He Begins To Enlist Officers For His Plan To Steal America's Gold Reserves******.

_I Hereby Agree To Give Mr. Tirase's Grandson Joseph Access To All Of My Most Prized Toys, Games, And Movies*******.

Your Bailout Fee: $200,000,000 or £150,000,000

*This Contract Should Not Be Taken Seriously, Unless you Have Read It.

**By 5-50, The Contract Means, '5-550'.

***Maximum Of 5,000,000, (Dollars, Years, etc. etc.)

****"Unfair" Meaning "Taking Both Home, Money, Life, and Soul."

******Ignore This.

*******I Wonder How Joseph Managed To Get To My Typewriter. I Really Must Move It.

Well, this week is over. I think that I can safely say that I am well rid of the Thanksgiving spirit, but there is something about this erratic holiday that I miss. Perhaps it is the inflatable turkeys in all of the shop windows; perhaps it is the Thanksgiving television specials. Perhaps it is just the feeling of goodwill and happiness that abounds during this week. Whatever it is, somehow I am feeling hollow, as if a bit of myself were carved out. Strange, considering how this day in its entirety has irked me through a century and a half. However, I will not despair: this holiday comes once a year, which is extremely often when you think of the average human lifespan. I have endured 149 Thanksgivings throughout my years, and I think that my memory can weather one more.

Curse you, Black Friday!!! Your incessant shopping makes it impossible to get anything done! All I wanted was to go to the Apple store to get one lousy iPad! I got it, but the crowd nearly killed me trying to get it first! Stupid companies! Why do you have to make one day where everyone goes to the store at once! I barely escaped from one shopping trip with my life (the perpetrators have all been sued, and are currently residing in the local prison for one count of second degree murder each. Serves them right)! But still.......! I hate this ------- day, and I've hated it for all 150 years of my life! Now get out of here, before I brain you with this keyboard!

Perfect Brain Concieved: 1% Inspiration, 99% Perspiration

Thomas Alva Edison is known for many great things, such as the light-bulb, but perhaps the most well-known is his famous saying: "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration."
Up until now, it was just a cryptic adage showing the value of hard work: no longer. Scientists at Johns Hopkins University have taken this saying to heart, producing what is being flaunted as the perfect brain: an organic capsule with 1% of the total brain space being occupied by part of the cerebrum, and with 99% percent being occupied by human sweat.
Said one scientist, "We are very pleased with the result. We were just thinking one day, 'What wastes the most space in an average human brain?' And then the answer hit us: the brain itself!"
Indeed, the brain, dubbed the EdisonBrain, uses the sweat for nutrients for the small amount of actual brain, theoretically allowing it to move up to twice as fast as an average brain.
However, difficulties were to be encountered. "The problem is, sweat will poison the brain if directly exposed to it.", said another of the scientists who worked on the project. "So, we have put a small vacuum chamber around the brain, so that only actual nutrients will reach the brain."
When this reporter inquired whether or not the brain would be crushed in the chamber, the scientist gave him a condescending pat on the head and a cookie.
The scientists responded to other scientists' questioning as to how the brain will survive when there is just salt left the same way. "Pooh-pooh," said Mr. P.R. Spire, the scientist who directed the project. "They just don't understand the complexities of the human brain the way we do. I'm sure everything will become clear in a month or so."
"Oh, every thing's becoming clear all right," said physicist Stephen Hawking. "Very clear."

Recipe For Roast Turkey

The average turkey is a modern nightmare. Cooked in an oven, cut up at a butcher-shop– the most many people touch it is to stick it in to cook. Our recipe is different. prepared as the Pilgrims would have prepared it, cooked as they would have cooked it, and eaten as they would have eaten it– the perfect turkey. We now invite you to follow the instructions– and dig in!

Step 1: Catch a turkey between 15-20 pounds. Use a bow and arrow.

Step 2: Pluck the turkey.

Step 3: Cut off the turkey's head and remove its organs (use a small dagger).

Step 4: Prepare a fire and make a spit over it.

Step 5: Put the turkey on the spit.

Step 6: Wait for 4 hours.

Step 7: Bring the half-raw carcass to the table.

Step 8: Dig in!

If you have done this correctly, the turkey will have a half-raw, rather slimy texture to it. Use only a small dagger to eat. when you reach bones, crack them open– marrow is a good source of fat! Happy Thanksgiving!

Dear God, what have I done? Little Joseph was bad enough alone, but now he has an accomplice! Oh why did I say that he could buy himself a pet? I thought he would get himself a puppy, but instead he gets himself a monkey! Even that wouldn't be so bad, but this primate seems privy with all of Joseph's thoughts, including his fondness for annoying me. I thought I had it bad enough with I.N. Competent around, but now I have to deal with Master Tom-Tom, who is almost as bad. Granted, he is more high-class and squeaks with a British accent, but serves mainly as an extension for Joseph's rule-breaking. Not only does he have an extensive knowledge of how to pick locks, but he also knows how to work a computer, which means that none of my 10 bank accounts are safe! I have had to change passwords 5 times this week already! Still, Joseph is happy, and I would give much for Joseph to be happy (mainly because it means that he is not still annoying me).

Shakespeare's Lost Years Explained, Censored

It is both a great day for historians and a great day for linguists as the letters which explained Shakespeare's Lost Years have been discovered and censored.

According to the letters, Shakespeare worked at a small theater after moving to London, but was fired for 'unnecessarily complicating' his plays with things like intermission, 'soda water' stands, and half-time bear baiting. This prompted Shakespeare to write a series of letters unsuitable for anyone under the age of 21 to read.

The mildest letter, written at the beginning, reads "Yov little wastrel, yov are pigeon-livered and lacking gall. Yovr tongue ovtvenoms all the wyrms of the Nile. Yov are knotty-pated like a hunch back'd toad, yov plague-sore. Yov are proof that ovr Lord made several mistakes before arriving on ovr perfect forms."

However, other, later letters contain more language. One example is the final letter, possibly the worst of them all. It reads, "Ha ha ha! My plays are on the fvll stage, not like yovr dilapidated little (censored). I'll become the greatest playwright in history, while yov rot in a cell, yov little (censored) (censored) of (censored). I'll see to it yov die in poverty, before I (censored) censored). Yov're doomed, yov little (censored). Yov disgusting little (censored). Not to mention yov (censored) when you (censored). Take that, yov filth! Take that, yov pigeon-livered toad! Take that, yov_" At this point, the letter becomes a mere list of swear-words and obscene language.

Despite this, however, historians are praising these letters. "It's amazing! It's spectacular! It's stupendous!" said one researcher of Shakespeare's life. "I can't believe that we've discovered Shakespeare's Lost Years now, after all these years." Linguists and parents, too, are praising the letters because of the fact that they contain every known swear-word in the English language, as well as some 250 ones unknown to anyone except the Bard himself. Said Mrs. Catherine of 365 West Street, Wyoming, "I wasn't even aware that 'tuck' was a swear word. I'll have to punish Jimmy when he asks to be tucked in tonight."

Ah–alas. My muse, though inspirational at times, has deserted me, even only if temporarily. And so, I have but no ideas for today's article. Surely, there is fodder for satirists everywhere– one only has to step out of their room to find it– but our articles, our sophistication are what put us head and shoulders above the average buffoon seeking to make fun of things he does not understand. No, we will not sink to that level– we will endure, and I will not make fun at every little thing. So my muse has deserted me for now– we can manage, and the public will not be put out by our lack of one post. As a matter of fact, I doubt many of them will notice it. Still, we will survive, and I will not pay the heavy price that comes from lowering your standards. Well, look at that– my struggle with my inner self has just got me an article.

Ah, Mr. Watley–excellent move. But you see, I am a master of Whist, and have been ever since i entered my 60th year. Wait–what–you–you have all 4 top cards in the trump suit?! ----- it! You....... just....... won.-------- it! Oh well– good game, Mr. Watley. Good-bye. Perhaps I should back up. I have begun going to a good-natured game of Whist after I finish the article for the day. Apparently, all of the well-to-do gentlemen who own newspapers generally go here. Not to be outdone, I naturally decided to give it a try, (Propaganda Central must not remain out-dated!), and I must say that it is a good way to relax, with the exception of a few things. That means you, Mordecai Grunion!

Envelope Glue Discovered To Be Poisonous

In a test that shocked nobody, it was discovered that envelope glue is poisonous. This well-known fact was only scientifically confirmed Thursday, when a group of scientists discovered what the rest of America already knew.

In a 30-day survey, 2 groups of people each licked 3 envelopes shut each hour. Group 1 licked standard postal glue. Group 2 licked an identical compound of baboon mucus, toad enzymes, and hippopotamus saliva. After 15 days, where group 1 became severely diseased and group 2 remained the same, they switched. Both groups agreed that both glues tasted the same, with the possible exception of glue 2 tasting better. At the end of another 15 days, group 2 became sick, while group one became mostly better. The results of the test were released Thursday, to no one's surprise at all.

"Oh, that stuff's poisonous?' stated Connecticut resident Thomas Smith. "Huh. Fancy that. Better go remind my kids about that. Thanks for the reminder."

The Postal companies are abuzz about the recent publicity of their already widely known poison."Geez, why's this such a big deal?" asked one postal employee, who preferred not to be named. "We already knew that, the Surgeon General already okayed it because no one in their right minds would lick the stuff, so why's everyone so shocked by it?"

However, some people dislike the postal glue and have been lobbying against the poison for years now. "That you have to lick this stuff to seal an envelope just makes me shudder," proclaimed California citizen Mary Hy Gene. "When we were little, we'd use all sorts of tricks so that we wouldn't have to lick it: getting our siblings to stick their tongues out and swiping it across them, swabbing it with a towel, etc., etc. Now, of course, we've recognized it for what is is, and I'll never touch the stuff again. Never."

The postal service has stated that it will resume production of the envelope glue until the Surgeon General himself disapproves it. Said another worker, "This one test is nothing to hang your hat on. Everyone already knew that, so it shouldn't change a thing. Who licks that stuff, anyway?" The Surgeon General could not be reached for comment.

Hmph. Apparently, Thanksgiving is coming, a holiday which intrigues me. Why on Earth are we celebrating that our ancestors were too stupid to get food for themselves? Why are we celebrating that Native Americans, feeling pity for these poor helpless fools, decided to have dinner with them? Besides, the Pilgrims spawned many generations of idiots who inquire about your ancestry and claim that they are "true" Americans. The last one I met, I quickly dispatched with my walking-stick. Not so arrogant now, are you? As a matter of fact, I believe that for many people, this is merely an excuse to stuff their faces. But now, if you will excuse me, ther is another Pilgrims re-enactment that I must destroy. Take that, Squanto! And that, Captain Miles Standish! Die! Die! Die!!!

Well men, I'm back from jury duty. The man was proven guilty, and everything sorted itself out in the end. I say, what is........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! My newsroom... my difference-engine... my... my... MY BANK ACCOUNT!!! MY MONEY HAS DROPPED FROM $50 BILLION DOLLARS, £30 MILLION POUNDS, AND ∞ TURKISH LIRA BY 3 ZEROES!!!!!!!!! JOSEPH!!!!!! Wait a minute– how did he get access to my bank account? More importantly, why has he been in charge for these past few days? Oh..... wait......... I see.......... for future reference, Mr. Competent, "closest living relative" does not mean "relative in closest proximity". I really ought to have seen this coming– I should never trust a fool, especially one named I.N. Competent. Come to think of it, why did I make that idiot my secretary in the first place?

"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1" Removed From D-BOX Theaters From D-BOX Theaters, As Mortality Rate Rises

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 is a film long awaited by aspiring fans. However, in the wake of the numerous casualties suffered by the participants of the D-BOX motion code, a strategic decision has been taken to pull the movie out of participating theaters.

"This isn't us being vindictive, it's us being safe," said one harassed spokesman, when questioned by reporters. "Over 30 people were dead already, we had to pull the movie out before the Department of Homeland Security did it for us."

D-BOX motion code, a new technology, was first used in the 2009 movie Fast & Furious, and is a Canadian company which puts motion simulators in certain theaters. Apparently, the technology used in the Deathly Hallows was designed to be a technological breakthrough. Said another technological designer, who asked to remain anonymous, "It was all going along great. Our new 'IMAX simulator' technology projected all the visual effects onto the ground, walls, and ceiling of the theater. But I think we got a little carried away with the Avada Kedavra."

The new technology was designed so that the audience could experience the "feel" of the movie, with attachments to the seats that allowed the audience to experience everything from cool night air to grass under their feet. However, the motion code also apparently let the audience experience the full sensation of the Avada Kedavra Killing Curse.

Said one theater employee, " I was just supervising the movie, so I was a little unprepared when bolts of green light that killed anything they hit started ricocheting across the room." At least 16 people were killed in the first big battle scene, the Battle over Little Whinging. The rest were hit by Imperius Curses that went awry, making them remain in their seats until the movie was over. At least 30 people were killed over the course of the movie before the police were called in to shoot Lord Voldemort into pieces, thus ending the catastrophic movie.

"They what?!" said one enthusiastic fan dressed as Harry Potter. "That's great! Yessssssssssssss! Voldemort got shot?! Oh man oh man! I so wish I was there!" When the reporter inquired politely about what the fan thought about the deaths of over 30 people, he replied,"Oh yeah. Those guys. Still.... they got the coolest deaths ever!!! C'mon! Getting shot by Voldemort?! Oh man oh man oh man!!!!!!!!!!! I so wish I was there!

Hi everybody!!!!!!! Joseph is back!!!!!!!!!! Did you know that grampa has an Xbox Kinect? It is a funny game. I like it when I kick the other player and he realistically doubles over in pain! The game is so realistic that I can't even tell that the member of the newspaper that I'm playing with is on the screen!!! See, I can poke him and kick him and look, he even moans in pain when I hit him!! I love this game!! Look out Player 2!! That must have hurt!! Hey what's this? How come the screen is blank? Oh look, the TV isn't even on!! Hey what's this big flat black thing with the words Xbox 360 on it still in the box?

Hi everybody! My name is Joseph and my grumpy grampa is away so now I am Propagandist-In-Chief! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! 'Cause I am his closest available relative, I have control of his whole wide newspaper until he comes back!!!!!! Okay men, here are some strict changes. Mr. Kane, put down that cudgel. 1) Everybody gets free Twinkies!! 2) Mr. Kane has to show me how to access grampa's bank account!! 3) I am going to the toy store right now!! Wow thanks Mr. Kane!! Hey what do all these zeroes mean? They mean that much money?? I'mgoingtothetoystoretobuythenewLegosetsdon'twaitup!! I think I am gonna enjoy working here!!

Fake "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" Movie Released Early

In a move yesterday that shocked producers and humiliated movie critics, it was announced that the new "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" movie, released early, was not in fact the real one.

"Say what?" said most excited moviegoers upon hearing the news.

"I don't know what did it," said Mr. John McCoy, who gave the police a tip-off which eventually led to the capture of the fake "Warner Bros. Studios". Said Mr. McCoy, "Like I said, I don't know what tipped me off when I was seeing the movie that this wasn't the real one. Maybe it was the fact that Voldemort was a guy in black jeans and a black t-shirt with white face-paint on. Maybe it was the fact that Hogwarts was a painted shoe-box. Whatever it was, something just said in my mind, 'this isn't the real one'. So naturally I ran off to tell the police."

Fake Warner Bros. were arrested on a charge of fraud, and the actual Studio received $1 billion dollars, plus all of the profits earned by their impersonator. Police are still investigating the magnitude of the scam, which would still cost millions in getting the movies in the theaters, even if the movie itself cost absolutely nothing.

Said one investigator, "We're still trying to figure out who funded the project. The fake Warner Bros. Studios had all of their bank accounts checked, credit cards' money limit tested, even had their houses checked for physical cash. No luck. We've mainly come to a conclusion that there are only two possibilities left. One, that this project was funded by an outside force with a lot of money at their disposal. This would explain the magnitude of the project, but that also means that the possibility of actually catching him is close to nil. The more favored conclusion is that this studio merely 'piggybacked' on the set theaters in which the actual movie was going to be released, so they just bumped the date up."

Criminal psychologist Dr. F. Roy Dean Shllippe stated at a press conference yesterday, "It was actually a very clever scam. Some people were very annoyed at the fact that the "Deathly Hallows" movie was going to be released in two parts, and so, when this 'movie' came out, the public didn't even stop to think how awfully convenient this was. Although the scam itself mostly gave itself away the minute the movie appeared on-screen, the planning was masterfully done. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give this a seven."

Ah, I have excellent news! I no longer must endure the terror of Harry Potter news 24/7! You see, I have been called out to that most vital of human endeavors: jury duty. Finally, I may leave this one-subjected news-house, even if only for a few days*! I can only hope that this trial lasts until Friday; for that way, we may return to our omni-present news coverage the minute I get back! Quick! I must don my best silk suit! Cravat! Best top-hat! Cuff-links! Spats! There! I believe my image is now presentable, even if it does scream extreme opulence! To the limousine, Mr. Kane: I'm going out!

*For the record, the fact that I bribed the judge just yesterday has nothing to do with this amazingly timed occurrence.

It has come to my attention that the first part of the final installment in the Harry Potter film series will be premiering this Friday. Normally, of course, I would pay this no heed: the news runs for everything, eh what! But it appears that most of my reporters are fans of the series, and will not get it out of their heads. They will not focus on any worthy news subject other than this film*, so it is with the deepest trepidation that I inform you that the articles leading up to the premiere will have one subject: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1. I hope that you can endure hearing only about this film, because I cannot. Now shut the blasted door and never disturb my nap again!

*Remind me to dock their pay when this horrible turn of events is over.

Large Plump Caterpillar Does Absolutely Nothing

For the past 3 days, America has been kept in shocking suspense. In an Illinois orchard, a large plump caterpillar has done absolutely nothing for the past 72 hours.

Press reporters from all the major newspapers have been issued, as well as live coverage from CNN. Our own Propaganda Central reporter was crushed under a wave of photographers, forcing Mr. Tirase to dispatch a new one. However, his efforts were in vain, as the caterpillar refused to comment.

The large larva, identified as a Monarch Butterfly in the larval stage, has stood in a perfectly still position since Saturday, when it was first discovered. "I don't get it," said the farmer in charge of the orchard, Frank Helmsmith. "It's a caterpillar, that's all it does: it stands still. I'm not even sure if it's alive or not."

But people's opinions differ. Said one reporter, "I can just see it now. We're going to make a hit reality show entitled 'Caterpillar: Dead or Alive'! I tell you, we'll make this larva into a star, no matter whether it's alive or not! It'll be the greatest media presentation since the O.J. Simpson Trial!"

When asked whether it objected to the publicity it was getting, the caterpillar merely stared blankly out into space. But whether it likes it or not, this larva is going to be a star. Already, a movie, an action figure line, board game, video game, and other merchandise are being planned to coincide with when the new 'Dead Caterpillar' flavor of ice-cream comes out. Not only that, but Steven Spielberg has been asked to direct a film about how the caterpillar found true love in the orchard, but died of overeating soon afterward. However, the farmer has stated that, as he is the one providing the caterpillar with lodging, he will get 1/2 of the profits from any #1 movie, hit TV series, or bestselling book derived from the rapidly unfolding drama of the caterpillar's life (or lack thereof).

When asked again how he felt about the publicity, the caterpillar continued to stare blankly into space.

Well, I do truly believe that I have learned my lesson about attacking other satire mascots. We should co-operate, so as to usher in a new era of misinformation! I can assure you that I will not be violently assaulting people who I believe have insulted me anymore! Why, in my vendetta at Zweibel, I completely forgot that I had jury duty this week! Fortunately, Mr. Kane was able to masquerade as me (I really must remember to raise his pay!) but the results might have been catastrophic! After that ordeal, I deemed it necessary to relax, and ended up playing a most delightful game of Whist with some of the other well-to-do patrons of our fair city! (By the way, if anyone sees Mr. Ezekiel F. Watley, please offer him my congratulations for playing so well.)

Yes! Zweibel is in my sights. Offender, prepare to........ WHAT?! My -------- engine ran out of --------- fuel! ---- it! Really wish I'd thought to bring a space suit, but I sort of was reckoning on hitting Zweibel with my rocket ship. Dang it. I'm 10 feet away from him, and I can't move. Might as well use my escape pod to get back to Earth. I'd use that to hit him, but it doesn't have a supersonic rocket engine. Well, I guess there's a lesson to be learned from all this: when pursuing a bloodthirsty vendetta against someone, always bring extra rocket fuel.

President Warns America of Munchkin Army Threat

America has stood the test of time through wars, the Great Depression, and Communists. But, the President warns, none of these may be as great a threat as the Munchkin Army.

Said President Barack Obama, "These 'Munchkins' conceal a greater threat than the Communists. Beneath their adorable exterior lies an evil mind plotting world domination. There are millions of Munchkins, and more are being born each day. When they decide to strike, America must ask whether it is ready, and must answer with a resonant 'yes!'"

"The Munchkin, a stage of adolescence when someone realizes that they are not the center of the universe, but before they lose their cuteness, is a dangerous stage," explained one leading psychologist who refused to be named. "Naturally, they are angry at the world, and that, combined with their irresistible cuteness, makes them a force to be reckoned with. I shudder to think what would happen if someone organized them and put their supernatural powers to good use."

This threat was first assessed Monday morning, when an elite squad of Munchkins broke into the Pentagon. They very nearly managed to steal the top-secret plans for an Anti-Munchkin Laser before they were captured and sentenced to 20 minutes on time-out. The Munchkins were very well-organized, and equipped with acid-squirting milk-bottles and grenade rattles.

Police are questioning who funded the project. Said one officer, "Even at the point where Munchkins know what's going on, they still aren't organized enough to attempt a break-in at the Pentagon. Most Munchkins would just toddle in when a guard came out, but these dropped in from a helicopter. How'd they even learn how to fly the thing?"

Many people are asking the same thing. "Munchkins are cute, but they don't have this kind of training", said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. "I can assure you, we'll be looking into who funded and trained these Munchkins. If they could break into the Pentagon, they could declare war, and the fact that they attempted to destroy our plans for the Anti-Munchkin Laser is telling. If they do declare war on the rest of the world, America, at least, will be ready."

Ugh. I have been flying towards the Andromeda Galaxy for one whole day now at sub-light speed. I have been amusing myself by chucking pebbles out into the void. Really wish that this thing would go faster. Maybe if I kick it.......... Wow. Didn't think that would really work. Ahhhhhhhhh....... now it's going at a much better speed. Why, look at that! I've gone all the way to the Andromeda Galaxy! And there is Zweibel! Muhahahahahahaaa...Hahahahahahaaaaaa....... BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

How very annoying. After interrogating all of Zweibel's household, I discovered that he apparently was rocketed off into the Andromeda Galaxy at the dawn of the new millennium. Dang it. Apparently he also left The Onion in the hands of Bernard Baruch and Aunt Jemima. Idiot. Everyone knows Quaker Oats mascots can't be trusted. Still, if it's off to the Andromeda Galaxy, then to the Andromeda Galaxy I will go. Did Zweibel really think that shooting off into space would save him? The gift of prophecy endowed by a bottle of 1923 Auld Ferrins will not save him! Nothing will! Ready my private rocket, Mr. Kane: Propaganda Central is going interstellar!

Stepmothers Sue Brothers Grimm

Wednesday morning it was announced that Mrs. Katrina Roke is sueing the Brothers Grimm. Said the Indiana housewife, "I was reading The Brothers Grimm to my two stepchildren, and when I read Cinderella and explained about the wicked stepmother, one of them said, 'Like you?' Naturally, I was heartbroken. I said no, but one of them persisted, 'But you are our stepmother!' she said. Well, what was I supposed to do? So I'm suing these awful brothers to show them the error of their ways."

Mrs. Roke has hired one of the best lawyers in the country, but they are hindered by the fact that no judge will schedule a trial.

"It's those awful brothers again, isn't it!?" said Mrs. Roke. "I'll bet they bribed him, just so that they wouldn't be taken to court!" Even after the judge explained that the Brothers Grimm are dead by now, and have been for several hundred years, Mrs. Roke persisted. "Well, that's just what they want you to think, but they aren't fooling me!" said Mrs. Roke. "I'll find them, and make them sorry they were ever so degrading to stepmothers."

This statement was greeted with a look of shock from everyone in the room. The judge personally stood perfectly still, his jaw slightly open. Whether or not there will be an inquiry as to who the Brothers' closest living descendant is, and whether or not Mrs. Roke is going to be confined to a mental hospital, remains to be see.

So, I am evaded once again, but I think I now have the means to track down this insulting offender. The onion-fields of our great republic yield nothing, but I have discovered that Zweibel was the editor-in-chief for another propaganda newsletter: The Onion. How, may you ask, can I get to a man surrounded by personnel 24/7? Or will I even continue this vendetta after learning that the g-mail was a joke? To this I say that an insult is an insult, no matter the context. But for the former question, I have learned that Mr. Zweibel no longer works as editor-in-chief at that place. He was forced to retire to his 627-bedroom mansion in 1958. Now, Zweibel, I will find you and make you pay!

How very strange. Just this morning, as I was checking my bank account, (currently $30 billion dollars) I received a spam letter from a T. Herman Zweibel proclaiming me to be a nitwit dunderhead with no common sense whatsoever. But this insult will not go unpunished! I have but one lead on Mr. Zweibel: the word "Onion". I swear that I will burn every onion field in the country if that is what it takes to get my revenge on this offender! I will drive the wretched species to extinction if that is what it takes! I swear, Zweibel, that I will not rest until you are caught punished, and jailed! Hear me out, Zweibel, I'm coming for you!

Completely Random Sequence of Events Happens

Today, the King of Arizona has declared war on the race of magical pixie-frogs, the world's first dog-eat-dog fight has begun on television, an anonymous person's iPad has shorted out, Jimmy's pet worm has escaped, Martians have discovered how to make a double-whopper with cheese, an ant has been stepped on, a book has been published, Bobby has made some new friends, Mrs. Rewe taught her students Calculus, the answer to today's crossword is "Mesopotamia", Yet another variation of Pac-Man was released, the Canadian police has captured a criminal, John has read a good book, someone has had to take French lessons, the birthday party candles didn't blow out completely, a German diner has served Shwarzwalder Kirshtorte for a limited time only, the bathtub water is a little too hot, Martha's mood ring is green right now, the Premier Neo-Destructionist General of Zimbabwe has decided to have pancakes with his breakfast, the Prime Minister's hedge clippers have attacked the President of the United States, and S.D. Tirase has run out of good ideas for his articles.*

*Normal articles will resume after Mr. Tirase comes up with a halfway-decent idea for one.

Good. My psychologist has finally helped me recover from the shock of learning that little Joseph will be staying with me for another 6 months. I had a stroke when I first heard the news. Still, at least this will let me get used to_ Hi everybody I am Joseph and I will be staying at my grumpy grampa's house for 6 months yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he has a big TV and he got me Wii Play to make me be quiet for 5 minutes I like the flying saucer game do you like the flying saucer game I like the flying saucer game and I have a lot of toys I'm going to like it here a lot yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!! (gasp, gasp) Sorry about that. I really need to get a better lock for my study door.

I give up. Little Joseph has utterly defeated me. With his parents in California on a press conference, I am forced to look after him myself. No Joseph, that doesn't go in your mouth! And I also have to deal with this little child 24/7! AA! AAAAAAAA!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

So Chan Caught Driving While Drunk, Made to Pay Fine

So Chan, the self-styled "Drunken Master", was caught driving while intoxicated and made to pay a 300.00 fine. He is currently in custody, awaiting trial.

Said Chan, "I am innocent. The only reason I was driving while drunk was because I was dueling the deadly Yin Yang assassin. After striking and stunning him, I jumped into my car and fled, knowing that his full power is unstoppable."

After explaining that he can only use his full potential when he is drunk, Master So once again pleaded innocent. It remains to be seen whether the judge will pardon him for his intoxication. However, the outlook remains grim. Said the judge, "While I can respect Master Chan's determination to live, I cannot respect the fact that he endangered other lives when he drove while drunken. Is one life so difficult when other lives hang in the balance?"

The Yin Yang assassin is currently being interviewed by reporters. Although there appeared some complications, such as the assassin killing the first, second, and third news crews, finally a reporter has managed to ask him a question while sustaining only mildly life-threatening injuries. "We are confident that the assassin will soon be interviewed in full. The reporter's first asked question, 'Will you please not kill me?' and the Yin Yang assassins answer, 'No,' will be a bold step forward," said the judge. "Soon, both sides of the story will be revealed, and we can finally come to the correct conclusion and find out who is really in the wrong."

Hurry up with your breakfast, little Joseph! I have to go in 30 minutes! Oh, sorry. I have to babysit little Joseph while his parents go to see a movie, and I have to leave for a conference in half an hour! Little Joseph, if you don't get ready soon, I am going to drag you out of your chair and strap you into my limousine, finished breakfast or no finished breakfast! Oh good, he's.........bringing the remainder of his breakfast, as well as a half dozen other cereal boxes and a plate of scrambled eggs and greasy bacon.........in..........to...........the car!? No, no, no! you can't bring that into my $10 million dollar limousine! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! My $7 million dollar upholstery! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Good, I remembered to publish today's article on time. I would advise you to keep reading, as I get a little more money for every minute you spend reading this. That's right! I'll drain you dry, and there's not a thing you can do about it! Every second more you read this, the more your family will sink into poverty! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Board of Kung-Fu Masters Declines to Teach New Students

The Board of Kung-Fu Masters has, this Tuesday, announced that they will not teach any new students.

Said Mr. Miyagi, "How many times in the past years has a great prodigy in kung-fu turned against his elderly master? We have had enough. We will not teach any new students." "Beggar So" So Chan agreed. "There are so many prodigies who have turned to the dark side that it is not even funny! We have decided to take direct action against the perpetrators!" Shaolin monk Han-San-Ki said that, though regrettable, the ban was necessary.

"Too many prodigies have turned to the dark side. We cannot afford any more." The American public has expressed outrage at the ban. "We want to learn kung fu, so why can't we?" asked one anonymous protester. "What's wrong with wanting to know how to defend ourselves?"

To combat this, the Board has decided to assign every person their own private ninja bodyguard. "It should work, I'm pretty sure it'll work," said Jackie Chan. "Of course, there aren't actually that many ninja out there in the first place, and I suppose we'll have to train new people to become ninjas, which would break the ban, which would mean people wouldn't need ninja bodyguards........Oh well. It sounded a lot better in the drawing room." Rumors that Obi-Wan Kenobi's ghost had a part in enacting and formulating the ban have not yet been confirmed.