So Chan Caught Driving While Drunk, Made to Pay Fine

So Chan, the self-styled "Drunken Master", was caught driving while intoxicated and made to pay a 300.00 fine. He is currently in custody, awaiting trial.

Said Chan, "I am innocent. The only reason I was driving while drunk was because I was dueling the deadly Yin Yang assassin. After striking and stunning him, I jumped into my car and fled, knowing that his full power is unstoppable."

After explaining that he can only use his full potential when he is drunk, Master So once again pleaded innocent. It remains to be seen whether the judge will pardon him for his intoxication. However, the outlook remains grim. Said the judge, "While I can respect Master Chan's determination to live, I cannot respect the fact that he endangered other lives when he drove while drunken. Is one life so difficult when other lives hang in the balance?"

The Yin Yang assassin is currently being interviewed by reporters. Although there appeared some complications, such as the assassin killing the first, second, and third news crews, finally a reporter has managed to ask him a question while sustaining only mildly life-threatening injuries. "We are confident that the assassin will soon be interviewed in full. The reporter's first asked question, 'Will you please not kill me?' and the Yin Yang assassins answer, 'No,' will be a bold step forward," said the judge. "Soon, both sides of the story will be revealed, and we can finally come to the correct conclusion and find out who is really in the wrong."

Board of Kung-Fu Masters Declines to Teach New Students

The Board of Kung-Fu Masters has, this Tuesday, announced that they will not teach any new students.

Said Mr. Miyagi, "How many times in the past years has a great prodigy in kung-fu turned against his elderly master? We have had enough. We will not teach any new students." "Beggar So" So Chan agreed. "There are so many prodigies who have turned to the dark side that it is not even funny! We have decided to take direct action against the perpetrators!" Shaolin monk Han-San-Ki said that, though regrettable, the ban was necessary.

"Too many prodigies have turned to the dark side. We cannot afford any more." The American public has expressed outrage at the ban. "We want to learn kung fu, so why can't we?" asked one anonymous protester. "What's wrong with wanting to know how to defend ourselves?"

To combat this, the Board has decided to assign every person their own private ninja bodyguard. "It should work, I'm pretty sure it'll work," said Jackie Chan. "Of course, there aren't actually that many ninja out there in the first place, and I suppose we'll have to train new people to become ninjas, which would break the ban, which would mean people wouldn't need ninja bodyguards........Oh well. It sounded a lot better in the drawing room." Rumors that Obi-Wan Kenobi's ghost had a part in enacting and formulating the ban have not yet been confirmed.