George W. Bush Attempts To Assassinate Barack Obama

President Barack Obama has been the target of many threats and assassination attempts. However, the most shocking of these happened just last week: an assassination attempt by former president George W. Bush.

The details are not widely know, but it is believed that the ex-president invited the Obama to his Texas home and attempted to stampede him with a horde of Texas cattle. Bush was taken into custody at 1:00 in the morning. President Barack Obama was taken to the hospital at the same time.

He suffered minor injuries and bruises and 2 broken ribs. Said Bush, "I woulda gotten him if he would've just stood still. Instead, this guy jumped out of the way. Why, 3 of my most prized Texas cattle got knocked unconscious. I'm gonna sue Obama'a pants off until I get my money back."

However, it is in doubt whether or not Bush will be released at all. He is currently at 1 count of attempted murder, and the Department of Justice is out for blood. "Ohhhhh yeah, ohhhhh yeah," said one employee. "Bush has had this coming for 8 long years. Finally, finally we can bust him once and for all."

"I voted for the electric chair", he said in a conspiratorial whisper. Indeed, the entire Democratic Party is clamoring for Bush's execution, or at least 70 years in prison.

"So, Bush isn't so high and mighty now, is he?", said a registered Democratic voter. "He's going down, down, and down. He had his laughs, and now it's our turn. Prepare to eat steel, 'Dubya'!!", he said viciously, while throwing a barbed steel dart at a poster of Bush's head.

One of the few witnesses of the attack commented on the incident, saying that "It was a bit like that Jimmy Carter Rabbit Incident back in 1979, with a beserk Southern inhabitant attempting to attack the President, only this time we caught the offender. Take that, Rabbit of Caerbannog!"

Bush's only defense so far is himself stating that "I wasn't the one who tried to kill the President, that was those damn cows. And don't you forget it."

So Chan Caught Driving While Drunk, Made to Pay Fine

So Chan, the self-styled "Drunken Master", was caught driving while intoxicated and made to pay a 300.00 fine. He is currently in custody, awaiting trial.

Said Chan, "I am innocent. The only reason I was driving while drunk was because I was dueling the deadly Yin Yang assassin. After striking and stunning him, I jumped into my car and fled, knowing that his full power is unstoppable."

After explaining that he can only use his full potential when he is drunk, Master So once again pleaded innocent. It remains to be seen whether the judge will pardon him for his intoxication. However, the outlook remains grim. Said the judge, "While I can respect Master Chan's determination to live, I cannot respect the fact that he endangered other lives when he drove while drunken. Is one life so difficult when other lives hang in the balance?"

The Yin Yang assassin is currently being interviewed by reporters. Although there appeared some complications, such as the assassin killing the first, second, and third news crews, finally a reporter has managed to ask him a question while sustaining only mildly life-threatening injuries. "We are confident that the assassin will soon be interviewed in full. The reporter's first asked question, 'Will you please not kill me?' and the Yin Yang assassins answer, 'No,' will be a bold step forward," said the judge. "Soon, both sides of the story will be revealed, and we can finally come to the correct conclusion and find out who is really in the wrong."