George W. Bush Attempts To Assassinate Barack Obama

President Barack Obama has been the target of many threats and assassination attempts. However, the most shocking of these happened just last week: an assassination attempt by former president George W. Bush.

The details are not widely know, but it is believed that the ex-president invited the Obama to his Texas home and attempted to stampede him with a horde of Texas cattle. Bush was taken into custody at 1:00 in the morning. President Barack Obama was taken to the hospital at the same time.

He suffered minor injuries and bruises and 2 broken ribs. Said Bush, "I woulda gotten him if he would've just stood still. Instead, this guy jumped out of the way. Why, 3 of my most prized Texas cattle got knocked unconscious. I'm gonna sue Obama'a pants off until I get my money back."

However, it is in doubt whether or not Bush will be released at all. He is currently at 1 count of attempted murder, and the Department of Justice is out for blood. "Ohhhhh yeah, ohhhhh yeah," said one employee. "Bush has had this coming for 8 long years. Finally, finally we can bust him once and for all."

"I voted for the electric chair", he said in a conspiratorial whisper. Indeed, the entire Democratic Party is clamoring for Bush's execution, or at least 70 years in prison.

"So, Bush isn't so high and mighty now, is he?", said a registered Democratic voter. "He's going down, down, and down. He had his laughs, and now it's our turn. Prepare to eat steel, 'Dubya'!!", he said viciously, while throwing a barbed steel dart at a poster of Bush's head.

One of the few witnesses of the attack commented on the incident, saying that "It was a bit like that Jimmy Carter Rabbit Incident back in 1979, with a beserk Southern inhabitant attempting to attack the President, only this time we caught the offender. Take that, Rabbit of Caerbannog!"

Bush's only defense so far is himself stating that "I wasn't the one who tried to kill the President, that was those damn cows. And don't you forget it."

President Warns America of Munchkin Army Threat

America has stood the test of time through wars, the Great Depression, and Communists. But, the President warns, none of these may be as great a threat as the Munchkin Army.

Said President Barack Obama, "These 'Munchkins' conceal a greater threat than the Communists. Beneath their adorable exterior lies an evil mind plotting world domination. There are millions of Munchkins, and more are being born each day. When they decide to strike, America must ask whether it is ready, and must answer with a resonant 'yes!'"

"The Munchkin, a stage of adolescence when someone realizes that they are not the center of the universe, but before they lose their cuteness, is a dangerous stage," explained one leading psychologist who refused to be named. "Naturally, they are angry at the world, and that, combined with their irresistible cuteness, makes them a force to be reckoned with. I shudder to think what would happen if someone organized them and put their supernatural powers to good use."

This threat was first assessed Monday morning, when an elite squad of Munchkins broke into the Pentagon. They very nearly managed to steal the top-secret plans for an Anti-Munchkin Laser before they were captured and sentenced to 20 minutes on time-out. The Munchkins were very well-organized, and equipped with acid-squirting milk-bottles and grenade rattles.

Police are questioning who funded the project. Said one officer, "Even at the point where Munchkins know what's going on, they still aren't organized enough to attempt a break-in at the Pentagon. Most Munchkins would just toddle in when a guard came out, but these dropped in from a helicopter. How'd they even learn how to fly the thing?"

Many people are asking the same thing. "Munchkins are cute, but they don't have this kind of training", said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. "I can assure you, we'll be looking into who funded and trained these Munchkins. If they could break into the Pentagon, they could declare war, and the fact that they attempted to destroy our plans for the Anti-Munchkin Laser is telling. If they do declare war on the rest of the world, America, at least, will be ready."