Sunday, October 31, 2010

Excellent, excellent....... Little Joseph has successfully gotten into his ninja costume. By now there can be no doubt in my mind that I will reap greater rewards than ever this year. However, some idiotic "Child Safety Laws" say that little Joseph will have to be accompanied by an adult. Ah well, I'm sure Mr. Kane will suffice for this job. Honestly_ stupid government. Do they even hold that much power? I miss the good old early 2oth Century, when the American government was controlled by oil, steel, and gunpowder magnates. Back then, all you needed to do was to have several million or billion dollars, and you already had a size-able percentage of the government that would do whatever you wanted. I distinctly remember doing that myself quite a bit, and I still have some $20 billion dollars left. Ah well, times change, but I was somewhat hoping that they would just change for everyone else!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Little Joseph is getting restive. Maybe next year, I should buy a TiVo to keep him distracted for a ----ing 5 minutes! He has insisted on helping me with my articles, so I have locked this newspaper from him. It will be a relief to get my faithful man-servant Mr. Kane to take him back to his parents' house. Wait, what's this..........? AAAAAAAH! HE GOT IN THROUGH THE DOOR! DEACTIVATE THE PRINTER QUUUUUUUICK! NO! NO! NOOOOOOO! It's too late. he's got i_ Hi my name is Joseph and I am 3 and my grumpy old grampa said I couldn't play with his newspaper but I never listen to him so anyway I got on and ooooooooooooh what does this do ooooooh cool hey grampa what's this button that says "advertising" do what's this banner say wow there are a lot of them BUY ALLEN'S APPLE JUICE A GLYSIN CARPET IS A CARPET YOU CAN RELY ON BUY NEW WINDOWS SOFTWARE FREE WITH A $50.00 DONATION CLEANS 70% WHITER THAN THE LEADING BRAND YOU NEED TO BUY THIS AMAZING PRODUCT THIS IS A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITYYYYYYYYYYY_ Whew, I managed to unplug the printer. Well, all I can say is that he had better get a good haul this year or it's off to his parents' house for little Joseph. This child is more trouble than he's worth!
I have just finished carving my Jack-O-Lantern. I am sure that everyone will appreciate it when it is dropped onto their heads from my rooftop. I love Halloween. Now leave me to my nap, because I have plenty of ammo!
All Hallow's Eve (more commonly known as Halloween among you dirt-sniffing peasant commoners) is approaching, and I will dispatch my loyal grandson, J.S. Tirase, to go get candy for me. This ritual has been going since little Joseph was 2, and I see no reason to change it now. After all, why should I go out myself when I have a perfectly able little grandson to do it for me? He'll get more candy than I would, anyway. Admittedly, when I tried to Trick-Or-Treat in 1998, I did get a rather large amount of candy, but that was mainly because everyone fainted at the sight of me.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Nothing new to report here. The photographer finally managed to get a good picture of me, but that's about it. Now kindly leave me alone to my nap!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Stupid ---------- photo session. The photographer didn't get my good side, and he wants a re-shoot. All I can say is, if this keeps up, I might have to call in Mr. Kane.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What is it with these online aliases? I have been asked by my new secretary (I fired the old one) twice today to pose for a picture! I don't want my picture all over the internet, ---- it!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


-------------- it! My incompetent secretary misfiled my articles, the ---------- louse! Who decided to stick my finest five articles on this ------------ newspaper within a week! I have a good mind to -------- them into -------------! The ------------- ----------- with his ----!!! I am 150 years old and shouldn't be exposed to sudden shocks!*

*For the readers who have endured this censored post, the establishment assures you that the remaining articles will be posted at their proper times.

Cthulhu Sues Horoscope Company

The master of evil and insanity, Cthulhu, announced Wednesday that he would be suing the horoscope company for "loss of property". The master of darkness claimed that Monday's horoscope predicted his return by saying that "The master of darkness will return on the astrological alignment of Mortis 7 and Hastur 9, dooming the world to total destruction. Wear a hat."

The Dark Elder claimed that "There was not a single victim left, when I returned to wreak total destruction and destroy a thousand souls!"

The company refused to schedule a conference, to Cthulhu's great displeasure. "Why haven't they scheduled a hearing? Are they afraid of me!?" The mile-high Dark Elder of the Universe said, "All they have to do is cover their eyes, so they won't gaze upon my demonic visage and be frightened into insanity, cover their ears, so they won't hear my bone-chilling language, cover their noses so that they do not smell the aura of evil which permeates me, don't move, so they do not touch my scaly skin, and have an escape plan ready when my thirst for human flesh and blood overcomes me."

The horoscope company defended its horoscope, saying that "We printed this horoscope without knowing that Mr. Cthulhu would take offense at it, and if he took us to court, he would find that we are acting well within our constitutional right of free speech."

Cthulhu bitterly complained that the two suns' alignment would only last 24 hours and would not occur again for another millennia. "I have spent one thousand years preparing the other Elders for this, and now I am foiled by a newspaper prediction!?" Cthulhu shrieked, "I want payment for those thousand years, or I will lay waste to this town and all that live in it! I will ravage this town and destroy all that is there! No one will meet mercy! No one will survive!"

Said one member of the company " Not to overthink this, but don't you think Cthulhu is taking this a little too seriously?" The unnamed person was then devoured by Cthulhu's demonic minions. "I'm sure we can work something out", said Cthulhu. "Because if they do not reimburse me in full, I will kill every last one of them."

American Workers' Egos Removed

It was announced Saturday that an elite cult of billionaire businessmen, who wished to remain unnamed, announced that they had succeeded in creating the perfect factory worker: ego-less and personality-less. The worker, John Smith, replied in an even, calm tone, "Excuse me, sir. may I take your coat?" The leader of the cult then asked whether the worker would like a raise. "Why, no sir.", Mr. Smith replied, "As a matter of fact, you don't have to give me any money. I'm sure it'll go to a good cause."

It is widely expected for these industrious new workers to hit hardware stores around December, and there are rumors that the cult is improving a device that will turn ordinary people into calm, monotone-speaking workers. John Smith was put to work immediately in an automobile factory owned by one of the society, and dropped dead after working for 10 days nonstop.

"Now, this is what I'm talking about!" said the factory owner and member of the cult. "With the old workers, it was only 'Please, sir! My foot's stuck and I'm being pulled into that giant stamping machine,sir!' With these new workers, they'll drop dead before they complain, leaving me free to press my gold coins into busts of my head."

"I concur", said Bill Gates, who is believed to be a member of the cult. "I can make these workers check every computer in the line for loose cables, and they don't make a peep! Soon my plan to eliminate anyone who has ever crossed me with killer Microsoft robots will be complete! Watch out, Linus Torvalds - I'm coming for you! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The remaining "perfect workers" could not be reached for comment, although it is believed that they are either working calmly in the factory assembly lines, or perishing calmly in the factory stamping machines, welding torches, and giant spinning buzz-saw blades.

Energy Crisis Over

It is a great day for America. It was just announced this Tuesday that U.S. President Barack Obama has succeeded in contacting space aliens, who will use their "Oil-Ray" to end the energy crisis that has, for so long, plagued America.

Said the President, "With this new Oil-Ray, you will no longer need to limit showers to 10 minutes. All of you greedy, environment destroying oil tycoons, you need no longer worry about being woken up at 1:00 am by protesters. With the help of these space aliens and their leader <>^<<>>^^<>^<<>>, Earth will be supplied with an unlimited amount of natural oil!".

When asked how he has managed to procure 20,000 tons of oil in 2 weeks, <>^<<>>^^<>^<<>> said only that "We have been at war with the Oil-People of )~)(~()~)(~( for 5 months now."

"Soon people will be swimming in oil and other natural resources! You can paint your house black with all the oil we'll be getting!", said leading environmentalist Al Gore. "Pretty soon Earth will just be a beautiful, shiny, black ball that catches fire every time an asteroid hits it!".

Citizens everywhere are rejoicing."I really hope the aliens shoot us first with their Oil-Ray", said Mary Gapperham, 43, of 190, Kansas City Drive. "Someone pinch me, I must be dreaming!", said resident John S. Watson, C.E.O. of the Chevron Corporation, one of the largest oil companies in the world.

When asked about the many other countries that aren't wasting fuel and that probably wouldn't like to be drenched in oil, Watson said "These poor, uneducated people. They don't realize that oil is the major driving force behind their oil-free economies. I know because I made it happen. But these poor people will get the oil they need, whether they like it or not."

Spongebob Elected For President

By Junior Propagandist Joseph

Spongebob Squarepants, age 10, narrowly beat Squidward Tentacles, age 35, in a battle for the Presidency. Spongebob narrowly beat Squidward by 2 votes.

The furious Squidward demanded a recount, taking it to the Supreme Court, and biasing Spongebob on the grounds that he wasn't even 35. However, the law firm of Krabs and Cheeks secured a victory, on the grounds that cartoons are timeless.

Spongebob's campaign was marred by scandal, when it was discovered that Spongebob had been using a robotic double for several speeches, while the real candidate went backstage and flipped Krabby Patties.

Spongebob's inauguration went as planned, except for an assassination mishap. While Spongebob was taking the oath of office, it was discovered that the Chum Bucket, a local restaurant and rival of the Krusty Krab, where Spongebob's former job was located, was on wheels and had a rocket on the bottom. If the Secret Service had not shot at and destroyed the wheels, causing the bucket-shaped restaurant to capsize, our new president would be marred by an unseemly flat body. The attempted assassinator, a small protozoa, goes by the name of Sheldon-hee-hee J. Plankton. Regrettably, this dangerous plankton escaped, and anyone with information about his whereabouts should contact law enforcement.

Apparently, Squidward burst into tears upon learning of the election results. His fellow Republican, George W. Bush, patted him on the back, saying "There, there, buddy. There's always next time."

Martians Attack Marine Biologist

Professor Pierre Aronnax, 40, today was attacked by a Martian. Witnesses described it as "huge and metallic, with long, flexible, glittering tentacles, (one of which was gripping a young pine tree) swinging and rattling about its strange body. It picked the road as it went striding along, and the brazen hood that surmounted it moved to and fro with the inevitable suggestion of looking about. Behind the main body was a huge mass of white metal like a fisherman's basket, and puffs of green smoke squirted from the joints of the limbs as the monster swept by me. And in an instant it was gone."

Aronnax, famous for his adventures 20,000 leagues under the sea, documented by Jules Verne, reportedly ran upstairs when the tripod released a capsule of Black Smoke. The Martian, famous for its documentation by H.G. Wells, then used its Heat Ray to burn through the walls. Aronnax apparently jumped down when the floor was burnt through, and shattered the tripod's hood with a 2 foot tall, 55-pound cross-sectioned model of an Anemone. The Martian fell out of the broken tripod and tried to strangle Aronnax, but Earth's increased gravity pinned it to the burnt floor.

The Martian was brought to the country's top scientists for further study. When asked about whether he would continue his studies, Aronnax replied that he would continue to verify Verne's work, while simultaneously ridiculing Well's for his unrealistic tales, Professor Aronnax replied that he would, despite the attacks by an invisible man, a time traveler, and Doctor Moreau in the past month.

Ah, my comrades, it has occurred to me that you might like to know when and how I publish my articles, and I, being the editor and owner of this fine establishment, feel compelled to answer. I will publish three articles a week. One on Monday, one on Wednesday, and one on Friday. I will publish no articles on the week-ends, so as to allow you to absorb the current articles. Now, as I believe that I have cleared my conscience. I will kindly ask you to please keep it down. And don't ever disturb my nap again!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Propaganda Central

Propaganda Central
Vos es a valde bardus
The newspaper for the mentally challenged

Ah, comrades, we are entering into a new era of misinformation. The new "internet" allows propaganda to be transported all over the world, hence our name. And so, Propaganda Central enters into the fold. I hope that you will enjoy this, and trust that you not believe a word of it, unless
vos es a valde bardus!