"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1" Removed From D-BOX Theaters From D-BOX Theaters, As Mortality Rate Rises

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 is a film long awaited by aspiring fans. However, in the wake of the numerous casualties suffered by the participants of the D-BOX motion code, a strategic decision has been taken to pull the movie out of participating theaters.

"This isn't us being vindictive, it's us being safe," said one harassed spokesman, when questioned by reporters. "Over 30 people were dead already, we had to pull the movie out before the Department of Homeland Security did it for us."

D-BOX motion code, a new technology, was first used in the 2009 movie Fast & Furious, and is a Canadian company which puts motion simulators in certain theaters. Apparently, the technology used in the Deathly Hallows was designed to be a technological breakthrough. Said another technological designer, who asked to remain anonymous, "It was all going along great. Our new 'IMAX simulator' technology projected all the visual effects onto the ground, walls, and ceiling of the theater. But I think we got a little carried away with the Avada Kedavra."

The new technology was designed so that the audience could experience the "feel" of the movie, with attachments to the seats that allowed the audience to experience everything from cool night air to grass under their feet. However, the motion code also apparently let the audience experience the full sensation of the Avada Kedavra Killing Curse.

Said one theater employee, " I was just supervising the movie, so I was a little unprepared when bolts of green light that killed anything they hit started ricocheting across the room." At least 16 people were killed in the first big battle scene, the Battle over Little Whinging. The rest were hit by Imperius Curses that went awry, making them remain in their seats until the movie was over. At least 30 people were killed over the course of the movie before the police were called in to shoot Lord Voldemort into pieces, thus ending the catastrophic movie.

"They what?!" said one enthusiastic fan dressed as Harry Potter. "That's great! Yessssssssssssss! Voldemort got shot?! Oh man oh man! I so wish I was there!" When the reporter inquired politely about what the fan thought about the deaths of over 30 people, he replied,"Oh yeah. Those guys. Still.... they got the coolest deaths ever!!! C'mon! Getting shot by Voldemort?! Oh man oh man oh man!!!!!!!!!!! I so wish I was there!

Fake "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" Movie Released Early

In a move yesterday that shocked producers and humiliated movie critics, it was announced that the new "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" movie, released early, was not in fact the real one.

"Say what?" said most excited moviegoers upon hearing the news.

"I don't know what did it," said Mr. John McCoy, who gave the police a tip-off which eventually led to the capture of the fake "Warner Bros. Studios". Said Mr. McCoy, "Like I said, I don't know what tipped me off when I was seeing the movie that this wasn't the real one. Maybe it was the fact that Voldemort was a guy in black jeans and a black t-shirt with white face-paint on. Maybe it was the fact that Hogwarts was a painted shoe-box. Whatever it was, something just said in my mind, 'this isn't the real one'. So naturally I ran off to tell the police."

Fake Warner Bros. were arrested on a charge of fraud, and the actual Studio received $1 billion dollars, plus all of the profits earned by their impersonator. Police are still investigating the magnitude of the scam, which would still cost millions in getting the movies in the theaters, even if the movie itself cost absolutely nothing.

Said one investigator, "We're still trying to figure out who funded the project. The fake Warner Bros. Studios had all of their bank accounts checked, credit cards' money limit tested, even had their houses checked for physical cash. No luck. We've mainly come to a conclusion that there are only two possibilities left. One, that this project was funded by an outside force with a lot of money at their disposal. This would explain the magnitude of the project, but that also means that the possibility of actually catching him is close to nil. The more favored conclusion is that this studio merely 'piggybacked' on the set theaters in which the actual movie was going to be released, so they just bumped the date up."

Criminal psychologist Dr. F. Roy Dean Shllippe stated at a press conference yesterday, "It was actually a very clever scam. Some people were very annoyed at the fact that the "Deathly Hallows" movie was going to be released in two parts, and so, when this 'movie' came out, the public didn't even stop to think how awfully convenient this was. Although the scam itself mostly gave itself away the minute the movie appeared on-screen, the planning was masterfully done. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give this a seven."