Monday, January 10, 2011

U. S. Employs Final Measure To Exterminate Oil Spills: Sending BP To Davy Jones' Locker

In response to the wave of outrage uttered by environmentalists following the 2010 Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill, the United States, in an alliance with Canada, used their most desperate measure yet: sending all members of BP to Davy Jones' Locker.

In a move of espionage not seen since the obliteration of Mt. St. Helens by atomic bombs, both governments quietly invited all members of the former British Petroleum to a party on board a yacht containing some 100 gallons of oil in the cargo hold. The ship then was discreetly sailed to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, where the crew then left a time bomb in the hold and quietly sailed away. At exactly 12 midnight, the bomb went off collapsing the ship.

However, it also appears that the two countries had help: that of the mythical Davy Jones. Said Jones "Yes. Apparently, they wanted me to 'choke them to death with their own oil' or something to that effect. But the main reason I took the job was to kill those damned executives.", he hissed, his ghostly crew moaning behind him. "Do you have any idea what happened after all those oil spills? I couldn't get the horrid stuff out of my beard for weeks! Not to mention, my locker got so clogged up that I heard that one person just gave up and jumped into the Mariana Trench. The Mariana Trench!"

At this point, this reporter made a hasty retreat, before he was killed by the visibly agitated Jones. However, this may mark the largest economic upset since the Great Depression. As the entire BP oil company was completely destroyed, no one has filed a lawsuit against America and Canada; indeed, many European citizens were positively overjoyed at the news.

"BP's gone forever? Oh yeah!" said one jubilant Londoner. "No more oil spills on the news now! Finally, finally I can watch The Simpsons without feeling guilty about not watching the news about the oil spill! God be praised! Hallelujah!" "By the way", he said later, "BP, you totally asked for this."

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