Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Hi everybody!!!!!! It's Joseph again!!!! Did you know that Christmas is coming? My grampa knows 'cause I gave him my Christmas list!!!! All 975,798 things on it! And I know he'll get them all 'cause I'll throw a tantrum if I don't!! I love the Christmas season!!! It's a time of goodwill and greetings to everyone!!! I even saw Tom-Tom the monkey writing a list today!!!
Oh well..... I suppose that Master Tom-Tom is not as bad a threat as I first thought. Admittedly, there was that time when he deleted £500 from my Swiss bank account, but apart from that, he is an excellent pet. It turns out that, still being just a baby, he cannot reach most doorknobs, meaning that my stash of 100 year old Scotch is safe. Not only that, but he has proved to be an excellent newspaper writer, and I have made him the chief writer in that respect* (being able to use all 4 limbs, as well as the tail, in typing means that he can work 5 times as fast as the old writer). He is now a full-fledged member of our staff, and he has one more asset, probably greater than any other: nothing persuades people to make huge donations to us more than an adorable monkey sitting at the visitor's desk.

* Fine. Make all the jokes about "monkeys running this newspaper" that you want.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Propaganda Central Contract

Warning! By Reading This Article, You Are Legally Bound

And Must Obey The Terms Listed

_By Reading This Article, I, ______, Being of Sound Mind and Sound Body, Agree To All The Terms Listed Herewith. I Accept That Any Deviation Is Grounds For Up To A 50,000 Fine and That If Such A Fine Is Incurred, I Promise To Legally Pay It Off Within A Period Of 31 Days. I Am Not Eligible For Legal Counsel In This Case, As I Have Read And Agreed To The Statements Listed Within.

I Hereby Do Accept The Terms Of This Contract,


Firm Of Tirase, Tirase, and Mentin


_I Agree That, By Reading This Contract, I Draft Myself Into Propaganda Central Staff For A Period Of 5-50 Years**.

_I Agree To Donate Any Funds Secured By Myself, (i.e. My Job, Or Any Other Context Involving The Securing Of Money) To Propaganda Central, In Exchange For Lodging.

_I Agree That, If I Cannot Perform Any Of The Prior Tasks, I Put Myself In Penal Servitude To Propaganda Central For A Minimum Of 10 Years***.

_I Agree That If I Break This Contract, I Will Be Fined A Minimum*** Of 50,000 Dollars And/Or A Minimum Of 20 Years In Jail.

_I Agree To Serve Mr. Tirase Faithfully For The Duration Of My Years****. All Hail Mr. Tirase, Our Bearded Saviour. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail.......

_I Agree That I Am Not Entitled To Legal Counsel If The Contractor Behaves Unfairly, As I Have Agreed with This Contract And Its Terms, No Matter How Unfair They May Be*****.

_I Hereby Agree To Join Joseph's Munchkin Army When He Begins To Enlist Officers For His Plan To Steal America's Gold Reserves******.

_I Hereby Agree To Give Mr. Tirase's Grandson Joseph Access To All Of My Most Prized Toys, Games, And Movies*******.

Your Bailout Fee: $200,000,000 or £150,000,000

*This Contract Should Not Be Taken Seriously, Unless you Have Read It.

**By 5-50, The Contract Means, '5-550'.

***Maximum Of 5,000,000, (Dollars, Years, etc. etc.)

****"Unfair" Meaning "Taking Both Home, Money, Life, and Soul."

******Ignore This.

*******I Wonder How Joseph Managed To Get To My Typewriter. I Really Must Move It.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Well, this week is over. I think that I can safely say that I am well rid of the Thanksgiving spirit, but there is something about this erratic holiday that I miss. Perhaps it is the inflatable turkeys in all of the shop windows; perhaps it is the Thanksgiving television specials. Perhaps it is just the feeling of goodwill and happiness that abounds during this week. Whatever it is, somehow I am feeling hollow, as if a bit of myself were carved out. Strange, considering how this day in its entirety has irked me through a century and a half. However, I will not despair: this holiday comes once a year, which is extremely often when you think of the average human lifespan. I have endured 149 Thanksgivings throughout my years, and I think that my memory can weather one more.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Curse you, Black Friday!!! Your incessant shopping makes it impossible to get anything done! All I wanted was to go to the Apple store to get one lousy iPad! I got it, but the crowd nearly killed me trying to get it first! Stupid companies! Why do you have to make one day where everyone goes to the store at once! I barely escaped from one shopping trip with my life (the perpetrators have all been sued, and are currently residing in the local prison for one count of second degree murder each. Serves them right)! But still.......! I hate this ------- day, and I've hated it for all 150 years of my life! Now get out of here, before I brain you with this keyboard!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Perfect Brain Concieved: 1% Inspiration, 99% Perspiration

Thomas Alva Edison is known for many great things, such as the light-bulb, but perhaps the most well-known is his famous saying: "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration."
Up until now, it was just a cryptic adage showing the value of hard work: no longer. Scientists at Johns Hopkins University have taken this saying to heart, producing what is being flaunted as the perfect brain: an organic capsule with 1% of the total brain space being occupied by part of the cerebrum, and with 99% percent being occupied by human sweat.
Said one scientist, "We are very pleased with the result. We were just thinking one day, 'What wastes the most space in an average human brain?' And then the answer hit us: the brain itself!"
Indeed, the brain, dubbed the EdisonBrain, uses the sweat for nutrients for the small amount of actual brain, theoretically allowing it to move up to twice as fast as an average brain.
However, difficulties were to be encountered. "The problem is, sweat will poison the brain if directly exposed to it.", said another of the scientists who worked on the project. "So, we have put a small vacuum chamber around the brain, so that only actual nutrients will reach the brain."
When this reporter inquired whether or not the brain would be crushed in the chamber, the scientist gave him a condescending pat on the head and a cookie.
The scientists responded to other scientists' questioning as to how the brain will survive when there is just salt left the same way. "Pooh-pooh," said Mr. P.R. Spire, the scientist who directed the project. "They just don't understand the complexities of the human brain the way we do. I'm sure everything will become clear in a month or so."
"Oh, every thing's becoming clear all right," said physicist Stephen Hawking. "Very clear."

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Recipe For Roast Turkey

The average turkey is a modern nightmare. Cooked in an oven, cut up at a butcher-shop– the most many people touch it is to stick it in to cook. Our recipe is different. prepared as the Pilgrims would have prepared it, cooked as they would have cooked it, and eaten as they would have eaten it– the perfect turkey. We now invite you to follow the instructions– and dig in!

Step 1: Catch a turkey between 15-20 pounds. Use a bow and arrow.

Step 2: Pluck the turkey.

Step 3: Cut off the turkey's head and remove its organs (use a small dagger).

Step 4: Prepare a fire and make a spit over it.

Step 5: Put the turkey on the spit.

Step 6: Wait for 4 hours.

Step 7: Bring the half-raw carcass to the table.

Step 8: Dig in!

If you have done this correctly, the turkey will have a half-raw, rather slimy texture to it. Use only a small dagger to eat. when you reach bones, crack them open– marrow is a good source of fat! Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Dear God, what have I done? Little Joseph was bad enough alone, but now he has an accomplice! Oh why did I say that he could buy himself a pet? I thought he would get himself a puppy, but instead he gets himself a monkey! Even that wouldn't be so bad, but this primate seems privy with all of Joseph's thoughts, including his fondness for annoying me. I thought I had it bad enough with I.N. Competent around, but now I have to deal with Master Tom-Tom, who is almost as bad. Granted, he is more high-class and squeaks with a British accent, but serves mainly as an extension for Joseph's rule-breaking. Not only does he have an extensive knowledge of how to pick locks, but he also knows how to work a computer, which means that none of my 10 bank accounts are safe! I have had to change passwords 5 times this week already! Still, Joseph is happy, and I would give much for Joseph to be happy (mainly because it means that he is not still annoying me).

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Shakespeare's Lost Years Explained, Censored

It is both a great day for historians and a great day for linguists as the letters which explained Shakespeare's Lost Years have been discovered and censored.

According to the letters, Shakespeare worked at a small theater after moving to London, but was fired for 'unnecessarily complicating' his plays with things like intermission, 'soda water' stands, and half-time bear baiting. This prompted Shakespeare to write a series of letters unsuitable for anyone under the age of 21 to read.

The mildest letter, written at the beginning, reads "Yov little wastrel, yov are pigeon-livered and lacking gall. Yovr tongue ovtvenoms all the wyrms of the Nile. Yov are knotty-pated like a hunch back'd toad, yov plague-sore. Yov are proof that ovr Lord made several mistakes before arriving on ovr perfect forms."

However, other, later letters contain more language. One example is the final letter, possibly the worst of them all. It reads, "Ha ha ha! My plays are on the fvll stage, not like yovr dilapidated little (censored). I'll become the greatest playwright in history, while yov rot in a cell, yov little (censored) (censored) of (censored). I'll see to it yov die in poverty, before I (censored) censored). Yov're doomed, yov little (censored). Yov disgusting little (censored). Not to mention yov (censored) when you (censored). Take that, yov filth! Take that, yov pigeon-livered toad! Take that, yov_" At this point, the letter becomes a mere list of swear-words and obscene language.

Despite this, however, historians are praising these letters. "It's amazing! It's spectacular! It's stupendous!" said one researcher of Shakespeare's life. "I can't believe that we've discovered Shakespeare's Lost Years now, after all these years." Linguists and parents, too, are praising the letters because of the fact that they contain every known swear-word in the English language, as well as some 250 ones unknown to anyone except the Bard himself. Said Mrs. Catherine of 365 West Street, Wyoming, "I wasn't even aware that 'tuck' was a swear word. I'll have to punish Jimmy when he asks to be tucked in tonight."

Ah–alas. My muse, though inspirational at times, has deserted me, even only if temporarily. And so, I have but no ideas for today's article. Surely, there is fodder for satirists everywhere– one only has to step out of their room to find it– but our articles, our sophistication are what put us head and shoulders above the average buffoon seeking to make fun of things he does not understand. No, we will not sink to that level– we will endure, and I will not make fun at every little thing. So my muse has deserted me for now– we can manage, and the public will not be put out by our lack of one post. As a matter of fact, I doubt many of them will notice it. Still, we will survive, and I will not pay the heavy price that comes from lowering your standards. Well, look at that– my struggle with my inner self has just got me an article.
Ah, Mr. Watley–excellent move. But you see, I am a master of Whist, and have been ever since i entered my 60th year. Wait–what–you–you have all 4 top cards in the trump suit?! ----- it! You....... just....... won.-------- it! Oh well– good game, Mr. Watley. Good-bye. Perhaps I should back up. I have begun going to a good-natured game of Whist after I finish the article for the day. Apparently, all of the well-to-do gentlemen who own newspapers generally go here. Not to be outdone, I naturally decided to give it a try, (Propaganda Central must not remain out-dated!), and I must say that it is a good way to relax, with the exception of a few things. That means you, Mordecai Grunion!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Envelope Glue Discovered To Be Poisonous

In a test that shocked nobody, it was discovered that envelope glue is poisonous. This well-known fact was only scientifically confirmed Thursday, when a group of scientists discovered what the rest of America already knew.

In a 30-day survey, 2 groups of people each licked 3 envelopes shut each hour. Group 1 licked standard postal glue. Group 2 licked an identical compound of baboon mucus, toad enzymes, and hippopotamus saliva. After 15 days, where group 1 became severely diseased and group 2 remained the same, they switched. Both groups agreed that both glues tasted the same, with the possible exception of glue 2 tasting better. At the end of another 15 days, group 2 became sick, while group one became mostly better. The results of the test were released Thursday, to no one's surprise at all.

"Oh, that stuff's poisonous?' stated Connecticut resident Thomas Smith. "Huh. Fancy that. Better go remind my kids about that. Thanks for the reminder."

The Postal companies are abuzz about the recent publicity of their already widely known poison."Geez, why's this such a big deal?" asked one postal employee, who preferred not to be named. "We already knew that, the Surgeon General already okayed it because no one in their right minds would lick the stuff, so why's everyone so shocked by it?"

However, some people dislike the postal glue and have been lobbying against the poison for years now. "That you have to lick this stuff to seal an envelope just makes me shudder," proclaimed California citizen Mary Hy Gene. "When we were little, we'd use all sorts of tricks so that we wouldn't have to lick it: getting our siblings to stick their tongues out and swiping it across them, swabbing it with a towel, etc., etc. Now, of course, we've recognized it for what is is, and I'll never touch the stuff again. Never."

The postal service has stated that it will resume production of the envelope glue until the Surgeon General himself disapproves it. Said another worker, "This one test is nothing to hang your hat on. Everyone already knew that, so it shouldn't change a thing. Who licks that stuff, anyway?" The Surgeon General could not be reached for comment.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Hmph. Apparently, Thanksgiving is coming, a holiday which intrigues me. Why on Earth are we celebrating that our ancestors were too stupid to get food for themselves? Why are we celebrating that Native Americans, feeling pity for these poor helpless fools, decided to have dinner with them? Besides, the Pilgrims spawned many generations of idiots who inquire about your ancestry and claim that they are "true" Americans. The last one I met, I quickly dispatched with my walking-stick. Not so arrogant now, are you? As a matter of fact, I believe that for many people, this is merely an excuse to stuff their faces. But now, if you will excuse me, ther is another Pilgrims re-enactment that I must destroy. Take that, Squanto! And that, Captain Miles Standish! Die! Die! Die!!!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Well men, I'm back from jury duty. The man was proven guilty, and everything sorted itself out in the end. I say, what is........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! My newsroom... my difference-engine... my... my... MY BANK ACCOUNT!!! MY MONEY HAS DROPPED FROM $50 BILLION DOLLARS, £30 MILLION POUNDS, AND ∞ TURKISH LIRA BY 3 ZEROES!!!!!!!!! JOSEPH!!!!!! Wait a minute– how did he get access to my bank account? More importantly, why has he been in charge for these past few days? Oh..... wait......... I see.......... for future reference, Mr. Competent, "closest living relative" does not mean "relative in closest proximity". I really ought to have seen this coming– I should never trust a fool, especially one named I.N. Competent. Come to think of it, why did I make that idiot my secretary in the first place?

Friday, November 19, 2010

"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1" Removed From D-BOX Theaters From D-BOX Theaters, As Mortality Rate Rises

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 is a film long awaited by aspiring fans. However, in the wake of the numerous casualties suffered by the participants of the D-BOX motion code, a strategic decision has been taken to pull the movie out of participating theaters.

"This isn't us being vindictive, it's us being safe," said one harassed spokesman, when questioned by reporters. "Over 30 people were dead already, we had to pull the movie out before the Department of Homeland Security did it for us."

D-BOX motion code, a new technology, was first used in the 2009 movie Fast & Furious, and is a Canadian company which puts motion simulators in certain theaters. Apparently, the technology used in the Deathly Hallows was designed to be a technological breakthrough. Said another technological designer, who asked to remain anonymous, "It was all going along great. Our new 'IMAX simulator' technology projected all the visual effects onto the ground, walls, and ceiling of the theater. But I think we got a little carried away with the Avada Kedavra."

The new technology was designed so that the audience could experience the "feel" of the movie, with attachments to the seats that allowed the audience to experience everything from cool night air to grass under their feet. However, the motion code also apparently let the audience experience the full sensation of the Avada Kedavra Killing Curse.

Said one theater employee, " I was just supervising the movie, so I was a little unprepared when bolts of green light that killed anything they hit started ricocheting across the room." At least 16 people were killed in the first big battle scene, the Battle over Little Whinging. The rest were hit by Imperius Curses that went awry, making them remain in their seats until the movie was over. At least 30 people were killed over the course of the movie before the police were called in to shoot Lord Voldemort into pieces, thus ending the catastrophic movie.

"They what?!" said one enthusiastic fan dressed as Harry Potter. "That's great! Yessssssssssssss! Voldemort got shot?! Oh man oh man! I so wish I was there!" When the reporter inquired politely about what the fan thought about the deaths of over 30 people, he replied,"Oh yeah. Those guys. Still.... they got the coolest deaths ever!!! C'mon! Getting shot by Voldemort?! Oh man oh man oh man!!!!!!!!!!! I so wish I was there!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hi everybody!!!!!!! Joseph is back!!!!!!!!!! Did you know that grampa has an Xbox Kinect? It is a funny game. I like it when I kick the other player and he realistically doubles over in pain! The game is so realistic that I can't even tell that the member of the newspaper that I'm playing with is on the screen!!! See, I can poke him and kick him and look, he even moans in pain when I hit him!! I love this game!! Look out Player 2!! That must have hurt!! Hey what's this? How come the screen is blank? Oh look, the TV isn't even on!! Hey what's this big flat black thing with the words Xbox 360 on it still in the box?
Hi everybody! My name is Joseph and my grumpy grampa is away so now I am Propagandist-In-Chief! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! 'Cause I am his closest available relative, I have control of his whole wide newspaper until he comes back!!!!!! Okay men, here are some strict changes. Mr. Kane, put down that cudgel. 1) Everybody gets free Twinkies!! 2) Mr. Kane has to show me how to access grampa's bank account!! 3) I am going to the toy store right now!! Wow thanks Mr. Kane!! Hey what do all these zeroes mean? They mean that much money?? I'mgoingtothetoystoretobuythenewLegosetsdon'twaitup!! I think I am gonna enjoy working here!!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Fake "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" Movie Released Early

In a move yesterday that shocked producers and humiliated movie critics, it was announced that the new "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" movie, released early, was not in fact the real one.

"Say what?" said most excited moviegoers upon hearing the news.

"I don't know what did it," said Mr. John McCoy, who gave the police a tip-off which eventually led to the capture of the fake "Warner Bros. Studios". Said Mr. McCoy, "Like I said, I don't know what tipped me off when I was seeing the movie that this wasn't the real one. Maybe it was the fact that Voldemort was a guy in black jeans and a black t-shirt with white face-paint on. Maybe it was the fact that Hogwarts was a painted shoe-box. Whatever it was, something just said in my mind, 'this isn't the real one'. So naturally I ran off to tell the police."

Fake Warner Bros. were arrested on a charge of fraud, and the actual Studio received $1 billion dollars, plus all of the profits earned by their impersonator. Police are still investigating the magnitude of the scam, which would still cost millions in getting the movies in the theaters, even if the movie itself cost absolutely nothing.

Said one investigator, "We're still trying to figure out who funded the project. The fake Warner Bros. Studios had all of their bank accounts checked, credit cards' money limit tested, even had their houses checked for physical cash. No luck. We've mainly come to a conclusion that there are only two possibilities left. One, that this project was funded by an outside force with a lot of money at their disposal. This would explain the magnitude of the project, but that also means that the possibility of actually catching him is close to nil. The more favored conclusion is that this studio merely 'piggybacked' on the set theaters in which the actual movie was going to be released, so they just bumped the date up."

Criminal psychologist Dr. F. Roy Dean Shllippe stated at a press conference yesterday, "It was actually a very clever scam. Some people were very annoyed at the fact that the "Deathly Hallows" movie was going to be released in two parts, and so, when this 'movie' came out, the public didn't even stop to think how awfully convenient this was. Although the scam itself mostly gave itself away the minute the movie appeared on-screen, the planning was masterfully done. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give this a seven."

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Ah, I have excellent news! I no longer must endure the terror of Harry Potter news 24/7! You see, I have been called out to that most vital of human endeavors: jury duty. Finally, I may leave this one-subjected news-house, even if only for a few days*! I can only hope that this trial lasts until Friday; for that way, we may return to our omni-present news coverage the minute I get back! Quick! I must don my best silk suit! Cravat! Best top-hat! Cuff-links! Spats! There! I believe my image is now presentable, even if it does scream extreme opulence! To the limousine, Mr. Kane: I'm going out!

*For the record, the fact that I bribed the judge just yesterday has nothing to do with this amazingly timed occurrence.
It has come to my attention that the first part of the final installment in the Harry Potter film series will be premiering this Friday. Normally, of course, I would pay this no heed: the news runs for everything, eh what! But it appears that most of my reporters are fans of the series, and will not get it out of their heads. They will not focus on any worthy news subject other than this film*, so it is with the deepest trepidation that I inform you that the articles leading up to the premiere will have one subject: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1. I hope that you can endure hearing only about this film, because I cannot. Now shut the blasted door and never disturb my nap again!

*Remind me to dock their pay when this horrible turn of events is over.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Large Plump Caterpillar Does Absolutely Nothing

For the past 3 days, America has been kept in shocking suspense. In an Illinois orchard, a large plump caterpillar has done absolutely nothing for the past 72 hours.

Press reporters from all the major newspapers have been issued, as well as live coverage from CNN. Our own Propaganda Central reporter was crushed under a wave of photographers, forcing Mr. Tirase to dispatch a new one. However, his efforts were in vain, as the caterpillar refused to comment.

The large larva, identified as a Monarch Butterfly in the larval stage, has stood in a perfectly still position since Saturday, when it was first discovered. "I don't get it," said the farmer in charge of the orchard, Frank Helmsmith. "It's a caterpillar, that's all it does: it stands still. I'm not even sure if it's alive or not."

But people's opinions differ. Said one reporter, "I can just see it now. We're going to make a hit reality show entitled 'Caterpillar: Dead or Alive'! I tell you, we'll make this larva into a star, no matter whether it's alive or not! It'll be the greatest media presentation since the O.J. Simpson Trial!"

When asked whether it objected to the publicity it was getting, the caterpillar merely stared blankly out into space. But whether it likes it or not, this larva is going to be a star. Already, a movie, an action figure line, board game, video game, and other merchandise are being planned to coincide with when the new 'Dead Caterpillar' flavor of ice-cream comes out. Not only that, but Steven Spielberg has been asked to direct a film about how the caterpillar found true love in the orchard, but died of overeating soon afterward. However, the farmer has stated that, as he is the one providing the caterpillar with lodging, he will get 1/2 of the profits from any #1 movie, hit TV series, or bestselling book derived from the rapidly unfolding drama of the caterpillar's life (or lack thereof).

When asked again how he felt about the publicity, the caterpillar continued to stare blankly into space.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Well, I do truly believe that I have learned my lesson about attacking other satire mascots. We should co-operate, so as to usher in a new era of misinformation! I can assure you that I will not be violently assaulting people who I believe have insulted me anymore! Why, in my vendetta at Zweibel, I completely forgot that I had jury duty this week! Fortunately, Mr. Kane was able to masquerade as me (I really must remember to raise his pay!) but the results might have been catastrophic! After that ordeal, I deemed it necessary to relax, and ended up playing a most delightful game of Whist with some of the other well-to-do patrons of our fair city! (By the way, if anyone sees Mr. Ezekiel F. Watley, please offer him my congratulations for playing so well.)

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Yes! Zweibel is in my sights. Offender, prepare to........ WHAT?! My -------- engine ran out of --------- fuel! ---- it! Really wish I'd thought to bring a space suit, but I sort of was reckoning on hitting Zweibel with my rocket ship. Dang it. I'm 10 feet away from him, and I can't move. Might as well use my escape pod to get back to Earth. I'd use that to hit him, but it doesn't have a supersonic rocket engine. Well, I guess there's a lesson to be learned from all this: when pursuing a bloodthirsty vendetta against someone, always bring extra rocket fuel.

Friday, November 12, 2010

President Warns America of Munchkin Army Threat

America has stood the test of time through wars, the Great Depression, and Communists. But, the President warns, none of these may be as great a threat as the Munchkin Army.

Said President Barack Obama, "These 'Munchkins' conceal a greater threat than the Communists. Beneath their adorable exterior lies an evil mind plotting world domination. There are millions of Munchkins, and more are being born each day. When they decide to strike, America must ask whether it is ready, and must answer with a resonant 'yes!'"

"The Munchkin, a stage of adolescence when someone realizes that they are not the center of the universe, but before they lose their cuteness, is a dangerous stage," explained one leading psychologist who refused to be named. "Naturally, they are angry at the world, and that, combined with their irresistible cuteness, makes them a force to be reckoned with. I shudder to think what would happen if someone organized them and put their supernatural powers to good use."

This threat was first assessed Monday morning, when an elite squad of Munchkins broke into the Pentagon. They very nearly managed to steal the top-secret plans for an Anti-Munchkin Laser before they were captured and sentenced to 20 minutes on time-out. The Munchkins were very well-organized, and equipped with acid-squirting milk-bottles and grenade rattles.

Police are questioning who funded the project. Said one officer, "Even at the point where Munchkins know what's going on, they still aren't organized enough to attempt a break-in at the Pentagon. Most Munchkins would just toddle in when a guard came out, but these dropped in from a helicopter. How'd they even learn how to fly the thing?"

Many people are asking the same thing. "Munchkins are cute, but they don't have this kind of training", said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. "I can assure you, we'll be looking into who funded and trained these Munchkins. If they could break into the Pentagon, they could declare war, and the fact that they attempted to destroy our plans for the Anti-Munchkin Laser is telling. If they do declare war on the rest of the world, America, at least, will be ready."

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Ugh. I have been flying towards the Andromeda Galaxy for one whole day now at sub-light speed. I have been amusing myself by chucking pebbles out into the void. Really wish that this thing would go faster. Maybe if I kick it.......... Wow. Didn't think that would really work. Ahhhhhhhhh....... now it's going at a much better speed. Why, look at that! I've gone all the way to the Andromeda Galaxy! And there is Zweibel! Muhahahahahahaaa...Hahahahahahaaaaaa....... BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

How very annoying. After interrogating all of Zweibel's household, I discovered that he apparently was rocketed off into the Andromeda Galaxy at the dawn of the new millennium. Dang it. Apparently he also left The Onion in the hands of Bernard Baruch and Aunt Jemima. Idiot. Everyone knows Quaker Oats mascots can't be trusted. Still, if it's off to the Andromeda Galaxy, then to the Andromeda Galaxy I will go. Did Zweibel really think that shooting off into space would save him? The gift of prophecy endowed by a bottle of 1923 Auld Ferrins will not save him! Nothing will! Ready my private rocket, Mr. Kane: Propaganda Central is going interstellar!

Stepmothers Sue Brothers Grimm

Wednesday morning it was announced that Mrs. Katrina Roke is sueing the Brothers Grimm. Said the Indiana housewife, "I was reading The Brothers Grimm to my two stepchildren, and when I read Cinderella and explained about the wicked stepmother, one of them said, 'Like you?' Naturally, I was heartbroken. I said no, but one of them persisted, 'But you are our stepmother!' she said. Well, what was I supposed to do? So I'm suing these awful brothers to show them the error of their ways."

Mrs. Roke has hired one of the best lawyers in the country, but they are hindered by the fact that no judge will schedule a trial.

"It's those awful brothers again, isn't it!?" said Mrs. Roke. "I'll bet they bribed him, just so that they wouldn't be taken to court!" Even after the judge explained that the Brothers Grimm are dead by now, and have been for several hundred years, Mrs. Roke persisted. "Well, that's just what they want you to think, but they aren't fooling me!" said Mrs. Roke. "I'll find them, and make them sorry they were ever so degrading to stepmothers."

This statement was greeted with a look of shock from everyone in the room. The judge personally stood perfectly still, his jaw slightly open. Whether or not there will be an inquiry as to who the Brothers' closest living descendant is, and whether or not Mrs. Roke is going to be confined to a mental hospital, remains to be see.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

So, I am evaded once again, but I think I now have the means to track down this insulting offender. The onion-fields of our great republic yield nothing, but I have discovered that Zweibel was the editor-in-chief for another propaganda newsletter: The Onion. How, may you ask, can I get to a man surrounded by personnel 24/7? Or will I even continue this vendetta after learning that the g-mail was a joke? To this I say that an insult is an insult, no matter the context. But for the former question, I have learned that Mr. Zweibel no longer works as editor-in-chief at that place. He was forced to retire to his 627-bedroom mansion in 1958. Now, Zweibel, I will find you and make you pay!

Monday, November 8, 2010

How very strange. Just this morning, as I was checking my bank account, (currently $30 billion dollars) I received a spam letter from a T. Herman Zweibel proclaiming me to be a nitwit dunderhead with no common sense whatsoever. But this insult will not go unpunished! I have but one lead on Mr. Zweibel: the word "Onion". I swear that I will burn every onion field in the country if that is what it takes to get my revenge on this offender! I will drive the wretched species to extinction if that is what it takes! I swear, Zweibel, that I will not rest until you are caught punished, and jailed! Hear me out, Zweibel, I'm coming for you!

Completely Random Sequence of Events Happens

Today, the King of Arizona has declared war on the race of magical pixie-frogs, the world's first dog-eat-dog fight has begun on television, an anonymous person's iPad has shorted out, Jimmy's pet worm has escaped, Martians have discovered how to make a double-whopper with cheese, an ant has been stepped on, a book has been published, Bobby has made some new friends, Mrs. Rewe taught her students Calculus, the answer to today's crossword is "Mesopotamia", Yet another variation of Pac-Man was released, the Canadian police has captured a criminal, John has read a good book, someone has had to take French lessons, the birthday party candles didn't blow out completely, a German diner has served Shwarzwalder Kirshtorte for a limited time only, the bathtub water is a little too hot, Martha's mood ring is green right now, the Premier Neo-Destructionist General of Zimbabwe has decided to have pancakes with his breakfast, the Prime Minister's hedge clippers have attacked the President of the United States, and S.D. Tirase has run out of good ideas for his articles.*

*Normal articles will resume after Mr. Tirase comes up with a halfway-decent idea for one.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Good. My psychologist has finally helped me recover from the shock of learning that little Joseph will be staying with me for another 6 months. I had a stroke when I first heard the news. Still, at least this will let me get used to_ Hi everybody I am Joseph and I will be staying at my grumpy grampa's house for 6 months yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay he has a big TV and he got me Wii Play to make me be quiet for 5 minutes I like the flying saucer game do you like the flying saucer game I like the flying saucer game and I have a lot of toys I'm going to like it here a lot yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!! (gasp, gasp) Sorry about that. I really need to get a better lock for my study door.

Friday, November 5, 2010

I give up. Little Joseph has utterly defeated me. With his parents in California on a press conference, I am forced to look after him myself. No Joseph, that doesn't go in your mouth! And I also have to deal with this little child 24/7! AA! AAAAAAAA!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

So Chan Caught Driving While Drunk, Made to Pay Fine

So Chan, the self-styled "Drunken Master", was caught driving while intoxicated and made to pay a 300.00 fine. He is currently in custody, awaiting trial.

Said Chan, "I am innocent. The only reason I was driving while drunk was because I was dueling the deadly Yin Yang assassin. After striking and stunning him, I jumped into my car and fled, knowing that his full power is unstoppable."

After explaining that he can only use his full potential when he is drunk, Master So once again pleaded innocent. It remains to be seen whether the judge will pardon him for his intoxication. However, the outlook remains grim. Said the judge, "While I can respect Master Chan's determination to live, I cannot respect the fact that he endangered other lives when he drove while drunken. Is one life so difficult when other lives hang in the balance?"

The Yin Yang assassin is currently being interviewed by reporters. Although there appeared some complications, such as the assassin killing the first, second, and third news crews, finally a reporter has managed to ask him a question while sustaining only mildly life-threatening injuries. "We are confident that the assassin will soon be interviewed in full. The reporter's first asked question, 'Will you please not kill me?' and the Yin Yang assassins answer, 'No,' will be a bold step forward," said the judge. "Soon, both sides of the story will be revealed, and we can finally come to the correct conclusion and find out who is really in the wrong."

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Hurry up with your breakfast, little Joseph! I have to go in 30 minutes! Oh, sorry. I have to babysit little Joseph while his parents go to see a movie, and I have to leave for a conference in half an hour! Little Joseph, if you don't get ready soon, I am going to drag you out of your chair and strap you into my limousine, finished breakfast or no finished breakfast! Oh good, he's.........bringing the remainder of his breakfast, as well as a half dozen other cereal boxes and a plate of scrambled eggs and greasy bacon.........in..........to...........the car!? No, no, no! you can't bring that into my $10 million dollar limousine! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! My $7 million dollar upholstery! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Good, I remembered to publish today's article on time. I would advise you to keep reading, as I get a little more money for every minute you spend reading this. That's right! I'll drain you dry, and there's not a thing you can do about it! Every second more you read this, the more your family will sink into poverty! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Board of Kung-Fu Masters Declines to Teach New Students

The Board of Kung-Fu Masters has, this Tuesday, announced that they will not teach any new students.

Said Mr. Miyagi, "How many times in the past years has a great prodigy in kung-fu turned against his elderly master? We have had enough. We will not teach any new students." "Beggar So" So Chan agreed. "There are so many prodigies who have turned to the dark side that it is not even funny! We have decided to take direct action against the perpetrators!" Shaolin monk Han-San-Ki said that, though regrettable, the ban was necessary.

"Too many prodigies have turned to the dark side. We cannot afford any more." The American public has expressed outrage at the ban. "We want to learn kung fu, so why can't we?" asked one anonymous protester. "What's wrong with wanting to know how to defend ourselves?"

To combat this, the Board has decided to assign every person their own private ninja bodyguard. "It should work, I'm pretty sure it'll work," said Jackie Chan. "Of course, there aren't actually that many ninja out there in the first place, and I suppose we'll have to train new people to become ninjas, which would break the ban, which would mean people wouldn't need ninja bodyguards........Oh well. It sounded a lot better in the drawing room." Rumors that Obi-Wan Kenobi's ghost had a part in enacting and formulating the ban have not yet been confirmed.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Excellent, Excellent,........ Yet more money has come into my possession. Did that puny lawyer defending that puny rival of mine really think that he stood a chance against me? I could act as witness, defender, prosecutor, accuser, and accused, with all of my many enemies being the entire jury and judge, and I would still win! That foolish businessman tried to get his way into one of the many industries which I control, and he paid the price! $5 billion dollars will be a nice addition to my already colossal mound of wealth! Yet another life ruined, yet another fortune poured into mine..... I love myself.
Idiot. Idiot! Idiot! I almost completely forgot that yesterday was my scheduled day to post an article. Fortunately, I remembered just in time. To thank me for having such a prodigious memory, you can donate $100 to the Propaganda Central newsletter so that we may purchase necessities such as ground pearls for paper and 24-karat melted gold for the ink. it would also be a tremendous help if you would donate your firstborn sons to my establishment, as we need more reporters to get the news first on places the government has classified as "unsafe". This might also be a good time to mention that we have formed an alliance with the IRS, so reading this newsletter will cost you your average annual income for the next 5 years, plus the money that is already due. Now pay up!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Apple "Gets Back to Its Roots", Recalls iPad and Replaces it With Shoe Box Sized Antique

Apple has recently announced that it has recalled the iPad and replaced it with a shoe box sized antique in a way to "Get back to its roots". The iAntique features no buttons, and the only way to contact someone is to reconfigure the primitive circuitry within. The back of the phone has been made removable to give customers maximum satisfaction. For safety reasons, as "electricity can kill anyone who is not careful with it" Apple has attached the panel with unbreakable glue. Also for safety reasons, and "to protect the primitive and delicate circuitry within", Apple has made the phone indestructible. For instructions on how to reconfigure the wires, you can go on to Apple.com. For security reasons, you cannot see the instructions until you enter a unique password that the iAntique will tell you upon completing your first call. The "final touch" is a 3-foot cord which must be plugged into a wall for the phone to work.

The phone sells at a minimum of $2900. Patrons have expressed shock and anger at this new development.

"We traded a touch-sensitive miniature computer for this ?!" said Texas resident John Suhlbaker. "Even with my old Iridium satellite phone, I didn't get as bad reception as this! You have to be within 5 feet of the recipient, and they have to have a phone too! Talking doesn't cost me $2900, so why should this!?" Mary Redmont, of Massachusetts Bay, agreed. "I'm into antiquing. I would be willing to pay $500 dollars for an antique phone. But they have completely ruined this with all these safety features. It won't work as a phone, and no one will pay for it as an antique. All it does is take up space!"

The phone is believed not to incorporate any electronics at all and is merely a block of lead. While the line of legal customers is decreasing, the iAntique has had a number of gangsters buying it to use it for making their enemies "sleep with the fishes". "Pistol-Whip" Mallone, one of the customers and a New York gangster, says he is very pleased with his purchase and will likely come back for more. Said Mallone, "Those coppers, they might have the guns and SWAT teams, but we, and only we, are the ones who can take advantage of this incredible offer".

-------- it! My idiot neighbor left his Halloween decorations up! When I was taking a relaxing stroll along the sidewalk, suddenly a robotic zombie hand grabbed me, causing me to drop my $2 million dollar walking stick! I am suing him for $5 million in damage charges, $3 million in unsightly and extreme decorations, and $8 million in causing me to perform actions quite unfit for a man of my stature, such as jumping a full 3 inches off the ground. I will drive him to the ground, I will ruin him! He will never again see the light of day! And don't even get me started on the person across the street's 'Halo-ween' decorations! A person in battle armor sprang up when I was driving in my $10 million dollar custom limousine plated in platinum and gold by their house and started shooting at me!
Too......full......of......candy......to......move. I had a splendid haul this year. Almost 5 pounds! Little Joseph is safely back at his parents' house, and I think that I will take a well-deserved nap. Time to shut the curtains and turn off the lights so as not to disturb me. That means you!