Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Warning! By Reading This Article, You Are Legally Bound
And Must Obey The Terms Listed
_By Reading This Article, I, ______, Being of Sound Mind and Sound Body, Agree To All The Terms Listed Herewith. I Accept That Any Deviation Is Grounds For Up To A 50,000 Fine and That If Such A Fine Is Incurred, I Promise To Legally Pay It Off Within A Period Of 31 Days. I Am Not Eligible For Legal Counsel In This Case, As I Have Read And Agreed To The Statements Listed Within.
I Hereby Do Accept The Terms Of This Contract,
Firm Of Tirase, Tirase, and Mentin
_I Agree That, By Reading This Contract, I Draft Myself Into Propaganda Central Staff For A Period Of 5-50 Years**.
_I Agree To Donate Any Funds Secured By Myself, (i.e. My Job, Or Any Other Context Involving The Securing Of Money) To Propaganda Central, In Exchange For Lodging.
_I Agree That, If I Cannot Perform Any Of The Prior Tasks, I Put Myself In Penal Servitude To Propaganda Central For A Minimum Of 10 Years***.
_I Agree That If I Break This Contract, I Will Be Fined A Minimum*** Of 50,000 Dollars And/Or A Minimum Of 20 Years In Jail.
_I Agree To Serve Mr. Tirase Faithfully For The Duration Of My Years****. All Hail Mr. Tirase, Our Bearded Saviour. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail.......
_I Agree That I Am Not Entitled To Legal Counsel If The Contractor Behaves Unfairly, As I Have Agreed with This Contract And Its Terms, No Matter How Unfair They May Be*****.
_I Hereby Agree To Join Joseph's Munchkin Army When He Begins To Enlist Officers For His Plan To Steal America's Gold Reserves******.
_I Hereby Agree To Give Mr. Tirase's Grandson Joseph Access To All Of My Most Prized Toys, Games, And Movies*******.
Your Bailout Fee: $200,000,000 or £150,000,000
*This Contract Should Not Be Taken Seriously, Unless you Have Read It.
**By 5-50, The Contract Means, '5-550'.
***Maximum Of 5,000,000, (Dollars, Years, etc. etc.)
****"Unfair" Meaning "Taking Both Home, Money, Life, and Soul."
*******I Wonder How Joseph Managed To Get To My Typewriter. I Really Must Move It.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Up until now, it was just a cryptic adage showing the value of hard work: no longer. Scientists at Johns Hopkins University have taken this saying to heart, producing what is being flaunted as the perfect brain: an organic capsule with 1% of the total brain space being occupied by part of the cerebrum, and with 99% percent being occupied by human sweat.
Said one scientist, "We are very pleased with the result. We were just thinking one day, 'What wastes the most space in an average human brain?' And then the answer hit us: the brain itself!"
Indeed, the brain, dubbed the EdisonBrain, uses the sweat for nutrients for the small amount of actual brain, theoretically allowing it to move up to twice as fast as an average brain.
However, difficulties were to be encountered. "The problem is, sweat will poison the brain if directly exposed to it.", said another of the scientists who worked on the project. "So, we have put a small vacuum chamber around the brain, so that only actual nutrients will reach the brain."
When this reporter inquired whether or not the brain would be crushed in the chamber, the scientist gave him a condescending pat on the head and a cookie.
The scientists responded to other scientists' questioning as to how the brain will survive when there is just salt left the same way. "Pooh-pooh," said Mr. P.R. Spire, the scientist who directed the project. "They just don't understand the complexities of the human brain the way we do. I'm sure everything will become clear in a month or so."
"Oh, every thing's becoming clear all right," said physicist Stephen Hawking. "Very clear."
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Step 1: Catch a turkey between 15-20 pounds. Use a bow and arrow.
Step 2: Pluck the turkey.
Step 3: Cut off the turkey's head and remove its organs (use a small dagger).
Step 4: Prepare a fire and make a spit over it.
Step 5: Put the turkey on the spit.
Step 6: Wait for 4 hours.
Step 7: Bring the half-raw carcass to the table.
Step 8: Dig in!
If you have done this correctly, the turkey will have a half-raw, rather slimy texture to it. Use only a small dagger to eat. when you reach bones, crack them open– marrow is a good source of fat! Happy Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
It is both a great day for historians and a great day for linguists as the letters which explained Shakespeare's Lost Years have been discovered and censored.
According to the letters, Shakespeare worked at a small theater after moving to London, but was fired for 'unnecessarily complicating' his plays with things like intermission, 'soda water' stands, and half-time bear baiting. This prompted Shakespeare to write a series of letters unsuitable for anyone under the age of 21 to read.
The mildest letter, written at the beginning, reads "Yov little wastrel, yov are pigeon-livered and lacking gall. Yovr tongue ovtvenoms all the wyrms of the Nile. Yov are knotty-pated like a hunch back'd toad, yov plague-sore. Yov are proof that ovr Lord made several mistakes before arriving on ovr perfect forms."
However, other, later letters contain more language. One example is the final letter, possibly the worst of them all. It reads, "Ha ha ha! My plays are on the fvll stage, not like yovr dilapidated little (censored). I'll become the greatest playwright in history, while yov rot in a cell, yov little (censored) (censored) of (censored). I'll see to it yov die in poverty, before I (censored) censored). Yov're doomed, yov little (censored). Yov disgusting little (censored). Not to mention yov (censored) when you (censored). Take that, yov filth! Take that, yov pigeon-livered toad! Take that, yov_" At this point, the letter becomes a mere list of swear-words and obscene language.
Despite this, however, historians are praising these letters. "It's amazing! It's spectacular! It's stupendous!" said one researcher of Shakespeare's life. "I can't believe that we've discovered Shakespeare's Lost Years now, after all these years." Linguists and parents, too, are praising the letters because of the fact that they contain every known swear-word in the English language, as well as some 250 ones unknown to anyone except the Bard himself. Said Mrs. Catherine of 365 West Street, Wyoming, "I wasn't even aware that 'tuck' was a swear word. I'll have to punish Jimmy when he asks to be tucked in tonight."
Monday, November 22, 2010
In a test that shocked nobody, it was discovered that envelope glue is poisonous. This well-known fact was only scientifically confirmed Thursday, when a group of scientists discovered what the rest of America already knew.
In a 30-day survey, 2 groups of people each licked 3 envelopes shut each hour. Group 1 licked standard postal glue. Group 2 licked an identical compound of baboon mucus, toad enzymes, and hippopotamus saliva. After 15 days, where group 1 became severely diseased and group 2 remained the same, they switched. Both groups agreed that both glues tasted the same, with the possible exception of glue 2 tasting better. At the end of another 15 days, group 2 became sick, while group one became mostly better. The results of the test were released Thursday, to no one's surprise at all.
"Oh, that stuff's poisonous?' stated Connecticut resident Thomas Smith. "Huh. Fancy that. Better go remind my kids about that. Thanks for the reminder."
The Postal companies are abuzz about the recent publicity of their already widely known poison."Geez, why's this such a big deal?" asked one postal employee, who preferred not to be named. "We already knew that, the Surgeon General already okayed it because no one in their right minds would lick the stuff, so why's everyone so shocked by it?"
However, some people dislike the postal glue and have been lobbying against the poison for years now. "That you have to lick this stuff to seal an envelope just makes me shudder," proclaimed California citizen Mary Hy Gene. "When we were little, we'd use all sorts of tricks so that we wouldn't have to lick it: getting our siblings to stick their tongues out and swiping it across them, swabbing it with a towel, etc., etc. Now, of course, we've recognized it for what is is, and I'll never touch the stuff again. Never."
The postal service has stated that it will resume production of the envelope glue until the Surgeon General himself disapproves it. Said another worker, "This one test is nothing to hang your hat on. Everyone already knew that, so it shouldn't change a thing. Who licks that stuff, anyway?" The Surgeon General could not be reached for comment.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1" Removed From D-BOX Theaters From D-BOX Theaters, As Mortality Rate Rises
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 is a film long awaited by aspiring fans. However, in the wake of the numerous casualties suffered by the participants of the D-BOX motion code, a strategic decision has been taken to pull the movie out of participating theaters.
"This isn't us being vindictive, it's us being safe," said one harassed spokesman, when questioned by reporters. "Over 30 people were dead already, we had to pull the movie out before the Department of Homeland Security did it for us."
D-BOX motion code, a new technology, was first used in the 2009 movie Fast & Furious, and is a Canadian company which puts motion simulators in certain theaters. Apparently, the technology used in the Deathly Hallows was designed to be a technological breakthrough. Said another technological designer, who asked to remain anonymous, "It was all going along great. Our new 'IMAX simulator' technology projected all the visual effects onto the ground, walls, and ceiling of the theater. But I think we got a little carried away with the Avada Kedavra."
The new technology was designed so that the audience could experience the "feel" of the movie, with attachments to the seats that allowed the audience to experience everything from cool night air to grass under their feet. However, the motion code also apparently let the audience experience the full sensation of the Avada Kedavra Killing Curse.
Said one theater employee, " I was just supervising the movie, so I was a little unprepared when bolts of green light that killed anything they hit started ricocheting across the room." At least 16 people were killed in the first big battle scene, the Battle over Little Whinging. The rest were hit by Imperius Curses that went awry, making them remain in their seats until the movie was over. At least 30 people were killed over the course of the movie before the police were called in to shoot Lord Voldemort into pieces, thus ending the catastrophic movie.
"They what?!" said one enthusiastic fan dressed as Harry Potter. "That's great! Yessssssssssssss! Voldemort got shot?! Oh man oh man! I so wish I was there!" When the reporter inquired politely about what the fan thought about the deaths of over 30 people, he replied,"Oh yeah. Those guys. Still.... they got the coolest deaths ever!!! C'mon! Getting shot by Voldemort?! Oh man oh man oh man!!!!!!!!!!! I so wish I was there!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
In a move yesterday that shocked producers and humiliated movie critics, it was announced that the new "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" movie, released early, was not in fact the real one.
"Say what?" said most excited moviegoers upon hearing the news.
"I don't know what did it," said Mr. John McCoy, who gave the police a tip-off which eventually led to the capture of the fake "Warner Bros. Studios". Said Mr. McCoy, "Like I said, I don't know what tipped me off when I was seeing the movie that this wasn't the real one. Maybe it was the fact that Voldemort was a guy in black jeans and a black t-shirt with white face-paint on. Maybe it was the fact that Hogwarts was a painted shoe-box. Whatever it was, something just said in my mind, 'this isn't the real one'. So naturally I ran off to tell the police."
Fake Warner Bros. were arrested on a charge of fraud, and the actual Studio received $1 billion dollars, plus all of the profits earned by their impersonator. Police are still investigating the magnitude of the scam, which would still cost millions in getting the movies in the theaters, even if the movie itself cost absolutely nothing.
Said one investigator, "We're still trying to figure out who funded the project. The fake Warner Bros. Studios had all of their bank accounts checked, credit cards' money limit tested, even had their houses checked for physical cash. No luck. We've mainly come to a conclusion that there are only two possibilities left. One, that this project was funded by an outside force with a lot of money at their disposal. This would explain the magnitude of the project, but that also means that the possibility of actually catching him is close to nil. The more favored conclusion is that this studio merely 'piggybacked' on the set theaters in which the actual movie was going to be released, so they just bumped the date up."
Criminal psychologist Dr. F. Roy Dean Shllippe stated at a press conference yesterday, "It was actually a very clever scam. Some people were very annoyed at the fact that the "Deathly Hallows" movie was going to be released in two parts, and so, when this 'movie' came out, the public didn't even stop to think how awfully convenient this was. Although the scam itself mostly gave itself away the minute the movie appeared on-screen, the planning was masterfully done. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give this a seven."
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
For the past 3 days, America has been kept in shocking suspense. In an Illinois orchard, a large plump caterpillar has done absolutely nothing for the past 72 hours.
Press reporters from all the major newspapers have been issued, as well as live coverage from CNN. Our own Propaganda Central reporter was crushed under a wave of photographers, forcing Mr. Tirase to dispatch a new one. However, his efforts were in vain, as the caterpillar refused to comment.
The large larva, identified as a Monarch Butterfly in the larval stage, has stood in a perfectly still position since Saturday, when it was first discovered. "I don't get it," said the farmer in charge of the orchard, Frank Helmsmith. "It's a caterpillar, that's all it does: it stands still. I'm not even sure if it's alive or not."
But people's opinions differ. Said one reporter, "I can just see it now. We're going to make a hit reality show entitled 'Caterpillar: Dead or Alive'! I tell you, we'll make this larva into a star, no matter whether it's alive or not! It'll be the greatest media presentation since the O.J. Simpson Trial!"
When asked whether it objected to the publicity it was getting, the caterpillar merely stared blankly out into space. But whether it likes it or not, this larva is going to be a star. Already, a movie, an action figure line, board game, video game, and other merchandise are being planned to coincide with when the new 'Dead Caterpillar' flavor of ice-cream comes out. Not only that, but Steven Spielberg has been asked to direct a film about how the caterpillar found true love in the orchard, but died of overeating soon afterward. However, the farmer has stated that, as he is the one providing the caterpillar with lodging, he will get 1/2 of the profits from any #1 movie, hit TV series, or bestselling book derived from the rapidly unfolding drama of the caterpillar's life (or lack thereof).
When asked again how he felt about the publicity, the caterpillar continued to stare blankly into space.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
America has stood the test of time through wars, the Great Depression, and Communists. But, the President warns, none of these may be as great a threat as the Munchkin Army.
Said President Barack Obama, "These 'Munchkins' conceal a greater threat than the Communists. Beneath their adorable exterior lies an evil mind plotting world domination. There are millions of Munchkins, and more are being born each day. When they decide to strike, America must ask whether it is ready, and must answer with a resonant 'yes!'"
"The Munchkin, a stage of adolescence when someone realizes that they are not the center of the universe, but before they lose their cuteness, is a dangerous stage," explained one leading psychologist who refused to be named. "Naturally, they are angry at the world, and that, combined with their irresistible cuteness, makes them a force to be reckoned with. I shudder to think what would happen if someone organized them and put their supernatural powers to good use."
This threat was first assessed Monday morning, when an elite squad of Munchkins broke into the Pentagon. They very nearly managed to steal the top-secret plans for an Anti-Munchkin Laser before they were captured and sentenced to 20 minutes on time-out. The Munchkins were very well-organized, and equipped with acid-squirting milk-bottles and grenade rattles.
Police are questioning who funded the project. Said one officer, "Even at the point where Munchkins know what's going on, they still aren't organized enough to attempt a break-in at the Pentagon. Most Munchkins would just toddle in when a guard came out, but these dropped in from a helicopter. How'd they even learn how to fly the thing?"
Many people are asking the same thing. "Munchkins are cute, but they don't have this kind of training", said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. "I can assure you, we'll be looking into who funded and trained these Munchkins. If they could break into the Pentagon, they could declare war, and the fact that they attempted to destroy our plans for the Anti-Munchkin Laser is telling. If they do declare war on the rest of the world, America, at least, will be ready."
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Wednesday morning it was announced that Mrs. Katrina Roke is sueing the Brothers Grimm. Said the Indiana housewife, "I was reading The Brothers Grimm to my two stepchildren, and when I read Cinderella and explained about the wicked stepmother, one of them said, 'Like you?' Naturally, I was heartbroken. I said no, but one of them persisted, 'But you are our stepmother!' she said. Well, what was I supposed to do? So I'm suing these awful brothers to show them the error of their ways."
Mrs. Roke has hired one of the best lawyers in the country, but they are hindered by the fact that no judge will schedule a trial.
"It's those awful brothers again, isn't it!?" said Mrs. Roke. "I'll bet they bribed him, just so that they wouldn't be taken to court!" Even after the judge explained that the Brothers Grimm are dead by now, and have been for several hundred years, Mrs. Roke persisted. "Well, that's just what they want you to think, but they aren't fooling me!" said Mrs. Roke. "I'll find them, and make them sorry they were ever so degrading to stepmothers."
This statement was greeted with a look of shock from everyone in the room. The judge personally stood perfectly still, his jaw slightly open. Whether or not there will be an inquiry as to who the Brothers' closest living descendant is, and whether or not Mrs. Roke is going to be confined to a mental hospital, remains to be see.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Today, the King of Arizona has declared war on the race of magical pixie-frogs, the world's first dog-eat-dog fight has begun on television, an anonymous person's iPad has shorted out, Jimmy's pet worm has escaped, Martians have discovered how to make a double-whopper with cheese, an ant has been stepped on, a book has been published, Bobby has made some new friends, Mrs. Rewe taught her students Calculus, the answer to today's crossword is "Mesopotamia", Yet another variation of Pac-Man was released, the Canadian police has captured a criminal, John has read a good book, someone has had to take French lessons, the birthday party candles didn't blow out completely, a German diner has served Shwarzwalder Kirshtorte for a limited time only, the bathtub water is a little too hot, Martha's mood ring is green right now, the Premier Neo-Destructionist General of Zimbabwe has decided to have pancakes with his breakfast, the Prime Minister's hedge clippers have attacked the President of the United States, and S.D. Tirase has run out of good ideas for his articles.*
*Normal articles will resume after Mr. Tirase comes up with a halfway-decent idea for one.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
So Chan, the self-styled "Drunken Master", was caught driving while intoxicated and made to pay a 300.00 fine. He is currently in custody, awaiting trial.
Said Chan, "I am innocent. The only reason I was driving while drunk was because I was dueling the deadly Yin Yang assassin. After striking and stunning him, I jumped into my car and fled, knowing that his full power is unstoppable."
After explaining that he can only use his full potential when he is drunk, Master So once again pleaded innocent. It remains to be seen whether the judge will pardon him for his intoxication. However, the outlook remains grim. Said the judge, "While I can respect Master Chan's determination to live, I cannot respect the fact that he endangered other lives when he drove while drunken. Is one life so difficult when other lives hang in the balance?"
The Yin Yang assassin is currently being interviewed by reporters. Although there appeared some complications, such as the assassin killing the first, second, and third news crews, finally a reporter has managed to ask him a question while sustaining only mildly life-threatening injuries. "We are confident that the assassin will soon be interviewed in full. The reporter's first asked question, 'Will you please not kill me?' and the Yin Yang assassins answer, 'No,' will be a bold step forward," said the judge. "Soon, both sides of the story will be revealed, and we can finally come to the correct conclusion and find out who is really in the wrong."
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The Board of Kung-Fu Masters has, this Tuesday, announced that they will not teach any new students.
Said Mr. Miyagi, "How many times in the past years has a great prodigy in kung-fu turned against his elderly master? We have had enough. We will not teach any new students." "Beggar So" So Chan agreed. "There are so many prodigies who have turned to the dark side that it is not even funny! We have decided to take direct action against the perpetrators!" Shaolin monk Han-San-Ki said that, though regrettable, the ban was necessary.
"Too many prodigies have turned to the dark side. We cannot afford any more." The American public has expressed outrage at the ban. "We want to learn kung fu, so why can't we?" asked one anonymous protester. "What's wrong with wanting to know how to defend ourselves?"
To combat this, the Board has decided to assign every person their own private ninja bodyguard. "It should work, I'm pretty sure it'll work," said Jackie Chan. "Of course, there aren't actually that many ninja out there in the first place, and I suppose we'll have to train new people to become ninjas, which would break the ban, which would mean people wouldn't need ninja bodyguards........Oh well. It sounded a lot better in the drawing room." Rumors that Obi-Wan Kenobi's ghost had a part in enacting and formulating the ban have not yet been confirmed.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Apple has recently announced that it has recalled the iPad and replaced it with a shoe box sized antique in a way to "Get back to its roots". The iAntique features no buttons, and the only way to contact someone is to reconfigure the primitive circuitry within. The back of the phone has been made removable to give customers maximum satisfaction. For safety reasons, as "electricity can kill anyone who is not careful with it" Apple has attached the panel with unbreakable glue. Also for safety reasons, and "to protect the primitive and delicate circuitry within", Apple has made the phone indestructible. For instructions on how to reconfigure the wires, you can go on to Apple.com. For security reasons, you cannot see the instructions until you enter a unique password that the iAntique will tell you upon completing your first call. The "final touch" is a 3-foot cord which must be plugged into a wall for the phone to work.
The phone sells at a minimum of $2900. Patrons have expressed shock and anger at this new development.
"We traded a touch-sensitive miniature computer for this ?!" said Texas resident John Suhlbaker. "Even with my old Iridium satellite phone, I didn't get as bad reception as this! You have to be within 5 feet of the recipient, and they have to have a phone too! Talking doesn't cost me $2900, so why should this!?" Mary Redmont, of Massachusetts Bay, agreed. "I'm into antiquing. I would be willing to pay $500 dollars for an antique phone. But they have completely ruined this with all these safety features. It won't work as a phone, and no one will pay for it as an antique. All it does is take up space!"
The phone is believed not to incorporate any electronics at all and is merely a block of lead. While the line of legal customers is decreasing, the iAntique has had a number of gangsters buying it to use it for making their enemies "sleep with the fishes". "Pistol-Whip" Mallone, one of the customers and a New York gangster, says he is very pleased with his purchase and will likely come back for more. Said Mallone, "Those coppers, they might have the guns and SWAT teams, but we, and only we, are the ones who can take advantage of this incredible offer".