Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The Dark Elder claimed that "There was not a single victim left, when I returned to wreak total destruction and destroy a thousand souls!"
The company refused to schedule a conference, to Cthulhu's great displeasure. "Why haven't they scheduled a hearing? Are they afraid of me!?" The mile-high Dark Elder of the Universe said, "All they have to do is cover their eyes, so they won't gaze upon my demonic visage and be frightened into insanity, cover their ears, so they won't hear my bone-chilling language, cover their noses so that they do not smell the aura of evil which permeates me, don't move, so they do not touch my scaly skin, and have an escape plan ready when my thirst for human flesh and blood overcomes me."
The horoscope company defended its horoscope, saying that "We printed this horoscope without knowing that Mr. Cthulhu would take offense at it, and if he took us to court, he would find that we are acting well within our constitutional right of free speech."
Cthulhu bitterly complained that the two suns' alignment would only last 24 hours and would not occur again for another millennia. "I have spent one thousand years preparing the other Elders for this, and now I am foiled by a newspaper prediction!?" Cthulhu shrieked, "I want payment for those thousand years, or I will lay waste to this town and all that live in it! I will ravage this town and destroy all that is there! No one will meet mercy! No one will survive!"
Said one member of the company " Not to overthink this, but don't you think Cthulhu is taking this a little too seriously?" The unnamed person was then devoured by Cthulhu's demonic minions. "I'm sure we can work something out", said Cthulhu. "Because if they do not reimburse me in full, I will kill every last one of them."
It is widely expected for these industrious new workers to hit hardware stores around December, and there are rumors that the cult is improving a device that will turn ordinary people into calm, monotone-speaking workers. John Smith was put to work immediately in an automobile factory owned by one of the society, and dropped dead after working for 10 days nonstop.
"Now, this is what I'm talking about!" said the factory owner and member of the cult. "With the old workers, it was only 'Please, sir! My foot's stuck and I'm being pulled into that giant stamping machine,sir!' With these new workers, they'll drop dead before they complain, leaving me free to press my gold coins into busts of my head."
"I concur", said Bill Gates, who is believed to be a member of the cult. "I can make these workers check every computer in the line for loose cables, and they don't make a peep! Soon my plan to eliminate anyone who has ever crossed me with killer Microsoft robots will be complete! Watch out, Linus Torvalds - I'm coming for you! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
The remaining "perfect workers" could not be reached for comment, although it is believed that they are either working calmly in the factory assembly lines, or perishing calmly in the factory stamping machines, welding torches, and giant spinning buzz-saw blades.
Said the President, "With this new Oil-Ray, you will no longer need to limit showers to 10 minutes. All of you greedy, environment destroying oil tycoons, you need no longer worry about being woken up at 1:00 am by protesters. With the help of these space aliens and their leader <>^<<>>^^<>^<<>>, Earth will be supplied with an unlimited amount of natural oil!".
When asked how he has managed to procure 20,000 tons of oil in 2 weeks, <>^<<>>^^<>^<<>> said only that "We have been at war with the Oil-People of )~)(~()~)(~( for 5 months now."
"Soon people will be swimming in oil and other natural resources! You can paint your house black with all the oil we'll be getting!", said leading environmentalist Al Gore. "Pretty soon Earth will just be a beautiful, shiny, black ball that catches fire every time an asteroid hits it!".
Citizens everywhere are rejoicing."I really hope the aliens shoot us first with their Oil-Ray", said Mary Gapperham, 43, of 190, Kansas City Drive. "Someone pinch me, I must be dreaming!", said resident John S. Watson, C.E.O. of the Chevron Corporation, one of the largest oil companies in the world.
When asked about the many other countries that aren't wasting fuel and that probably wouldn't like to be drenched in oil, Watson said "These poor, uneducated people. They don't realize that oil is the major driving force behind their oil-free economies. I know because I made it happen. But these poor people will get the oil they need, whether they like it or not."
The furious Squidward demanded a recount, taking it to the Supreme Court, and biasing Spongebob on the grounds that he wasn't even 35. However, the law firm of Krabs and Cheeks secured a victory, on the grounds that cartoons are timeless.
Spongebob's campaign was marred by scandal, when it was discovered that Spongebob had been using a robotic double for several speeches, while the real candidate went backstage and flipped Krabby Patties.
Spongebob's inauguration went as planned, except for an assassination mishap. While Spongebob was taking the oath of office, it was discovered that the Chum Bucket, a local restaurant and rival of the Krusty Krab, where Spongebob's former job was located, was on wheels and had a rocket on the bottom. If the Secret Service had not shot at and destroyed the wheels, causing the bucket-shaped restaurant to capsize, our new president would be marred by an unseemly flat body. The attempted assassinator, a small protozoa, goes by the name of Sheldon-hee-hee J. Plankton. Regrettably, this dangerous plankton escaped, and anyone with information about his whereabouts should contact law enforcement.
Apparently, Squidward burst into tears upon learning of the election results. His fellow Republican, George W. Bush, patted him on the back, saying "There, there, buddy. There's always next time."
Aronnax, famous for his adventures 20,000 leagues under the sea, documented by Jules Verne, reportedly ran upstairs when the tripod released a capsule of Black Smoke. The Martian, famous for its documentation by H.G. Wells, then used its Heat Ray to burn through the walls. Aronnax apparently jumped down when the floor was burnt through, and shattered the tripod's hood with a 2 foot tall, 55-pound cross-sectioned model of an Anemone. The Martian fell out of the broken tripod and tried to strangle Aronnax, but Earth's increased gravity pinned it to the burnt floor.
The Martian was brought to the country's top scientists for further study. When asked about whether he would continue his studies, Aronnax replied that he would continue to verify Verne's work, while simultaneously ridiculing Well's for his unrealistic tales, Professor Aronnax replied that he would, despite the attacks by an invisible man, a time traveler, and Doctor Moreau in the past month.