Cthulhu Sues Horoscope Company

The master of evil and insanity, Cthulhu, announced Wednesday that he would be suing the horoscope company for "loss of property". The master of darkness claimed that Monday's horoscope predicted his return by saying that "The master of darkness will return on the astrological alignment of Mortis 7 and Hastur 9, dooming the world to total destruction. Wear a hat."

The Dark Elder claimed that "There was not a single victim left, when I returned to wreak total destruction and destroy a thousand souls!"

The company refused to schedule a conference, to Cthulhu's great displeasure. "Why haven't they scheduled a hearing? Are they afraid of me!?" The mile-high Dark Elder of the Universe said, "All they have to do is cover their eyes, so they won't gaze upon my demonic visage and be frightened into insanity, cover their ears, so they won't hear my bone-chilling language, cover their noses so that they do not smell the aura of evil which permeates me, don't move, so they do not touch my scaly skin, and have an escape plan ready when my thirst for human flesh and blood overcomes me."

The horoscope company defended its horoscope, saying that "We printed this horoscope without knowing that Mr. Cthulhu would take offense at it, and if he took us to court, he would find that we are acting well within our constitutional right of free speech."

Cthulhu bitterly complained that the two suns' alignment would only last 24 hours and would not occur again for another millennia. "I have spent one thousand years preparing the other Elders for this, and now I am foiled by a newspaper prediction!?" Cthulhu shrieked, "I want payment for those thousand years, or I will lay waste to this town and all that live in it! I will ravage this town and destroy all that is there! No one will meet mercy! No one will survive!"

Said one member of the company " Not to overthink this, but don't you think Cthulhu is taking this a little too seriously?" The unnamed person was then devoured by Cthulhu's demonic minions. "I'm sure we can work something out", said Cthulhu. "Because if they do not reimburse me in full, I will kill every last one of them."