Said the President, "With this new Oil-Ray, you will no longer need to limit showers to 10 minutes. All of you greedy, environment destroying oil tycoons, you need no longer worry about being woken up at 1:00 am by protesters. With the help of these space aliens and their leader <>^<<>>^^<>^<<>>, Earth will be supplied with an unlimited amount of natural oil!".
When asked how he has managed to procure 20,000 tons of oil in 2 weeks, <>^<<>>^^<>^<<>> said only that "We have been at war with the Oil-People of )~)(~()~)(~( for 5 months now."
"Soon people will be swimming in oil and other natural resources! You can paint your house black with all the oil we'll be getting!", said leading environmentalist Al Gore. "Pretty soon Earth will just be a beautiful, shiny, black ball that catches fire every time an asteroid hits it!".
Citizens everywhere are rejoicing."I really hope the aliens shoot us first with their Oil-Ray", said Mary Gapperham, 43, of 190, Kansas City Drive. "Someone pinch me, I must be dreaming!", said resident John S. Watson, C.E.O. of the Chevron Corporation, one of the largest oil companies in the world.
When asked about the many other countries that aren't wasting fuel and that probably wouldn't like to be drenched in oil, Watson said "These poor, uneducated people. They don't realize that oil is the major driving force behind their oil-free economies. I know because I made it happen. But these poor people will get the oil they need, whether they like it or not."