For the past 3 days, America has been kept in shocking suspense. In an Illinois orchard, a large plump caterpillar has done absolutely nothing for the past 72 hours.
Press reporters from all the major newspapers have been issued, as well as live coverage from CNN. Our own Propaganda Central reporter was crushed under a wave of photographers, forcing Mr. Tirase to dispatch a new one. However, his efforts were in vain, as the caterpillar refused to comment.
The large larva, identified as a Monarch Butterfly in the larval stage, has stood in a perfectly still position since Saturday, when it was first discovered. "I don't get it," said the farmer in charge of the orchard, Frank Helmsmith. "It's a caterpillar, that's all it does: it stands still. I'm not even sure if it's alive or not."
But people's opinions differ. Said one reporter, "I can just see it now. We're going to make a hit reality show entitled 'Caterpillar: Dead or Alive'! I tell you, we'll make this larva into a star, no matter whether it's alive or not! It'll be the greatest media presentation since the O.J. Simpson Trial!"
When asked whether it objected to the publicity it was getting, the caterpillar merely stared blankly out into space. But whether it likes it or not, this larva is going to be a star. Already, a movie, an action figure line, board game, video game, and other merchandise are being planned to coincide with when the new 'Dead Caterpillar' flavor of ice-cream comes out. Not only that, but Steven Spielberg has been asked to direct a film about how the caterpillar found true love in the orchard, but died of overeating soon afterward. However, the farmer has stated that, as he is the one providing the caterpillar with lodging, he will get 1/2 of the profits from any #1 movie, hit TV series, or bestselling book derived from the rapidly unfolding drama of the caterpillar's life (or lack thereof).
When asked again how he felt about the publicity, the caterpillar continued to stare blankly into space.