Oh well..... I suppose that Master Tom-Tom is not as bad a threat as I first thought. Admittedly, there was that time when he deleted £500 from my Swiss bank account, but apart from that, he is an excellent pet. It turns out that, still being just a baby, he cannot reach most doorknobs, meaning that my stash of 100 year old Scotch is safe. Not only that, but he has proved to be an excellent newspaper writer, and I have made him the chief writer in that respect* (being able to use all 4 limbs, as well as the tail, in typing means that he can work 5 times as fast as the old writer). He is now a full-fledged member of our staff, and he has one more asset, probably greater than any other: nothing persuades people to make huge donations to us more than an adorable monkey sitting at the visitor's desk.

* Fine. Make all the jokes about "monkeys running this newspaper" that you want.