Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Shakespeare's Lost Years Explained, Censored

It is both a great day for historians and a great day for linguists as the letters which explained Shakespeare's Lost Years have been discovered and censored.

According to the letters, Shakespeare worked at a small theater after moving to London, but was fired for 'unnecessarily complicating' his plays with things like intermission, 'soda water' stands, and half-time bear baiting. This prompted Shakespeare to write a series of letters unsuitable for anyone under the age of 21 to read.

The mildest letter, written at the beginning, reads "Yov little wastrel, yov are pigeon-livered and lacking gall. Yovr tongue ovtvenoms all the wyrms of the Nile. Yov are knotty-pated like a hunch back'd toad, yov plague-sore. Yov are proof that ovr Lord made several mistakes before arriving on ovr perfect forms."

However, other, later letters contain more language. One example is the final letter, possibly the worst of them all. It reads, "Ha ha ha! My plays are on the fvll stage, not like yovr dilapidated little (censored). I'll become the greatest playwright in history, while yov rot in a cell, yov little (censored) (censored) of (censored). I'll see to it yov die in poverty, before I (censored) censored). Yov're doomed, yov little (censored). Yov disgusting little (censored). Not to mention yov (censored) when you (censored). Take that, yov filth! Take that, yov pigeon-livered toad! Take that, yov_" At this point, the letter becomes a mere list of swear-words and obscene language.

Despite this, however, historians are praising these letters. "It's amazing! It's spectacular! It's stupendous!" said one researcher of Shakespeare's life. "I can't believe that we've discovered Shakespeare's Lost Years now, after all these years." Linguists and parents, too, are praising the letters because of the fact that they contain every known swear-word in the English language, as well as some 250 ones unknown to anyone except the Bard himself. Said Mrs. Catherine of 365 West Street, Wyoming, "I wasn't even aware that 'tuck' was a swear word. I'll have to punish Jimmy when he asks to be tucked in tonight."

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