Envelope Glue Discovered To Be Poisonous

In a test that shocked nobody, it was discovered that envelope glue is poisonous. This well-known fact was only scientifically confirmed Thursday, when a group of scientists discovered what the rest of America already knew.

In a 30-day survey, 2 groups of people each licked 3 envelopes shut each hour. Group 1 licked standard postal glue. Group 2 licked an identical compound of baboon mucus, toad enzymes, and hippopotamus saliva. After 15 days, where group 1 became severely diseased and group 2 remained the same, they switched. Both groups agreed that both glues tasted the same, with the possible exception of glue 2 tasting better. At the end of another 15 days, group 2 became sick, while group one became mostly better. The results of the test were released Thursday, to no one's surprise at all.

"Oh, that stuff's poisonous?' stated Connecticut resident Thomas Smith. "Huh. Fancy that. Better go remind my kids about that. Thanks for the reminder."

The Postal companies are abuzz about the recent publicity of their already widely known poison."Geez, why's this such a big deal?" asked one postal employee, who preferred not to be named. "We already knew that, the Surgeon General already okayed it because no one in their right minds would lick the stuff, so why's everyone so shocked by it?"

However, some people dislike the postal glue and have been lobbying against the poison for years now. "That you have to lick this stuff to seal an envelope just makes me shudder," proclaimed California citizen Mary Hy Gene. "When we were little, we'd use all sorts of tricks so that we wouldn't have to lick it: getting our siblings to stick their tongues out and swiping it across them, swabbing it with a towel, etc., etc. Now, of course, we've recognized it for what is is, and I'll never touch the stuff again. Never."

The postal service has stated that it will resume production of the envelope glue until the Surgeon General himself disapproves it. Said another worker, "This one test is nothing to hang your hat on. Everyone already knew that, so it shouldn't change a thing. Who licks that stuff, anyway?" The Surgeon General could not be reached for comment.