Apple has recently announced that it has recalled the iPad and replaced it with a shoe box sized antique in a way to "Get back to its roots". The iAntique features no buttons, and the only way to contact someone is to reconfigure the primitive circuitry within. The back of the phone has been made removable to give customers maximum satisfaction. For safety reasons, as "electricity can kill anyone who is not careful with it" Apple has attached the panel with unbreakable glue. Also for safety reasons, and "to protect the primitive and delicate circuitry within", Apple has made the phone indestructible. For instructions on how to reconfigure the wires, you can go on to Apple.com. For security reasons, you cannot see the instructions until you enter a unique password that the iAntique will tell you upon completing your first call. The "final touch" is a 3-foot cord which must be plugged into a wall for the phone to work.
The phone sells at a minimum of $2900. Patrons have expressed shock and anger at this new development.
"We traded a touch-sensitive miniature computer for this ?!" said Texas resident John Suhlbaker. "Even with my old Iridium satellite phone, I didn't get as bad reception as this! You have to be within 5 feet of the recipient, and they have to have a phone too! Talking doesn't cost me $2900, so why should this!?" Mary Redmont, of Massachusetts Bay, agreed. "I'm into antiquing. I would be willing to pay $500 dollars for an antique phone. But they have completely ruined this with all these safety features. It won't work as a phone, and no one will pay for it as an antique. All it does is take up space!"
The phone is believed not to incorporate any electronics at all and is merely a block of lead. While the line of legal customers is decreasing, the iAntique has had a number of gangsters buying it to use it for making their enemies "sleep with the fishes". "Pistol-Whip" Mallone, one of the customers and a New York gangster, says he is very pleased with his purchase and will likely come back for more. Said Mallone, "Those coppers, they might have the guns and SWAT teams, but we, and only we, are the ones who can take advantage of this incredible offer".