Friday, November 19, 2010

"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1" Removed From D-BOX Theaters From D-BOX Theaters, As Mortality Rate Rises

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 is a film long awaited by aspiring fans. However, in the wake of the numerous casualties suffered by the participants of the D-BOX motion code, a strategic decision has been taken to pull the movie out of participating theaters.

"This isn't us being vindictive, it's us being safe," said one harassed spokesman, when questioned by reporters. "Over 30 people were dead already, we had to pull the movie out before the Department of Homeland Security did it for us."

D-BOX motion code, a new technology, was first used in the 2009 movie Fast & Furious, and is a Canadian company which puts motion simulators in certain theaters. Apparently, the technology used in the Deathly Hallows was designed to be a technological breakthrough. Said another technological designer, who asked to remain anonymous, "It was all going along great. Our new 'IMAX simulator' technology projected all the visual effects onto the ground, walls, and ceiling of the theater. But I think we got a little carried away with the Avada Kedavra."

The new technology was designed so that the audience could experience the "feel" of the movie, with attachments to the seats that allowed the audience to experience everything from cool night air to grass under their feet. However, the motion code also apparently let the audience experience the full sensation of the Avada Kedavra Killing Curse.

Said one theater employee, " I was just supervising the movie, so I was a little unprepared when bolts of green light that killed anything they hit started ricocheting across the room." At least 16 people were killed in the first big battle scene, the Battle over Little Whinging. The rest were hit by Imperius Curses that went awry, making them remain in their seats until the movie was over. At least 30 people were killed over the course of the movie before the police were called in to shoot Lord Voldemort into pieces, thus ending the catastrophic movie.

"They what?!" said one enthusiastic fan dressed as Harry Potter. "That's great! Yessssssssssssss! Voldemort got shot?! Oh man oh man! I so wish I was there!" When the reporter inquired politely about what the fan thought about the deaths of over 30 people, he replied,"Oh yeah. Those guys. Still.... they got the coolest deaths ever!!! C'mon! Getting shot by Voldemort?! Oh man oh man oh man!!!!!!!!!!! I so wish I was there!

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