Gladiatorial Games Reinstated in Summer Olympics 2012

The Olympic Games are a time-held tradition, and will be for years to come. However, every now and then, a new game is introduced. It appears that this pattern will continue into the 2012 Summer Olympics, with the introduction of gladiatorial games into the mix.

The games, consisting of a pair of trained fighters engaging in duels until one dies, will be "modernized", with the introduction of chain-saws, automatic rifles, and grenades. Said one organizer who asked to remain anonymous, "The regular summer sports: swimming, discus throwing, etc. etc. are boring. Where's the life threatening combat? Since London's already going to set the record of hosting the Olympic Games three times, why not set another record as well? So we decided to add gladiatorial games. And, just to make it more exciting, we've okayed the use of modern weapons, from machetes to smoke bombs. This year's Games will be more exciting than ever!"

But the concept still has its critics. Several athletes have withdrawn, stating that "I will not risk my life for the Olympics, no matter how great the prize." One London man, John Forstin, said that "These games have gone too far. There was a time, centuries ago, where this kind of sport was encouraged. I am seriously thinking of not attending the Olympics this year, if I have to watch people dismember themselves and die in terrible agony."

According to another organizer, the gladiatorial games will start with the athletes choosing their respective weapons, and then will be randomly selected to duel. The round will end when one combatant is dead, and will then start another round.

Said one athlete, who requested to remain anonymous, "I'd do it. I'm pretty sure I can take 'em. Anyway, there's compensation if you die. You get $100 just for participating, and you get double that if you die. Yeah, most people probably won't do it, but that just means less competition for us. It seems like a good gamble, and I think that we can all agree that, even if we all don't participate, these games will be the most exciting ones ever!"

I hate advertisements. They bombard every web-page on the Internet! On some I have seen, there is practically no room for any content at all! Our pristine newspaper has held out for several weeks now, (it was completely worth it to hire armed guards to patrol menacingly at the doors of our establishment!) but every time I publish a pst, my computer says how I need to "make money off my newspaper" with advertisements (we get all the money we need by just carrying Master Tom-Tom and asking for donations)! I am a newspaperman through and through, damn it! Printer's ink flows through my veins! And I will not succumb to advertisements! I have seen comrade after comrade fall, but no matter what happens, Propaganda Central shall remain unmarred by the stain of paid advertising! No, I do not want to save money with great deals on the new Microsoft software!

Ugh. I cannot believe that I almost forgot yesterday's post. I remembered at the last minute, but still.......! I need to be more aware of what I'm doing. I just hope that it doesn't happen again, as this newspaper is bound to report the news, whatever the conditions, whatever the circumstances, whether we are using an old-fashioned printing-press of writing with a quill pen on a stone wall (although that's not technically our motto. Our actual motto, Vos es a valde bardus, means "You are very stupid". Don't you just love Latin?).

World's Most Intelligent Dog Follows-Up Ode To Beanie-Weenies With 1,000 pg. Epic On Butt-Sniffing

Bingo, the world's most intelligent dog, stirred up controversy when he composed an ode to Beanie-Weenies. However, he may be heading into even darker waters, as he is on the verge of finishing his epic saga, The Bottom-Sniffer. The story tells the tragic tale of a puppy born into this world with no bottom, and begins like this:

Oh great Gods of the Bottom-Sniffing Dogs,

You Hear My Call and Answer My Prayer.

For Into this World comes One Who is Not.

Born Without a Bottom, He Cannot Pray.

The poem is written in iambic pentameter and is divided into four-line verses. It has been hailed as a great work, but has disappointed many who hoped that Bingo's second work would not constitute "Dog" subjects (i.e. dog food, butt-sniffing, cats, and chasing cars). The Bottom-Sniffer's predecessor, the notorious 2,300 line poem listing the merits of Beanie-Weenies, has been widely hailed as a "flawed masterpiece" and has generally not been listed with such literary greats as the Odyssey and Great Expectations. Said animal behaviorist Andrew Starr, who also commented on Bingo's previous work, "Bingo is a lost cause. The first poem brought him down, but this struck the final blow. An example is this line, possibly the worst I have ever

seen:

The Smell of a Bottom is Like Roast Beef.

It Quenches the Quest for Knowledge, For Strength.

It Springs Eternal Forgiveness in Past.

So One Lacking such Marvels Will Be Blind."

Tell me that isn't the worst poetry you've ever heard. Face it. Bingo had his chance, and he blew it. I'm sorry for him, but he brought all this on himself, epic saga or no epic saga. In the public eye, he's done for. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. He would have to compose something truly brilliant to get himself out of this."

Christmas is coming! This is a holiday that I actually enjoy, and the fact that it comes once a year is 11 times too little for me (mainly because I make it a requirement for my staff to give me at least 5 presents per Christmas– with the exception of Joseph, of course!) The only thing I do not like about Christmas is little Joseph's annual Christmas list, which I am detailing to you now.

Joseph's Christmas List

1. Nintendo DS

2. Nerf Dart Gun Stampede

3. Remote-Control Dinosaur Toy

4. 100-inch plasma screen TV

5. Computer

6. Wii

7. Lego Harry Potter for Wii

8. Mario Kart

9. Lego Star Wars: the Clone Wars video game

10. Walking-stick (so I can be just like Grampa!)

11. Make-Your-Own-Robot Kit

12. Puppy

13.Lego Star Wars Death Star set

14. Spider-Man action figure

15. Diary of a Wimpy Kid 5: The Ugly Truth

16. My own newspaper!

17. Binoculars

18.– AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! ENOUGH WITH LITTLE JOSEPH!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN"T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

–Whew, sorry about that, but little Joseph has become such a central character to this, it's starting to drive me crazy. Still, I guess I'm lucky I managed to stop the download for Josph's Christmas list before it crashed my entire 10-to-the-50th-power petaflop computer.

Interesting. Little Joseph has actually become a part of our Propaganda Central staff. I have placed him as Assistant Propagandist, a job at which he excels. As he is the only one Master Tom-Tom listens to, I deemed it necessary to integrate him into our staff. Indeed, a 3-year-old who has been working here 2 days has already proved better at his job than my useless secretary, who has been at his post for 15 years. I think that I was right in making Joseph one of our number, and as my great-grandson and protegee, I can only wait for what wonders he will soon conceive.

Philosopher Offers "King Kong" Remakes As Strongest Evidence Yet of Reincarnation

In philosophical news, yesterday an anonymous philosopher offered the "King Kong" remakes as the strongest evidence yet of reincarnation. The theory, deposited at the local church in the form of a letter, stated that "these remakes, each showing another, identically named ape, are very suggestive, and could be our strongest evidence yet of reincarnation."

The remakes of the original King Kong movie are a cultural icon of America, culminating in the 2005 remake by Peter Jackson. The movies, portraying a ferocious but emotional giant gorilla, have generally been successful, with the worst scraping 80$ million at the box office. However, until now, they have never been seen as a philosophical movie.

Said the Reverend, "This man is insane. This–this "King Kong" is a movie, a commercial venture. Granted, a good movie, but it is merely a moneymaking scheme. These directors had only greed motivating them; not reverence to our Lord. That is proved by the fact that those heathen natives worship that giant ape."

The anonymous philosopher defended his theory, saying in another letter, put down at a later point, "I am not saying that Kong is the angel Gabriel. What I am saying is that this is the same story, happening over and over, over the course of almost a hundred years. Doesn't that ring a bell?" "What is this man talking about?! He is an insane heathen defending a ridiculous answer to a ridiculous question! Any more letters arriving will be burnt to a cinder on arrival! I refuse to sully this good church with this ridiculous madman!!", exclaimed the visibly furious man.

The series of letters that followed will have linguists talking for years. The letters introduced a full 327 words to the English language. They are not listed, as they would have to be censored. At an interview with Peter Jackson, director of the 2005 King Kong remake, he stated, "Wow. My movie is being used as a way to verify reincarnation? I just thought that I wanted to make King Kong more realistic. Oh well. You just don't argue with someone who can blast off your head, resurrect you, and do it again."