Friday, December 3, 2010

World's Most Intelligent Dog Follows-Up Ode To Beanie-Weenies With 1,000 pg. Epic On Butt-Sniffing

Bingo, the world's most intelligent dog, stirred up controversy when he composed an ode to Beanie-Weenies. However, he may be heading into even darker waters, as he is on the verge of finishing his epic saga, The Bottom-Sniffer. The story tells the tragic tale of a puppy born into this world with no bottom, and begins like this:

Oh great Gods of the Bottom-Sniffing Dogs,

You Hear My Call and Answer My Prayer.

For Into this World comes One Who is Not.

Born Without a Bottom, He Cannot Pray.

The poem is written in iambic pentameter and is divided into four-line verses. It has been hailed as a great work, but has disappointed many who hoped that Bingo's second work would not constitute "Dog" subjects (i.e. dog food, butt-sniffing, cats, and chasing cars). The Bottom-Sniffer's predecessor, the notorious 2,300 line poem listing the merits of Beanie-Weenies, has been widely hailed as a "flawed masterpiece" and has generally not been listed with such literary greats as the Odyssey and Great Expectations. Said animal behaviorist Andrew Starr, who also commented on Bingo's previous work, "Bingo is a lost cause. The first poem brought him down, but this struck the final blow. An example is this line, possibly the worst I have ever


The Smell of a Bottom is Like Roast Beef.

It Quenches the Quest for Knowledge, For Strength.

It Springs Eternal Forgiveness in Past.

So One Lacking such Marvels Will Be Blind."

Tell me that isn't the worst poetry you've ever heard. Face it. Bingo had his chance, and he blew it. I'm sorry for him, but he brought all this on himself, epic saga or no epic saga. In the public eye, he's done for. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. He would have to compose something truly brilliant to get himself out of this."

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