Monday, December 13, 2010

Fifth State of Matter Discovered: Twinkies®

Until several decades ago, there were only 3 states of matter: Solid, Liquid, and Gas. In 1928, plasma was named, and subsequently became the 4th state. Now, apparently, teachers will have to change their Science textbooks again, because a 5th state of matter has been discovered: Twinkies®.

The small cream filled sponge cakes were invented in 1930 by James A. Dewar, a baker for Continental bakeries, now known as Hostess Brands®. The small cakes, marketed as a "Golden Sponge Cake with Creamy Filling", quickly rose to popularity in the United States and are now eaten by several thousand people each day.

Said Hal Manovitch, the researcher who made the breakthrough, "This would explain a lot. Try to poke a Twinkie®, and it doesn't retain its shape, like a solid must, by definition. The creamy filling reacts the same. And don't even get me started on deep-fried Twinkies®. So I naturally proclaimed it the 5th State of Matter. I'm sure the scientific community will thank me and appreciate this discovery."

"Thank him!?" exclaimed physicist Stephen Hawking. "A Twinkie® is a disgusting food with no nutritional value whatsoever, not a State of Matter. I cannot believe that anyone would be so thick as to believe this dunderhead."

However, evidence, however faulty, does make this at least somewhat realistic, said the minority of the scientific community who believed Manovitch's theory. Hawking and other respected scientists and physicists, including the entire workforce of CERN, are lobbying for Manovitch's theory to be rejected, and his name erased from all scientific textbooks, as well as all records of him that point to him being a scientist at all.

Said United States Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, "I wouldn't mess around if I were Manovitch. When those scientists banish someone, they banish someone. Did you hear what they did to those Japanese scientists who discovered the last digit of π? I shudder to think what they might do to this guy. if I were him, I'd watch out: those scientists might actually banish him. They've got a lot of power in our government, those science guys. If you annoy them at all, you'd better watch out."

However, Manovitch remains unconcerned. "I'm sure Hawking and the rest of them will come to their senses eventually," he said. "In the meantime, would you like a Twinkie®? Now with radical new chocolate filling!"

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