Monday, December 20, 2010

Sauron Invades Iraq

After the disastrous U.S.-led invasion of Iraq and subsequent rehabilitation under President Barack Obama, many people hoped that Iraq's troubles would soon be over. However, another force invaded the country this week, this one led by Sauron, the Lord of the Rings.

Dictator of Mordor, Sauron enjoyed publicity as J.R.R. Tolkien's villain in the Lord of the Rings book series. In the story, he is portrayed as a power-hungry megalomaniac obsessed with capturing the one great ring. What is interesting is how close Tolkien came to illustrating the actual Sauron.

The land of Mordor, where the shadows lie, is a complete dictatorship ruled by Sauron. The citizens incorporate orcs, trolls, Nazgul, Uruk-Hai, and fell beasts. Sauron himself is dictator-for-life, with all the denizens acknowledging him as their supreme overlord. However, despite Mordor's impending hostility, military officials claim they had no idea what Sauron was planning. "C'mon. Get a grip", said lieutenant Elias Sutherly, "Mordor is still living in the Stone Age. They have practically no Air Force, no Navy, and their artillery consists mainly of flaming catapults. This is one of the least likely places we would think would invade a country full of U.S. soldiers, right after Canada."

Mordor's attack was stunning. The army's base of Mount Doom, right on the border between Mordor and Iraq, suddenly opened up, releasing numbers of soldiers well into the millions. Surprising military officials, the huge army of orcs took Baghdad within the first week.

Sauron himself was documented as fighting, "destroying 20 men with one sweep of his mace", according to one of the few surviving generals posted in Iraq. Sauron then followed up with a genocidal campaign, murdering the entire Hobbit clan of Iraqis. The military currently has the city under siege, but is afraid to do anything for fear that Sauron will execute his many prisoners.

Said one general, "This guy is a madman, even worse than Saddam. In his first 2 days of occupation, he's already commited genocide. We're afraid to do anything for fear that Sauron might execute more people. Even worse than that, we know we can't starve them out, because orcs feed on human flesh. So the longer we stay here, the worse the situation becomes."

Meanwhile, the Air Force is trying to locate the one Hobbit who may have survived, so that they can figure out from him how to defeat Sauron. "We needs the Baggins", said pilot G.L. Lum. "We needs the Baggins to find my precious, donts we? We needs the Baggins."

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