Hi everybody!!!!!! It's Joseph again!!!! Did you know that Christmas is coming? My grampa knows 'cause I gave him my Christmas list!!!! All 975,798 things on it! And I know he'll get them all 'cause I'll throw a tantrum if I don't!! I love the Christmas season!!! It's a time of goodwill and greetings to everyone!!! I even saw Tom-Tom the monkey writing a list today!!!

Oh well..... I suppose that Master Tom-Tom is not as bad a threat as I first thought. Admittedly, there was that time when he deleted £500 from my Swiss bank account, but apart from that, he is an excellent pet. It turns out that, still being just a baby, he cannot reach most doorknobs, meaning that my stash of 100 year old Scotch is safe. Not only that, but he has proved to be an excellent newspaper writer, and I have made him the chief writer in that respect* (being able to use all 4 limbs, as well as the tail, in typing means that he can work 5 times as fast as the old writer). He is now a full-fledged member of our staff, and he has one more asset, probably greater than any other: nothing persuades people to make huge donations to us more than an adorable monkey sitting at the visitor's desk.

* Fine. Make all the jokes about "monkeys running this newspaper" that you want.

Propaganda Central Contract

Warning! By Reading This Article, You Are Legally Bound

And Must Obey The Terms Listed

_By Reading This Article, I, ______, Being of Sound Mind and Sound Body, Agree To All The Terms Listed Herewith. I Accept That Any Deviation Is Grounds For Up To A 50,000 Fine and That If Such A Fine Is Incurred, I Promise To Legally Pay It Off Within A Period Of 31 Days. I Am Not Eligible For Legal Counsel In This Case, As I Have Read And Agreed To The Statements Listed Within.

I Hereby Do Accept The Terms Of This Contract,

_________________

Firm Of Tirase, Tirase, and Mentin

Contract*

_I Agree That, By Reading This Contract, I Draft Myself Into Propaganda Central Staff For A Period Of 5-50 Years**.

_I Agree To Donate Any Funds Secured By Myself, (i.e. My Job, Or Any Other Context Involving The Securing Of Money) To Propaganda Central, In Exchange For Lodging.

_I Agree That, If I Cannot Perform Any Of The Prior Tasks, I Put Myself In Penal Servitude To Propaganda Central For A Minimum Of 10 Years***.

_I Agree That If I Break This Contract, I Will Be Fined A Minimum*** Of 50,000 Dollars And/Or A Minimum Of 20 Years In Jail.

_I Agree To Serve Mr. Tirase Faithfully For The Duration Of My Years****. All Hail Mr. Tirase, Our Bearded Saviour. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail Mr. Tirase. All Hail.......

_I Agree That I Am Not Entitled To Legal Counsel If The Contractor Behaves Unfairly, As I Have Agreed with This Contract And Its Terms, No Matter How Unfair They May Be*****.

_I Hereby Agree To Join Joseph's Munchkin Army When He Begins To Enlist Officers For His Plan To Steal America's Gold Reserves******.

_I Hereby Agree To Give Mr. Tirase's Grandson Joseph Access To All Of My Most Prized Toys, Games, And Movies*******.

Your Bailout Fee: $200,000,000 or £150,000,000

*This Contract Should Not Be Taken Seriously, Unless you Have Read It.

**By 5-50, The Contract Means, '5-550'.

***Maximum Of 5,000,000, (Dollars, Years, etc. etc.)

****"Unfair" Meaning "Taking Both Home, Money, Life, and Soul."

******Ignore This.

*******I Wonder How Joseph Managed To Get To My Typewriter. I Really Must Move It.

Well, this week is over. I think that I can safely say that I am well rid of the Thanksgiving spirit, but there is something about this erratic holiday that I miss. Perhaps it is the inflatable turkeys in all of the shop windows; perhaps it is the Thanksgiving television specials. Perhaps it is just the feeling of goodwill and happiness that abounds during this week. Whatever it is, somehow I am feeling hollow, as if a bit of myself were carved out. Strange, considering how this day in its entirety has irked me through a century and a half. However, I will not despair: this holiday comes once a year, which is extremely often when you think of the average human lifespan. I have endured 149 Thanksgivings throughout my years, and I think that my memory can weather one more.

Curse you, Black Friday!!! Your incessant shopping makes it impossible to get anything done! All I wanted was to go to the Apple store to get one lousy iPad! I got it, but the crowd nearly killed me trying to get it first! Stupid companies! Why do you have to make one day where everyone goes to the store at once! I barely escaped from one shopping trip with my life (the perpetrators have all been sued, and are currently residing in the local prison for one count of second degree murder each. Serves them right)! But still.......! I hate this ------- day, and I've hated it for all 150 years of my life! Now get out of here, before I brain you with this keyboard!

Perfect Brain Concieved: 1% Inspiration, 99% Perspiration

Thomas Alva Edison is known for many great things, such as the light-bulb, but perhaps the most well-known is his famous saying: "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration."
Up until now, it was just a cryptic adage showing the value of hard work: no longer. Scientists at Johns Hopkins University have taken this saying to heart, producing what is being flaunted as the perfect brain: an organic capsule with 1% of the total brain space being occupied by part of the cerebrum, and with 99% percent being occupied by human sweat.
Said one scientist, "We are very pleased with the result. We were just thinking one day, 'What wastes the most space in an average human brain?' And then the answer hit us: the brain itself!"
Indeed, the brain, dubbed the EdisonBrain, uses the sweat for nutrients for the small amount of actual brain, theoretically allowing it to move up to twice as fast as an average brain.
However, difficulties were to be encountered. "The problem is, sweat will poison the brain if directly exposed to it.", said another of the scientists who worked on the project. "So, we have put a small vacuum chamber around the brain, so that only actual nutrients will reach the brain."
When this reporter inquired whether or not the brain would be crushed in the chamber, the scientist gave him a condescending pat on the head and a cookie.
The scientists responded to other scientists' questioning as to how the brain will survive when there is just salt left the same way. "Pooh-pooh," said Mr. P.R. Spire, the scientist who directed the project. "They just don't understand the complexities of the human brain the way we do. I'm sure everything will become clear in a month or so."
"Oh, every thing's becoming clear all right," said physicist Stephen Hawking. "Very clear."

Recipe For Roast Turkey

The average turkey is a modern nightmare. Cooked in an oven, cut up at a butcher-shop– the most many people touch it is to stick it in to cook. Our recipe is different. prepared as the Pilgrims would have prepared it, cooked as they would have cooked it, and eaten as they would have eaten it– the perfect turkey. We now invite you to follow the instructions– and dig in!

Step 1: Catch a turkey between 15-20 pounds. Use a bow and arrow.

Step 2: Pluck the turkey.

Step 3: Cut off the turkey's head and remove its organs (use a small dagger).

Step 4: Prepare a fire and make a spit over it.

Step 5: Put the turkey on the spit.

Step 6: Wait for 4 hours.

Step 7: Bring the half-raw carcass to the table.

Step 8: Dig in!

If you have done this correctly, the turkey will have a half-raw, rather slimy texture to it. Use only a small dagger to eat. when you reach bones, crack them open– marrow is a good source of fat! Happy Thanksgiving!