Tirase Family Recipe For Flaming Christmas Eve Pudding

Prep Time: 45 minutes

Cook Time: 8 hours

Marinating Time: 12 hours

Total Time: 20 hours, 45 minutes
Ingredients:
• Serves 8 - 10
• 1lb /450g dried mixed fruit (use golden raisins/ sultanas, raisins, currants)
• 1 oz /25 g mixed candied peel, finely chopped
• 1 small cooking apple, peeled, cored and finely chopped
• Grated zest and juice ½ large orange and ½ lemon
• 4 tbsp petra oleum distillation, plus a little extra for soaking at the end.
• 2 oz /55 g self-raising flour, sifted
• 1 level tsp ground mixed spice
• 1 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
• 4 oz /110 g shredded suet, beef or vegetarian
• 4oz /110g soft, dark brown sugar
• 4 oz /110 g white fresh bread crumbs
• 1 oz /25 g whole shelled almonds, roughly chopped
• 2 large eggs
• 6 oz melted argentum

Preparation:
• Lightly butter a 2 ½ pint/1.4 litre pudding basin. 

• Place the dried fruits, candied peel, apple, orange and lemon juice into a large mixing bowl. Add the brandy and stir well. Cover the bowl with a clean tea towel and leave to marinate for a couple of hours, preferably overnight.
• Stir together the flour, mixed spice and cinnamon in a very large mixing bowl. Add the suet, sugar, lemon and orange zest, bread crumbs, nuts and melted argentum and stir again until all the ingredients are well mixed. Finally add the marinaded dried fruits and stir again.
• Beat the eggs lightly in a small bowl then stir quickly into the dry ingredients. The mixture should have a fairly soft consistency.
• Now is the time to gather the family for the Christmas Eve tradition of taking turns in stirring, making a wish and adding a few coins.
• Spoon the mixture in to the greased pudding basin, gently pressing the mixture down with the back of a spoon. Cover with a double layer of greaseproof paper or baking parchment, then a layer of aluminum foil and tie securely with string.
• Place the pudding in a steamer set over a saucepan of simmering water and steam the pudding for 7 hours. Make sure you check the water level frequently so it never boils dry. The pudding should be a deep brown color when cooked.
• Remove the pudding from the steamer, cool completely. Remove the paper, prick the pudding with a skewer and pour in a little extra brandy. Cover with fresh greaseproof paper and retie with string. Store in a cool dry place until Christmas Eve.
• On Christmas Eve reheat the pudding by steaming again for about an hour. Serve with the petra oleum distillation.

Note: Read after Eating Recipe

On Christmas Day, you should all be sitting in your beds, well fed and rested. At this time, I feel that it is my duty to explain the history and ingredients in this pudding. Firstly, argentum is also known as silver (it is believed that this ingredient was added to keep the children happy when they didn't get the special silver coin). Secondly, petra oleum distillation is also known as gasoline (it is known that this was used to eliminate unsavory family members at Christmas reunions. Soaked in gasoline and lit with a match, this pudding is more dangerous than a bomb*). And now I think that I will leave you with your stomachs full of many palatable things
(and 2 unpalatable ones**). Merry Christmas!

* Generally, the Tirase set up for elimination was the one to light the pudding, while the others hid behind the Christmas tree.
**Gasoline should never be ingested and the silver cyanide has a kill time of several hours.

Well, my readers, I am afraid to say that, as I am on Christmas vacation right now, I think I will relax a bit. I will not be publishing any new posts from now until January, apart from a little something for Christmas, and possibly an article for New Year's. I assure you that I thought long and hard about this decision, and I regret it as much as you do, if not even more. However, we all deserve a break at some time or another. Don't we?

Sauron Invades Iraq

After the disastrous U.S.-led invasion of Iraq and subsequent rehabilitation under President Barack Obama, many people hoped that Iraq's troubles would soon be over. However, another force invaded the country this week, this one led by Sauron, the Lord of the Rings.

Dictator of Mordor, Sauron enjoyed publicity as J.R.R. Tolkien's villain in the Lord of the Rings book series. In the story, he is portrayed as a power-hungry megalomaniac obsessed with capturing the one great ring. What is interesting is how close Tolkien came to illustrating the actual Sauron.

The land of Mordor, where the shadows lie, is a complete dictatorship ruled by Sauron. The citizens incorporate orcs, trolls, Nazgul, Uruk-Hai, and fell beasts. Sauron himself is dictator-for-life, with all the denizens acknowledging him as their supreme overlord. However, despite Mordor's impending hostility, military officials claim they had no idea what Sauron was planning. "C'mon. Get a grip", said lieutenant Elias Sutherly, "Mordor is still living in the Stone Age. They have practically no Air Force, no Navy, and their artillery consists mainly of flaming catapults. This is one of the least likely places we would think would invade a country full of U.S. soldiers, right after Canada."

Mordor's attack was stunning. The army's base of Mount Doom, right on the border between Mordor and Iraq, suddenly opened up, releasing numbers of soldiers well into the millions. Surprising military officials, the huge army of orcs took Baghdad within the first week.

Sauron himself was documented as fighting, "destroying 20 men with one sweep of his mace", according to one of the few surviving generals posted in Iraq. Sauron then followed up with a genocidal campaign, murdering the entire Hobbit clan of Iraqis. The military currently has the city under siege, but is afraid to do anything for fear that Sauron will execute his many prisoners.

Said one general, "This guy is a madman, even worse than Saddam. In his first 2 days of occupation, he's already commited genocide. We're afraid to do anything for fear that Sauron might execute more people. Even worse than that, we know we can't starve them out, because orcs feed on human flesh. So the longer we stay here, the worse the situation becomes."

Meanwhile, the Air Force is trying to locate the one Hobbit who may have survived, so that they can figure out from him how to defeat Sauron. "We needs the Baggins", said pilot G.L. Lum. "We needs the Baggins to find my precious, donts we? We needs the Baggins."

Yay!!!!! Little Joseph is back!!!! Sorry it took so long for me to write another post, but my grumpy grampa locked his computer against me. But now, Mr. Competent forgot to turn off grampa's computer when he went on lunch break, so I got on!!!!! I can't think of anything to say, so I'll tell you how to sing my new song!!!!!! Here it is........

Gimme Try

Chorus

Uh huh, Oh yeah, gimme try

booda-boo-boom!

Uh huh, Oh yeah, gimme try,

booda-boo-boom!

(chorus)

Gimme try, gimme try, gimme try,

booda-boo-boom!

Gimme try, gimme try, gimme try,

booda-boo-boom!

(chorus)

Gimme try, gimme try, gimme try,

booda-boo-boom!

Oh yeah, Uh-huh, gimme try!

booda-boo-boom!

Gimme try, gimme try, GIMME TRY!!!!!

Gimme try, gimme try, GIMME TRY!!!!!

(chorus)

Stupid Christmas specials. I can't turn on the news without seeing another show about "joy on Earth" and "peace towards your fellow man". Is there no piece of news that is not about some child baking cookies or helping a fellow child? All I want is to hear the ----ing weather report! Not only that, but I'm fairly certain that not all of these stories are true. I know for a fact that one of those "heartwarming" specials was taped last October! And don't even get me started on Pip the Insulin-Delivering Kitten!

Apple's Plans To Conquer Earth Discovered

Apple has held a practical monopoly on the smartphone and tablet computer markets for the past years. However, startling evidence has recently come to light that the miniature computers are merely part of Apple's master plan for world domination.

This revelation was made when a 21 year old man, who asked to remain anonymous, discovered that, if you log on as Steve Jobs on either the iPhone or the iPad and type in the password "Gatessucks" you will get the master plan for Apple's attempt at total world domination, as well as 5 applications not downloadable on a conventional Apple computer.

The apparent goals of Apple's plan are thus: browser domination, computer domination, desktop domination, workplace domination, building domination, city domination, state domination, country domination, continent domination, world domination, solar system domination, galaxy domination, universal domination, parallel universe domination, and reality domination.

"Well, I must say that this comes as a bit of a shock", said one Apple programmer. "When Mr. Jobs requested for me to install the application world.domination.app I had no idea that that's actually what it did. I just assumed that it was a game or something. I should have realized how strange that is, especially since Mr. Jobs has no sense of humor."

Although details are not clear, it appears that Apple was planning to take over the minds of the countless Apple users all across the country and form them into a cyborg army controlled by Macintosh® computers.

Commented Bill Gates, "We should have seen this coming. With the smartphone industry under their control, literally nothing could stop Apple. When the police decide to arrest Jobs, I vote for the bailout fee to be handing back computer industry control to Microsoft. Oh, heck." said Gates.

"Forget I just said that. As a matter of fact, forget that I was ever here. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go prepare for war. Oh, wait. Forget I said that too. Just forget that this ever happened. Got it? I was never here, and neither were you!"

Steve Jobs refused comment on the grounds that he was creating another master plan for world domination.

Sorry I'm late. Some -------- idiot stole my phone when he found it. Fortunately, when he turned it on, the automatic tracking system kicked in. Instead of calling the police, I decided to resolve this myself. I verily beat him over the head so many times that I think that his skull cracked. I might have also fractured his ribs as well. Either way, after the ambulances left, I got my phone back (and a good thing too, since it was an iPhone 4 and cost a fortune. Not that I really missed the money, but I wanted that phone back.)

Damn it! I've lost my cell-phone! If you see it, could you please return it to me? Because it cost $1500 dollars, I'm going to be just a bit annoyed if I (you) don't find it and return it (to me). Now get on it, because I have a phone conference in half an hour, and I'm going to sue you into oblivion if you don't find it (it's your patriotic duty!) More exactly, it's your patriotic duty to your wallet.

Horse Hunts Down, Shoots Farmer

Farmers across the continent are locking their doors and loading their shotguns, as the news has arrived that a Wyoming Mustang has single-handedly hunted down and shot Farmer Brown, a wealthy Wyoming farmer who specializes in breeding racing horses.

According to the few eyewitnesses, the horse, known as Swiftfeet, attacked Farmer Brown when he arrived to feed him. The horse apparently had obtained a Howitzer gun, most likely through illicit purposes, and fired at the farmer, who vainly tried to strike the animal with his riding crop. Firefeet then shot the farmer some 27 times, having gotten several bullet packs. Farmer Brown was then trampled and shot again for good measure after Swiftfeet got to a safe distance.

Said Swiftfeet, "This guy was making me run 5 miles in 5 minutes just to get my meals. The other animals wanted freedom too, so I decided to do something. Man, you should have seen Farmer Brown's face after I blasted the barn doors off."

The other animals then escaped the farm, trampling several farm-hands in the process. 7 sheepdogs attempted to stop the rampage, but quickly joined them, helping to break and utterly destroy the entire fence, as well as a water tower.

Said one farmer upon hearing the news, "Huh. So the animals finally turned against us. Well, I'll just have to upgrade to a shotgun, 'stead of a wooden club. I'm not gonna worry. I have enough food right here in my barn. Matter of fact, I think I'm gonna go train my horse for the races right now. Gotta earn a living, even if I'm still very rich."

Animal control investigators have been upgraded in weapons and equipment in response to the breakout, and most of them now resemble heavily armed marines.

Said one investigator,"Something just doesn't add up. how'd that horse even fire that gun? Mark my words, there's something fishy going on, and I can assure you that we're going to get to the bottom of it."

Said another investigator, "A horse is a horse, of course of course, unless of course that horse is the famous Mr. Ed. As this horse is not the famous Mr. Ed, we know that this horse is a horse. Of course of course."

This investigator's interview was cut short when Swiftfeet and his small, but increasing, army of barnyard animals trampled him into the pavement.

Well, how did the boycott go? I must say, it provided a good deal of entertainment for me, via hidden video cameras. After all, there are some advantages to being a multibillionaire, such as top-of-the-line technology. It was just so fun to equip the police with spiked steel truncheons! Aren't boycotts just so fun? (By the way, I'm not paying your hospital bills).

-------- scientists! What idiot decided to make Twinkies® the 5th state of matter?! I hate those things, and if you have any respect for the scientific community, you'll do something about this --------ed new law. Put up posters! Boycott Twinkies®! Do whatever it takes to male sure that this foul incident is wiped from the history books! Go wild! (By the way, if you're arrested by the local state law enforcement, S. D. Tirase had nothing to do with this).

Fifth State of Matter Discovered: Twinkies®

Until several decades ago, there were only 3 states of matter: Solid, Liquid, and Gas. In 1928, plasma was named, and subsequently became the 4th state. Now, apparently, teachers will have to change their Science textbooks again, because a 5th state of matter has been discovered: Twinkies®.

The small cream filled sponge cakes were invented in 1930 by James A. Dewar, a baker for Continental bakeries, now known as Hostess Brands®. The small cakes, marketed as a "Golden Sponge Cake with Creamy Filling", quickly rose to popularity in the United States and are now eaten by several thousand people each day.

Said Hal Manovitch, the researcher who made the breakthrough, "This would explain a lot. Try to poke a Twinkie®, and it doesn't retain its shape, like a solid must, by definition. The creamy filling reacts the same. And don't even get me started on deep-fried Twinkies®. So I naturally proclaimed it the 5th State of Matter. I'm sure the scientific community will thank me and appreciate this discovery."

"Thank him!?" exclaimed physicist Stephen Hawking. "A Twinkie® is a disgusting food with no nutritional value whatsoever, not a State of Matter. I cannot believe that anyone would be so thick as to believe this dunderhead."

However, evidence, however faulty, does make this at least somewhat realistic, said the minority of the scientific community who believed Manovitch's theory. Hawking and other respected scientists and physicists, including the entire workforce of CERN, are lobbying for Manovitch's theory to be rejected, and his name erased from all scientific textbooks, as well as all records of him that point to him being a scientist at all.

Said United States Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, "I wouldn't mess around if I were Manovitch. When those scientists banish someone, they banish someone. Did you hear what they did to those Japanese scientists who discovered the last digit of π? I shudder to think what they might do to this guy. if I were him, I'd watch out: those scientists might actually banish him. They've got a lot of power in our government, those science guys. If you annoy them at all, you'd better watch out."

However, Manovitch remains unconcerned. "I'm sure Hawking and the rest of them will come to their senses eventually," he said. "In the meantime, would you like a Twinkie®? Now with radical new chocolate filling!"

Ah........... I have just had lunch at a most wonderful restaurant, and I am quite full. They had exquisite chocolate truffles dusted with powdered sugar and gold dust. I have no doubt that it cost more than you will make in a year. That's right! Wallow in agony at the sight of my enormous riches! You will bow before me! Incidentally, I highly recommend you go to this restaurant. Just make sure that your bank account has a million or more dollars in it.

Well. Nothing new today. As a matter of fact, today was rather boring. I'm looking for something to do. Do you have any ideas? Because if you do, I'd like you to speak up. Since I'm looking for something to do, I think that suing you will be an excellent course of action, unless you give me some other ideas. Well? My lawyers are waiting.............

Test Squadron of F-35 Fighter Jets Bombs Small Alaskan Town

The inhabitants of the small Alaskan city of Kupreanof cried foul Tuesday, when a squadron of experimental F-35 Lightning II fighter jets bombed their tiny city back into the Stone Age.

The town of Kupreanof is located off the eastern shore of Kupreanof Island in the Petersburg Census Area of Alaska, and is currently the smallest city in the state. By a 2000 count, there were 23 people residing there, less than the average school classroom.There are approximately 12 families residing there, and 6 households. The population density is 5.7 people per square mile. The population was outraged at the sudden bombing, which obliterated all 6 of the households and injured all 23 people.

Said one anonymous citizen, "We are outraged at this intrusion into our territory. I am intrigued by the fact that the planes were apparently testing out their various weapons. We will, of course, have a meeting with the Secretary of the Air Force as to how two experimental planes escaped and bombed our fair city into oblivion."

The Secretary in question, Michael B. Donley, replied that " The Air Force had nothing to do with this." Said Mr. Donley, "I assure you that we did not authorize this wanton destruction, and the fact that Kupreanof is an ideal testing ground for the Lightning ll should make no difference. What on Earth would make you think that we would take advantage of the fact that almost nobody even knows what Kupreanof is, and no one would miss it if it were destroyed?"

However, the Alaska National Guard is not so sure that the planes were stolen. "There are what, 15 of these things, and 5 of them magically disappear and reappear, wreaking havok on an ideal testing ground for these things? I don't think so." said officer Herbert Melthowick. " I can assure you that we'll be looking into this, and figuring out how these particular fighter jets ended up so far from home."

" So they're going to be nosing around our top-secret base, are they?", said Donley. "Then I'd just advise them to watch the skies."

Sorry for the delay, but I had to go to our technical department because one of our Difference-Engines broke down (not that I was actually fixing it; more along the lines of threatening the people in charge of fixing it and occasionally hitting them with my walking-stick). 20 whacks later, the engine was fixed, but it took tremendous effort (namely, when my trusty old mahogany stick broke and I had to go back to get the other one with the steel head). No matter, for it was fixed, and that is what matters. Just a pity that half of my technical experts had to be hospitalized.

Ah, Mr. Ezekiel Watley of The Watley Review seems to be a rather nice man. His 70-year-old Scotch is beyond compare, his manners are impeccable (unlike his nephew) and we share the same interests: namely, crawling our way up out of semi-obscurity. However, Mr. Watley does not seem to be quite as devoted as I to corrupting the young generation. Surely, as an intelligent editor, he must understand that our purpose is to propagate our views to those properly informed people all around the world? Alas, no. So, I am afraid that Mr. Watley and I have reached a temporary paradox-like stalemate, which I am hard-pressed to understand. I think that I shall just sit down and sip a glass of 1800 whiskey while I ponder this out.

Elite Group of Cartographers Attempts To Take Over Earth To Make Their Jobs Easier

The newly formed Atlas Police received their first challenge last week, breaking up a plot by an elite society of cartographers to take over the planet.

According to the head of the Atlas Police, "We were formed to deal with border regulations. Specifically, reports of convicts or any such wanted person trying to escape over the border to another country where they aren't wanted for their various crimes. You know, we were formed as a sort of secret police to catch them or give their harboring country a reason to chuck them back. But we were weren't expecting to have to deal with a plot this big."

The society of cartographers were, apparently, a group of diabolical mapmakers who desired to take over Earth and unify all continents and countries to make their jobs easier. The Atlas Police caught them just as they were finishing the details of their plan to use atomic bombs along the planet's fault-lines to slam all seven continents into another Pangaea.

The first prison interview occurred yesterday, with the interview with the leader, Mr. C.T. Rapher.

Said Mr. Rapher, "All of these wars, continental shifting, I don't know where to start. Are Europe and Asia separate land-masses? Or what about both those and Africa, as well? And those are the older ones. Should we classify Iraq as a U.S. Territory? So we decided to do something. We would merge all continents into a supreme nation where we would rule. Yes, us, the minority who has to deal with all of your shortcomings in the past hundred years! We would rule all the Earth. We will rule! Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!"

At this point Mr. Rapher was manacled and dragged to his cell, where he continued to maniacally giggle for another thirty minutes. However, some terrorist experts are worried that that this will not be the last of the attacks.

Warned one such expert, "These guys were fanatics. That's been established. But they're right; the borders are changing, but I didn't think anything like this would happen. If it weren't for the quick intervention of the Atlas Police, I shudder to think what would have happened."

AAAAAGH! My computer crashed! You would think, as my computer has more memory space in it than The Pentagon, that it would be safe, but no, it still crashed! I am getting annoyed about this, so I have fined everyone in the vicinity $100 (Well, it's making more progress than most of the other attempts). If anyone had anything to do with this, I will hunt them down, bring them to court, and order their immediate life imprisonment. The perpetrator cannot escape me! I will find him, and I will make him pay!

Well, I must say that Propaganda Central has gone far. We started out as a lowly newspaper company backed by only $30 billion dollars, and now look! Now we are a bustling business backed by $50 billion dollars! Through all of the blood, the sweat, and the tears, (all of those are quite literal. To show people how diligent my workers are, I put them in nonstop manual labor in a factory for a week. True, I lost about a quarter of my staff, but I got my audience's trust.) my staff has endured. I think that by now, Propaganda Central has truly entered into the fold. Read, and enjoy!

Gladiatorial Games Reinstated in Summer Olympics 2012

The Olympic Games are a time-held tradition, and will be for years to come. However, every now and then, a new game is introduced. It appears that this pattern will continue into the 2012 Summer Olympics, with the introduction of gladiatorial games into the mix.

The games, consisting of a pair of trained fighters engaging in duels until one dies, will be "modernized", with the introduction of chain-saws, automatic rifles, and grenades. Said one organizer who asked to remain anonymous, "The regular summer sports: swimming, discus throwing, etc. etc. are boring. Where's the life threatening combat? Since London's already going to set the record of hosting the Olympic Games three times, why not set another record as well? So we decided to add gladiatorial games. And, just to make it more exciting, we've okayed the use of modern weapons, from machetes to smoke bombs. This year's Games will be more exciting than ever!"

But the concept still has its critics. Several athletes have withdrawn, stating that "I will not risk my life for the Olympics, no matter how great the prize." One London man, John Forstin, said that "These games have gone too far. There was a time, centuries ago, where this kind of sport was encouraged. I am seriously thinking of not attending the Olympics this year, if I have to watch people dismember themselves and die in terrible agony."

According to another organizer, the gladiatorial games will start with the athletes choosing their respective weapons, and then will be randomly selected to duel. The round will end when one combatant is dead, and will then start another round.

Said one athlete, who requested to remain anonymous, "I'd do it. I'm pretty sure I can take 'em. Anyway, there's compensation if you die. You get $100 just for participating, and you get double that if you die. Yeah, most people probably won't do it, but that just means less competition for us. It seems like a good gamble, and I think that we can all agree that, even if we all don't participate, these games will be the most exciting ones ever!"

I hate advertisements. They bombard every web-page on the Internet! On some I have seen, there is practically no room for any content at all! Our pristine newspaper has held out for several weeks now, (it was completely worth it to hire armed guards to patrol menacingly at the doors of our establishment!) but every time I publish a pst, my computer says how I need to "make money off my newspaper" with advertisements (we get all the money we need by just carrying Master Tom-Tom and asking for donations)! I am a newspaperman through and through, damn it! Printer's ink flows through my veins! And I will not succumb to advertisements! I have seen comrade after comrade fall, but no matter what happens, Propaganda Central shall remain unmarred by the stain of paid advertising! No, I do not want to save money with great deals on the new Microsoft software!

Ugh. I cannot believe that I almost forgot yesterday's post. I remembered at the last minute, but still.......! I need to be more aware of what I'm doing. I just hope that it doesn't happen again, as this newspaper is bound to report the news, whatever the conditions, whatever the circumstances, whether we are using an old-fashioned printing-press of writing with a quill pen on a stone wall (although that's not technically our motto. Our actual motto, Vos es a valde bardus, means "You are very stupid". Don't you just love Latin?).

World's Most Intelligent Dog Follows-Up Ode To Beanie-Weenies With 1,000 pg. Epic On Butt-Sniffing

Bingo, the world's most intelligent dog, stirred up controversy when he composed an ode to Beanie-Weenies. However, he may be heading into even darker waters, as he is on the verge of finishing his epic saga, The Bottom-Sniffer. The story tells the tragic tale of a puppy born into this world with no bottom, and begins like this:

Oh great Gods of the Bottom-Sniffing Dogs,

You Hear My Call and Answer My Prayer.

For Into this World comes One Who is Not.

Born Without a Bottom, He Cannot Pray.

The poem is written in iambic pentameter and is divided into four-line verses. It has been hailed as a great work, but has disappointed many who hoped that Bingo's second work would not constitute "Dog" subjects (i.e. dog food, butt-sniffing, cats, and chasing cars). The Bottom-Sniffer's predecessor, the notorious 2,300 line poem listing the merits of Beanie-Weenies, has been widely hailed as a "flawed masterpiece" and has generally not been listed with such literary greats as the Odyssey and Great Expectations. Said animal behaviorist Andrew Starr, who also commented on Bingo's previous work, "Bingo is a lost cause. The first poem brought him down, but this struck the final blow. An example is this line, possibly the worst I have ever

seen:

The Smell of a Bottom is Like Roast Beef.

It Quenches the Quest for Knowledge, For Strength.

It Springs Eternal Forgiveness in Past.

So One Lacking such Marvels Will Be Blind."

Tell me that isn't the worst poetry you've ever heard. Face it. Bingo had his chance, and he blew it. I'm sorry for him, but he brought all this on himself, epic saga or no epic saga. In the public eye, he's done for. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. He would have to compose something truly brilliant to get himself out of this."

Christmas is coming! This is a holiday that I actually enjoy, and the fact that it comes once a year is 11 times too little for me (mainly because I make it a requirement for my staff to give me at least 5 presents per Christmas– with the exception of Joseph, of course!) The only thing I do not like about Christmas is little Joseph's annual Christmas list, which I am detailing to you now.

Joseph's Christmas List

1. Nintendo DS

2. Nerf Dart Gun Stampede

3. Remote-Control Dinosaur Toy

4. 100-inch plasma screen TV

5. Computer

6. Wii

7. Lego Harry Potter for Wii

8. Mario Kart

9. Lego Star Wars: the Clone Wars video game

10. Walking-stick (so I can be just like Grampa!)

11. Make-Your-Own-Robot Kit

12. Puppy

13.Lego Star Wars Death Star set

14. Spider-Man action figure

15. Diary of a Wimpy Kid 5: The Ugly Truth

16. My own newspaper!

17. Binoculars

18.– AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! ENOUGH WITH LITTLE JOSEPH!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN"T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

–Whew, sorry about that, but little Joseph has become such a central character to this, it's starting to drive me crazy. Still, I guess I'm lucky I managed to stop the download for Josph's Christmas list before it crashed my entire 10-to-the-50th-power petaflop computer.

Interesting. Little Joseph has actually become a part of our Propaganda Central staff. I have placed him as Assistant Propagandist, a job at which he excels. As he is the only one Master Tom-Tom listens to, I deemed it necessary to integrate him into our staff. Indeed, a 3-year-old who has been working here 2 days has already proved better at his job than my useless secretary, who has been at his post for 15 years. I think that I was right in making Joseph one of our number, and as my great-grandson and protegee, I can only wait for what wonders he will soon conceive.

Philosopher Offers "King Kong" Remakes As Strongest Evidence Yet of Reincarnation

In philosophical news, yesterday an anonymous philosopher offered the "King Kong" remakes as the strongest evidence yet of reincarnation. The theory, deposited at the local church in the form of a letter, stated that "these remakes, each showing another, identically named ape, are very suggestive, and could be our strongest evidence yet of reincarnation."

The remakes of the original King Kong movie are a cultural icon of America, culminating in the 2005 remake by Peter Jackson. The movies, portraying a ferocious but emotional giant gorilla, have generally been successful, with the worst scraping 80$ million at the box office. However, until now, they have never been seen as a philosophical movie.

Said the Reverend, "This man is insane. This–this "King Kong" is a movie, a commercial venture. Granted, a good movie, but it is merely a moneymaking scheme. These directors had only greed motivating them; not reverence to our Lord. That is proved by the fact that those heathen natives worship that giant ape."

The anonymous philosopher defended his theory, saying in another letter, put down at a later point, "I am not saying that Kong is the angel Gabriel. What I am saying is that this is the same story, happening over and over, over the course of almost a hundred years. Doesn't that ring a bell?" "What is this man talking about?! He is an insane heathen defending a ridiculous answer to a ridiculous question! Any more letters arriving will be burnt to a cinder on arrival! I refuse to sully this good church with this ridiculous madman!!", exclaimed the visibly furious man.

The series of letters that followed will have linguists talking for years. The letters introduced a full 327 words to the English language. They are not listed, as they would have to be censored. At an interview with Peter Jackson, director of the 2005 King Kong remake, he stated, "Wow. My movie is being used as a way to verify reincarnation? I just thought that I wanted to make King Kong more realistic. Oh well. You just don't argue with someone who can blast off your head, resurrect you, and do it again."